Top 5 reasons why I had trouble doing my homework today

1. I finally decided to go to the bookstore and get the version of Don Quijote that we are using for my class because it is a great bargain, much smaller than the one we already have, and has footnotes. But, all the copies there were completely gone so I had to wait until I got home tonight to do my reading.

2. Then, after trekking all the way down to the Key Office to get the key to my office, I got back to the JKB and found that it did not work. How can I effectively do homework anywhere else?

3. I decided to try doing my reading while sitting in the basement of the JFSB, but was distracted by a very annoying conversation near me:

Freshmeat girl: "So, like, are you an RM?"

RM: "Yeah, I went to Brazil. I speak Portuguese."

Freshmeat: "Wow, that is, like, so cool. I totally want to go on a mission because I think it would be so cool and stuff. I'm praying for my dad to be, um, you know,

RM: "A mission president?"

Freshmeat: "Yeah, so I can go early and stuff. I can't wait to go on a mission"

They talked for about 10 more minutes about dumb, flirty stuff and exchanged phone numbers. Then he said "I guess I should go back to class, since I just came out for a drink of water."

I bet they'll get married over Christmas break.

4. When I got home I really had to make chocolate chip cookies and watch Jeopardy! with S-Boogie.

5. I know too many people with blogs and it takes me way to long to check all of them out every night. I can't start my homework until I've checked up on everybody and commented on their lives.

I came, I saw, I bought a milkshake

I went to school today and I survived it pretty well. My first class is a contemporary Spanish literature class. Cool teacher, cool subject, and we are even working some film in since we are looking at film noir and its influence on literature. I don't like the fact that the class is so big (about 30 people or so), but I can live with that. Oh, and I remembered again that I am really annoyed by the guys who sit around before literature classes begin and talk about how they "hope they can read all these stupid books and do all right so they can get into business/medical/law school". Pooh! Pooh on them!

Between classes on Monday and Wednesday I have a break of a few hours, so first I braved the hell that is the bookstore on the first day of class (waited in line for 25 minutes and paid way too much for one stupid book). I also went to the counseling center and got an appointment for later this week. For some reason filling out their paperwork was kind of difficult and made me want to cry. Oh, and I couldn't help wondering why the guy in the pink glitter flip flops was there...

After that whole adventure I decided that I deserved a milkshake and was very glad to have money on my Signature Card for just such emergencies. I then wandered over to the JKB and rejoiced in the fact that I have an office and computer room that I can use simply by virtue of being a grad student (ha, ha, I have perks that you don't).

My other class on Monday and Wednesday is a pedagogy class. It's meant for non-pedagogy types like myself and should be fairly interesting. It's basically an overview of topics in Spanish teaching and such. It should also be pleasant because I like the professor and there are only 6 people in the class. I was disappointed that no one I already knew was in there, but I also found out that the department admitted 12 new grad students this year, which is double their average. So I don't feel that bad about not teaching after all, since there are so many other people who are not yet burned out and jaded like I am.

Well, I am glad that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and that I should be enjoying all my classes. I will definitely be returning for my Don Quijote class tomorrow morning, especially since it is with Dr. Rosenberg (who is already a member of my small fan club). S-Boogie seemed a lot better today, and I'm sure that's due in part to the fact that I got a nice break for several hours this afternoon. She enjoyed her time with daddy and I'm glad we can work our lives so she can get good time with both parents. I think this will be a good semester for all of us.

Guilty conscience

This morning I went into the kitchen to get breakfast and I heard a cat crying outside. I opened the back door to see what was going on and a little orange kitten came streaking into the house through the open door! S-Boogie was extremely delighted, and I thought he was pretty cute too. He was obviously wild, hungry, and desperate for a home (but not for human contact, which I learned when I tried to pick him up). I love animals and was very tempted to keep him around, but we had several problems: Master Fob is allergic to animal hair, the cat was not potty trained and would pee all over the house, also it was obviously not neutered or immunized, and I was worried that it might pass some disease on to S-Boogie. So I took him out back and tried to put him down at the edge of the parking lot by the grass. But, a few minutes later he was outside crying by our window (it's at ground level) and trying to get me to let him in. I called the animal shelter and got a recording stating that they are closed for the weekend. After a while I didn't hear anything and figured he went away. A few hours later he was still there when we left to go somewhere and I felt horrible all over again. By the time we got home he was nowhere to be seen, so I hope that he's all right. I feel terrible, but there wasn't much I could do for the cat. If we had a garage or a yard I would have lured him in there, but we can't keep him in the house. I just feel sad and hope he gets taken in by someone who can help him. Or maybe he'll come back on Monday and we can take him to the shelter (yeah I know they'll probably gas him, but it's better than starving to death or getting run over). Sorry kitty.

So glad I married a sensible man

I have recently discovered what a "Brazilian wax" really is, and I am horrified. There is a bulletin board for LDS women that I frequent and for some reason the subject of what to do with your "hair down there" came up (it's amazing what people talk about online that they would never, ever discuss in real life). Anyways, I was shocked at the number of women who admitted that they shave or wax it off, on a regular basis. Some are even willing to pay money to have a total stranger apply hot wax to their private areas! I am partly shocked that people do this, and also shocked to realize that I am apparently one of the few women left on this planet that has no desire to get rid of her pubic hair. And, many of them said that their husbands approved and actually encouraged this sort of thing. I was discussing this this evening with Master Fob and I was greatly relieved to note that he seemed even more horrified than I was by the whole thing, and so I am eternally grateful to have married someone with so much common sense.

You know you're in the "experienced mommies club" when...

...you realize that the child on your lap not only has a reeking diaper, but that is soaking through both their pants and yours, and then when you take it off you are actually happy that the wetness is "only pee" and not something worse.

Oh, and then you put bright pink pants on her that clash badly with the yellow shirt because it's only a few more hours until bedtime and there's no point in wasting the cute clothes for so short a time (at least I did put pants back on, I was seriously contemplating letting her run around pantless).

Even worse--I don't feel like changing my pants because they are drying out already

Why I am kicking myself today

My mom called last night to ask me to do her a favor. The school she is teaching at now has a large population of children whose parents only speak Spanish, so anything they send home must be in both English and Spanish. Apparently they have a translator/interpreter who works for the school that can do those kinds of things, but they are really busy with the new school year starting. So she wanted me to translate a letter for the parents into Spanish for her. And of course, I said yes. The thing is, I did major in Spanish Translation as an undergraduate, and I think that I have fairly good abilities in the language. But, I also learned several things in my class that really mean that I should say no to any translation requests. In the first place, one of the biggest rules in translation is that you should generally only work going into your native language. Thus, I should only translate things from Spanish into English. I know why this is so, because I have a really hard time being able to tell if my translation really sounds good. I don't have a native's ear and it's really hard to look at the finished product and feel like it sounds natural. Also, another big rule is that you should always hire someone who is actively working in the translation field and who is accredited. I don't fit either of those criteria at all. I am working on my master's degree in Spanish, but not specifically doing any translation work right now. I didn't want to make my mom feel bad by telling her any of this, though, so now I'm frantically trying to translate a letter into Spanish and it really isn't going that well. At least I did make her promise to run it by the school's translator for revisions before she sends it out.

So yeah, those are some of my complaints about translation. It really is a specialized skill, and I hate it when I see people just assume that anyone who knows two languages can automatically translate. In San Francisco one of the museum exhibits was in English and Spanish and I noticed that some of the Spanish was really, really poorly written. It made me feel bad. It's like trying to save money by asking a veterinarian to operate on you. They have medical experience, right?

"Ha ha, crazy Mama "

Thank you for pointing that out, S-Boogie.

It really is a miracle

Warning: this post is about reproduction, so feel free to ignore it if you want

As much as I have lived the last two years in fear of getting pregnant before I'm ready (like 2 months after I have a baby), I've decided that the whole accidental pregnancy thing is probably much less stressful than the deliberately trying thing. The problem is, there are only one or two days out of the entire month where it is physically possible to get pregnant. That's it--your only chance. So, you have to monitor your body very carefully and then try to figure out when those special days are. Then you have to do what it takes to get pregnant on those days, and generally the hormones will make you want it, but not always (and there's always all the other life factors that get in the way too...). On top of all that, you won't know if what you did worked or not for at least another two weeks or so, and if it didn't then you have wait a few more weeks to try again! I don't know why this is bothering me so much, since it's not like we don't already have one kid and we've only been really trying for a little while. I know why people get really depressed after things don't work like they are supposed to for months on end. I should have ovulated two days ago, but I don't think I did. Then again, I'm not that sure and maybe I did. And I won't be able to find out for another few weeks or so. Yeah, in an ideal world we would be able to "try" every day or so, but we're not like that, OK? Once you've been married for a few years things just aren't that fun--sorry to disappoint all you single people, but there comes a point in your marriage where having sex every day is no longer a priority or even a possibility. Anyways, I think I'm feeling a little too hormonal and I should just go make some cookies or something.

Fragile

That is how I've been feeling for the last few days: fragile. Most of the time I feel OK, but underneath my skin I seem to have some kind of tension, like the world is just too much and I'm going to fall apart at any moment. I know a big part of it is the lack of sleep. The last few nights have not gone well at all. I'm still trying to recover from arriving home from out trip at 2 AM the other day. Both last night and the night before I felt like I was too exhausted to actually fall asleep. My body kept doing this weird thing where I would start to drop off and then jerk myself awake. Last night I had taken a sleeping pill, so I never came back to full wakefulness but was in a weird irritable state. I hope that doesn't happen again, it was freaky and not a lot of fun.

It's also not a great point in the monthly cycle and I've got all kinds of weird hormones swirling around inside right now. I have been trying to keep track of my menstrual cycle and chart it so I can get a better idea of what's happening to me and how it affects my mood. I have also been reading several books on depression lately and trying to work out some sort of understanding of what is going on. Hopefully I can come up with some kind of plan or something that will help me get some balance back in my life. I think tonight I will go do some yoga and take a hot bath before bed. Maybe it will reduce the writhing and screaming that happened last night and made me a most difficult person to share a bed with.

Road trip!

I haven't posted for a week because we have been gone on a wild and crazy vacation in the land of cold and fog, otherwise known as San Francisco. We drove over there to visit our friends, the Thteed family. They actually live elsewhere in California, but were visiting Lady Steed's parents who live near San Francisco, so we were kind of crashing their family vacation, but apparently it was cool. Last week:

Sunday: We left after church (5 pm) and drove to Reno. Nothing really exciting happened. We found a surprisingly nice park in Wendover and ate dinner there. The best part of the day was when we arrived in Reno at midnight and had to wake S-Boogie up to bring her into the hotel. She looked like she was having a bad trip from all the lights and noise in the casino.

Monday: Took our sweet time driving to San Francisco. Stopped at the Jelly Belly factory for their tour and loaded up on free samples. If you are ever driving across northern California on I--80, it is definitely worth stopping for. The factory was pretty neat and had lots of cool machines (there weren't any Oompa Loompas, though). Plus they are very generous with the samples. We also drove across the Golden Gate Bridge for free because the nice toll booth lady counted S-Boogie as a member of our carpool. Had a nice picnic dinner by the beach in Half Moon Bay and fed Pringles to the seagulls. I need to sit by the ocean more often.

Tuesday: Went to Golden Gate Park and saw the bison and the windmill. I thoroughly enjoyed walking around and smelling the eucalyptus trees--I think they are one of my favorite trees ever. S-Boogie and The Big O had a great time at the playground. We stopped for Chinese food on the way home and had a waiter who didn't realize that when you have two toddlers at the table you need to get them out of the restaurant as quickly as possible. I'm sure everyone there was amused by S-Boogie's ritual chanting of "noodles in my bowl".

Wednesday: Went to San Francisco again and paid an insane amount of money to park our car for the day. It probably would have been cheaper just to get a parking ticket or even to have to replace the car. Anyways, we had a lot of fun at the California Academy of Sciences museum and aquarium. S-Boogie loved the fish and wasn't that amused by the penguins. We also visited the main branch of the San Francisco library and bought some books at their book sale. It had a really large selection, but the prices were a little steep for a library sale. The library was large and nice, but Orem still has a better media collection.

Thursday: We went south to Santa Cruz. Stopped along the way to check out a dead humpback whale that had washed up on the beach. It looked like a deflated balloon, but at least it didn't smell as bad as I had feared. We also went for a short hike in the redwood forest (now I just need to visit the New York islands) and then we hit the boardwalk. S-Boogie got her fix of carnival rides and Mr Fob and I went on the Giant Dipper, one of the oldest roller coasters in America. We also discovered that The Big O really hates carnival rides, but he liked feeding cheerios to the seagulls with S-Boogie.

Friday: Drove, drove and drove some more. We came back to Utah in one straight shot and it took longer than we had expected. Stopped at In-N-Out on the way and Mr Fob discovered another reason why California rules. For dinner we stopped at a place in Battle Mountain, Nevada (the Armpit of America). I think the waitress thought we were weird and cheap because we ordered one chicken fried steak to split (we weren't that hungry and no one wants to eat an entire chicken fried steak before sitting in the car for hours on end) and then we ordered a single scoop of ice cream (it was to mix S-Boogie's medicine into). Plus we only had water to drink, but we always do that since we hate soda. Anyways, the journey was long but we made it home at 2 AM and went directly to sleep (after checking email, of course).

I was a little nervous about going on this trip because I haven't been feeling so great lately and travelling tends to get me all out of sorts. But, it was a lot of fun and I felt better than I have in a long time because I had to get out and do things every day. Plus it was so nice to be able to spend time with Mr Fob and S-Boogie without other distractions there. More than anything, I realized that I really, really need to live by the ocean. I don't know why, but walking on the beach can fill that hole inside like nothing else can. We'll have to see what we can do about that someday...

So that was our trip and it was lots of fun; I'll probably post a few pictures after we get them onto the computer, which probably won't happen until tomorrow.

Thank you Tolkien Boy

Yesterday my two year old said the word "sex" for the first time. I'm not sure if I should be amused or frightened.

Nostalgia smells like...

Onions and celery frying in margarine: being a little kid and waiting for dinner

Vaseline Intensive Care lotion (yellow bottle): reminds me of my mom

Hand cleaner and engine grease: reminds me of dad

Wet dirt: more little kid stuff (once in Madrid we walked by some guy hosing down the sidewalk and there was this powerful wet dirt smell mixed with oleander flowers and I could swear I was standing on the sidewalk outside our house on Paradise Street)

Rain on sagebrush: living in Mountain Home

Manure and alfalfa: Grandma's house

Seaweed: going to the beach, especially stopping by on a winter evening to watch the sun set

Warm green onions: working at Taco Bell

Cucumber melon lotion: our honeymoon (!)

No me gusta

Let me start by saying that I generally like the Spanish department and I am enjoying being a graduate student quite a bit. But, I am really frustrated by the whole teaching process and it drives me nuts every semester. For one thing, there is just too much politics involved and all that usual junk, but I'm not even going to go into that here. As part of being a "student instructor" (we are not TAs in case you are wondering) you are required to attend a workshop during the week before school beings. So far there is no information available about the workshop. Like when it starts and ends each day, etc. That makes it kind of hard to coordinate my schedule and Master Fob's schedule, plus I will probably have to arrange some sort of child care for parts of the week (yeah, some of us students actually have lives besides school--imagine that). I still don't know which classes I will be teaching or when they will be, and I probably won't find out until partway through the week of the workshop. And, since our salary is just a stipend that is disbursed throughout the semester we technically get paid for the week, but it really doesn't feel like it. I hate the not knowing thing, because it makes it really hard to get prepared ahead of time. Once the semester starts it's even harder to get stuff together and I like to have a running start. I could be doing any one of four possible class options which are all very different. I'd hate to get myself all ready to teach a 101 class and really be teaching 201. Plus, if I am assigned a class I can email them before the first day of school and give them a heads up on the class requirements and possibly weed out some people who shouldn't be in the class anyway. The truth is, I've been struggling with whether I enjoy teaching or not. The lack of support from my supervisors makes it even harder to deal with things. I also hate having to spend the first few weeks of the semester explaining to my students why the required conversation lab isn't up and running or why the required CD ROM only works on the Macs in the HLRC and not on their home computer (and why no one has just put the stuff on the web like other language classes). Urgh--all responsibility and no power make FoxyJ go crazy!

Miracle of miracles!

I got nearly 9 hours of sleep last night. I felt like an almost normal person today. I tried the sleeping pill one more time, and I guess the third time is the charm. Yesterday was a good day and very relaxing, plus I had a nice little neck and back massage before I went to sleep, and I managed to drift off rather painlessly into dreamland. I hope this is the beginning of a new trend in sleeping for me, but if it's not then at least I will always remember last night as a wonderful night for sleep.

Sunday, Sunday

Most Sundays I end up coming home from church feeling worse than when I did before I went. My calling is really stressful and sacrament meeting with a two year old is just plain torture. But, today was actually a really nice day at church. Maybe it's because I woke up feeling like total crap so the day had to get better from there because there was nothing else it could do. I really didn't sleep well last night, and I was also beset by "female troubles". Ugh. I started feeling a little better after I watched "Music and the Spoken Word" this morning. I've gotten into watching it lately and I'm finally starting to like the Tabernacle Choir. Today they sang a really cool arrangement of Lead Kindly Light and they also sang How Firm a Foundation, both of which are favorite hymns of mine. Then we got to sing Come, Oh Thou King of Kings and Lead Kindly Light in sacrament meeting, which made me very happy. The testimonies were pretty uplifting today and S-Boogie generally played calmly with her new toys. Primary was chaotic, but most of the teachers showed up so I was much less stressed than I usually am. So, yeah, I'm glad I got to have a positive church experience today. I really hope the next calling I have isn't quite so involved and that I will have a chance to really get something from church instead of always having to give so much.

Another thing I realized today is that I really want to get more involved with music. I feel like that used to be a major part of my life and it really isn't anymore. I really love to play the piano and one of my favorite things is to be an accompanist. During high school I was really involved in music at church and I did tons of playing on my mission, but it's been years since I had that kind of calling. I really hope we can buy a piano sometime in the next few years or so. I would like to get back into playing more often and I really want my children to all learn how. I know as kids we mostly didn't like taking lessons, but almost all of us are now quite musical.

And my final happy thing that happened today was that S-Boogie said the blessing at lunch. We were deciding whose turn it was when S-Boogie piped up with "my turn". So Mr. Fob helped her say it and she got most of the words out. It was very sweet.

Happy Birthday S-Boogie!

This is my favorite picture of S-Boogie as a baby; it was taken shortly after she was born, and she just has such a wise little look on her face. I can't believe it's been 2 years already and that she is so much more grown up now. They really do get big so fast. I still don't quite feel like a "mom", but I am so glad to have S-Boogie in our family and I have a hard time remembering life without her. Happy birthday little one!

"What have we done to make God angry?"

I'm beginning to think that the ancient belief in the wheel of Fortune was correct after all, and for some reason we keep ending up on the bottom lately. I really don't think that God micromanages our lives and is sending us all these "trials" (and I don't think that they are necessarily all really trials). I generally hate to use the word "trial" because I think it implies something really large and monumental that might never go away. Personally I think too many people use it too lightly these days. For some reason life seems to think that we should never have any money at all and the minute we get any it must be taken away to pay for stupid things like a new battery for the car or putting our child in the hospital. Sigh.

Oh, and I went to Target and bought some sleeping pills today. I have been unable to fall asleep before 1 AM for nearly a week and now I'm getting desperate. Despite a lifetime of sleep problems this is the first time I have taken this step and I am a little nervous to do it. I hope I will be able to awake refreshed in the morning and not spend the entire day tomorrow in a stupor of thought.

Today is August 3rd

1 year ago: I was getting ready for S-Boogie's birthday party and trying to finish all of my homework for my teaching methods class.

2 years ago: It was Sunday and I had to go to church and explain to everyone why I was still pregnant 3 days past my due date and that I had a c-section scheduled for later that week. I think I wore my striped orange shirt that made me look like a beach ball.

3 years ago: It was a Saturday, we probably just hung out and stuff. We were both working full time all summer and didn't do a lot else. It was exactly a week before my brother-in-law died, but we had no idea that that was going to happen. It was three days after the funeral of my former roommate and her husband, so I was still feeling down about that.

4 years ago: The week before my brother's wedding and my parents were here visiting. I was taking two classes that term, including a marriage preparation one. We were also trying to find an apartment for me to move into for Fall semester.

5 years ago: I was in Madrid; it was very, very hot and we spent a lot of time contacting people in the park. We were teaching these sweet Bolivian kids who got baptized a week or so later.

10 years ago: I was 17, we had just moved to Maryland and I was getting ready to start my senior year at a different high school. Not a very exciting time in life.

15 years ago: 12 years old, getting ready to start junior high. I'm sure I spent a lot of time riding my bike to the library and stuff like that.

20 years ago: I would have been 7, we were living in San Diego. Probably went to the beach or something like that.

25 years ago: Um, I was 2, so probably doing your usual 2 year old things. I really don't remember back that far at all...

Get Confident, Stupid!

Yesterday was a better day, even if I was in a brain fog from going to bed so late. I did some chores around the house, and even cleaned my refrigerator (I know it's been at least six months since I last did that). I also took a little walk with S-Boogie and made some banana chocolate chip cookies. Also, I checked out some books on depression from the library. I've started with the one from Deseret Book and it's really not too bad at all. It was published a few years ago and is directed primarily towards women. The coauthors have both dealt with depression and one is a therapist, so it's not just a "pray harder and serve others" type of book at all. Actually, they keep pointing out that "depression is a physical illness and not a spiritual defect". I already knew that, but there are plenty of people out there who don't.

Last night I was reading the chapter on triggers of depressive episodes and brain chemistry that makes you vulnerable to being depressed. One thing that I wanted to read more on is developmental psychology, or the idea that life is a series of stages that we progress through. The authors pointed out that for women, certain developmental stages are inherently more likely to trigger depression because of their difficulty. I thought it was interesting that they said a major time for depression in women is when they have been married for about 5-10 years and have several small children at home. (So hanging out with preschoolers will make you crazy after all.) I guess it's a bad combo of finally settling into the realities of marriage, struggles for authority with kids that are finally speaking their own minds (albeit in an irrational way) and the fact that at that point many husbands are starting to get really involved in their careers and experiencing an upswing in their lives.

So right now the plan is to be aware of what's going on, try and work on physical things like diet and exercise, and to go to the counseling center when I start school again. I'm not sure I need medication, but I'm open to the option. I think I'm one of the only people in my immediate family who has not yet taken psych meds, so I might as well join the party (By the way, big thanks to my brother for stopping by last night. That was really, really appreciated by me.) Yeah, so maybe I can get my life a little more under control and start feeling happy again. That would be a nice feeling.

Thinking...

I've been trying to decide for the last little while if I really do have a problem or if I just need to try harder to get my life together. I found this list of symptoms for depression on the BYU counseling center website and am not sure if they apply or not:
1. Loss of interest or pleasure in activities.
Well, I dropped my classes because I couldn't get myself to enjoy them at all. Then again, Cuban poetry isn't that interesting to many people. But, I really have been feeling "flat" lately and I often feel bored, like nothing is interesting or worth doing. Even cooking or reading don't interest me as much as they used to.
2. Significant change in appetite, or change in body weight when not dieting.
Not sure about this one, because I've been overweight for a while. But, I have been having weird issues with food. Certain types of foods will totally gross me out just by their texture or smell or strange stuff like that. I will start eating and be unable to continue because I can't handle certain things. Like the other day I almost gagged trying to eat my salad because the tomatoes and avocado were just too squishy.
3. Sleep Disturbance
Well, I am typing this at 1 AM because I couldn't fall asleep. I've had sleep issues for a long time, but they seem to be particularly bad lately.
4. Fatigue
Uh, yeah, but I kind of figured it had to do with the inability to sleep thing. That's not a good thing when combined with a toddler who gets up each morning at 7:30 raring to go.
5. Feelings of worthlessness or feeling excessively guilty.
Don't even know where to start on this. Realized the other day that I have no friends, I suck at school, I sit around my house on my butt and yell at S-Boogie for bugging me. Yeah, I don't know what to do with myself and I feel like crap for it.
6. Decreased ability to concentrate, or difficulty making decisions.
This one is also a big one because it's the one that is bugging me most. I feel like I can never make up my mind, like I can't concentrate or think about any one thing because there are like millions of thoughts crowding my brain all the time. I can't shut it off and I can't prioritize what I should be worrying about and what I shouldn't.
7. Recurrent thoughts about death or suicide
OK, the last time I ever thought about killing myself I was about 15 or so and I mainly wondered if anyone in my family would even notice that I was gone. But, I do keep having these panicky feelings of wanting to leave the world and just hide somewhere else for a while. Like I want to check out of life and not have to deal with it anymore because it's "too much".

Yeah. I don't know if I'm depressed because I quit school or if I quit school because I'm depressed. But I realized the other day that I rarely feel like life is fun or fulfilling. I feel grouchy and irritable a lot of the time, and I keep feeling like I have no control over my life. I know that this isn't normal, but I can't remember not feeling this way, so I don't know what normal is any more.

Oh, and a lot of things I look at say stuff like that you should try getting your life in order first to see if it clears things up. Like get more sleep, exercise, eat well, etc. Um, I really do try. I occasionally make a commitment to exercise, plan out how I'm going to do it, and then wake up feeling like crap so I don't do it. Or I do it for one day and then fall off the wagon and then spend the next week feeling bad about being such a bum. Yeah, I feel too crappy to get my life together, but I need to get my life together to feel better? I'm not sure how that works...

Anyways, I think I will post this and go to bed. Not sure what I'll do tomorrow. Maybe I will try going for a walk and cleaning the bathroom. That might help.