Celebrate!

It's 3:15 and both kids are sleeping in their beds. Now what do I do with myself?

Maybe I should work on my thesis...Or maybe I should make some hot cocoa and read a book...

Gimme a Break

Once upon a time a woman gave birth to a darling baby girl. This little girl took nearly a year to sleep through the night, but still gave her mother a rest during the day by napping at regular intervals. By the time she reached eighteen months old, she spent several hours napping every afternoon, during which time her mother could enjoy surfing the internet and eating chocolate with wild abandon. This blissful pattern continued for over a year, until one day this little girl decided she was done with naps. Perhaps this was partly due to the influence of a wily little brother who has nothing but contempt for daytime sleep, but perhaps it was just an entirely original idea. These days a typical afternoon goes something like this:

2:00 Stories are read and S-Boogie is deposited in her bed for a nap. Mommy goes into her bedroom to nurse Little Dude and read.

2:30 Little Dude, now sound asleep, is placed in his crib. S-Boogie is reminded that it is nap time, not singing/humming/monologuing time.

2:40 S-Boogie emerges from her room to go rock with Ducky, because "he's having trouble going to sleep and I need to rock him" Mommy offers to rock with both of them.

3:00 S-Boogie is once again in her bed and Mommy rejoices. Little Dude immediately wakes up and starts wailing.

3:15 Little Dude is back to sleep and back in his crib. S-Boogie is tucked into bed again.

3:20 Little Dude is awake. Rocking commences once again.

3:30 Little Dude is asleep in his swing. S-Boogie emerges to announce a poopy diaper.

3:45 S-Boogie is back in bed with a clean diaper. Little Dude is crying in his swing while Mommy makes a bottle hoping the extra little snack will calm him.

4:00 Little Dude is drunk on formula and falling asleep in the swing. Mommy breaks out the chocolate chips and peanut butter and eats a banana.

4:05 Mommy hears coughing and choking sounds from the swing. Little Dude is covered in spitup. Upon investigation Mommy discovers that he has vomited the entire bottle out his mouth and nose and is sitting in a puddle of barf. The bottle was apparently a bad idea.

4:15 Little Dude is in clean clothes and S-Boogie has been tucked in her bed again. Now she is crying about not wanting to nap.

4:30 Little Dude is asleep in his crib.

4:40 Mommy decides that S-Boogie might as well come out, since it's almost dinner time and then they are going to a Halloween party at 6. Discovers that S-Boogie has finally fallen asleep.

4:50 Little Dude wakes up again.

5:00 Mommy blogs about her afternoon instead of making dinner or cleaning up the swing. Little Dude is rolling around eating his feet and cooing. At least he's happy.

Week in Review

I went walking three times this week. Normally my friend can go Monday, Tuesday and Friday, but she couldn't make it this week on Tuesday. I did get up by myself and go Wednesday. I don't know if I'm going to burn a lot of calories, but having someone to talk to is doing a lot of good for my psyche. So is getting up and moving before I get kicked out of bed by the babies. I hope I can keep this up even when the weather gets colder.

S-Boogie is probably going to end up being Supergirl again this year. I realized a few days ago that we could just buy her a yellow sweatshirt and put black stripes on it with tape, but plain yellow sweatshirts are impossible to find. So are bee antennae. I'm a lame mom for waiting until the last minute to find a costume. I've also realized that 90 percent of the girl costumes out there are princess outfits. Why are princesses the only choices for girls these days? The other day at the toy store a mom was surprised that S-Boogie was enjoying the train table so much. All little kids should get a chance to play with trains.

I noticed in the ad we got in the mail that Albertsons had a bunch of canned goods on sale for really cheap, so I drove over and stocked up. I spent fifty dollars but I saved thirty-five. Hearing "you saved thirty-five dollars" made me happy.

We're considering finding a preschool for S-Boogie starting in January. I always wanted to wait until she was at least four. But she's constantly talking about going to school lately, and I was talking it over with my walking buddy who has a little girl with a very similar personality. She told me they were able to find a program that was just a few hours twice a week and her daughter loved it. I think S-Boogie might really like the break and I would appreciate the time off. We'll see what we can find and what we can afford. I only want to do it if it will benefit her.

I've been reading a ton of books lately and maybe one day I'll get around to posting some reviews on here. I also just received a book I need for my thesis through interlibrary loan and hopefully I'll do something with it before it needs to go back.

I am now going to end this post so I can go eat a brownie and get to bed early enough to enjoy walking tomorrow morning. We'll try and post costume pictures tomorrow night after our local Halloween party.

Time Slips Away

Little Dude is five months old today! I can't believe how quickly the last few months have flown by. He's suddenly not a little infant but a chubby, smiling baby. He has really discovered the power of a smile and will anxiously wait for people to look at him so he can grin back. This month he also found his voice and will try and "talk" to you when he's in a good mood. Two other milestones he's reached this month are rolling from his back to his front and reaching out to grab things. He loves going to playgroup with us because he can watch the other kids and I can tell he is anxious to get down on the floor and play with them. He'll sit on my lap and flap his arms and legs and coo with delight. Little Dude is still somewhat cranky, but we're learning how to live with each other and how to help him be happy. We started giving S-Boogie solid food at five months, but I'm willing to wait until six with this guy. He doesn't sit up very well yet in the feeding seat and I'm not ready to spend time making baby food quite yet either. Soon enough; there's no need to rush things. Time flies fast enough without the extra help.

Boogie Woogie

I fear that I too often focus on the negative in my relationship with my children. This year with S-Boogie has been particularly difficult for both us. I've either been uncomfortably pregnant, recovering from having a baby, or just plain stressed out by life to really want to deal with a challenging toddler. And she certainly can be pretty challenging; this is a child who can melt into a crying puddle when you give her the wrong color of cup or who can argue with you about whether the sun is awake or not. But, she really does have so many good qualities. Some days it feels like they only occasionally peep out between the clouds like rays of sunshine, but I'm glad when they do. For instance, she is incredibly creative. Tonight she had a group of about five or six long Duplos. First she made them into a piano and hummed a little tune; then they became a flute; then rhythm sticks; then a car; then an airplane so we could come to Seattle. All that from five blocks. Then she wanted to color with her crayons. However, she actually isn't all that into coloring and really just want to play with the crayons. From the other room I can hear her making up little voices: "Hey red, you want to play?" "Oh no, he fell off the table. Blue, are you OK?" "Yellow wants to go to the playground and go on the slide", etc. It's so funny. She'll do that with crayons, her little guys from the Duplo set, her food, her stuffed animals, etc. And everyone is her friend. Her bed is filled with at least ten different stuffed animals. She can't go anywhere without taking someone along with her. I think she freaks other kids out sometimes because they are all her friends too; she'll go right up and try to hold hands or hug them and most kids aren't that affectionate right off the bat. S-Boogie is also very enthusiastic about everything. She loves to go places and do things. Her response to just about anything is "Yay!". I hope she keeps her openness and enthusiasm for things as she gets bigger. Some days the excess energy and stubbornness wear me out. But I keep reminding myself that they are good traits. She's a pretty resilient kid. And no matter what we do, she still loves us. After her bath tonight she gave me a big hug and said "I love you mommy". I really love you too, Boogie girl.

Uh Oh...

Halloween is next Tuesday and S-Boogie doesn't have a costume yet. We did finally get a pumpkin today, so maybe we'll get a jack-o-lantern carved before then.

Master Fob's birthday is next Friday and I don't know what to get him. Well, besides a better paying job, a full scholarship, or a publisher for his novels.

Sigh...

Just pray I don't have food stuck in my teeth

Several years ago Master Fob decided to write a personal essay for a class. After it got a positive reception we decided to publish it. Both of us decided that it would be a good idea to put our names in it rather than leaving it simply as "anonymous". Part of the point of the essay was to emphasize that there are real people behind the story and that we have no shame in our decisions. Then the nice reporter from the Trib wanted to know if we'd be willing to have our pictures in the paper, because you can't have a very good newspaper story with just pseudonyms. Now we've had several offers to appear on TV and documentaries.

Last week I answered the phone expecting to hear the same annoying telemarketer who calls us several times a day. Instead I was greeted by an enthusiastic, official-sounding woman who introduced herself as a reporter from Fox 13 (just you watch the best!) in Salt Lake. She'd seen the article in the Tribune and wanted to know if we would participate in a series about gay Mormons. I actually found myself quite willing to participate, although I don't know why. I try to be somewhat cautious about relying too much on my feelings, but I've had a good feeling about this gig every time I think about it. Master Fob was a little surprised that I was so eager to agree because a month or so ago we had a national talk show (not Oprah) wanting us, but I just wasn't ready then. I'm still not sure I want to go national; for one thing, we'd have to fly to New York and Fox 13 is willing to come to us.

Now I'm really nervous because in two days a reporter and camera person are coming to our humble abode to talk to us. I hope our apartment doesn't look too dumpy and pathetic on camera. I hope I don't look too pathetic; I have a morbid fear of watching myself on tape. I may not be able to handle watching the finished product at all. I really hope the kids are somewhat decent and not crying or whining or saying things like "mommy has a hairy bum". I also hope most people I know in Utah are smart enough not to watch Fox 13 news.

More than anything I'm nervous because I don't really know what we'll say. Since this whole thing got so big we've been trying to decide what our purpose in going public is. It hasn't been totally easy. I've read some pretty vehement comments on message boards by people who feel threatened by our choices. I don't want people to feel that we are trying to tell them what to do or are trying to say that their particular choice is wrong. Some gay people choose celibacy, some choose committed relationships or marriage with a same-sex partner, some choose casual sexual encounters, some choose marriage to an opposite-sex partner. I think more than anything we want other couples in similar marriages to realize that they are not alone. I think one of the most gratifying things to come out of the original essay was a friendship we have made with another couple who sought us out because they were so grateful to realize that they were not the only ones. We just don't want people to think that we are advocating this choice for others. I don't know anyone else's situation. I don't know what is right for them. I certainly would never presume to tell others that they should or should not get married. But I also want people who do get married to know that they aren't alone and to know a little better what to expect. I know we can't change the attitudes of everyone out there or anything, but I hope we can put a few more personal faces on the debate. It can be so easy to stereotype and to argue about generalizations; I just hope we can make a bit of difference with our humble effort.

Small Steps

After dinner tonight we had some time to kill, and it was actually not raining outside (today was a beautiful fall day) so I gave in to S-Boogie's pleas to go outside to the playground. I'm not very good at being socially forward, but I'm starting to make some friends here with the other parents and I'm really enjoying being back in an environment where there are so many people in the same situation. Tonight another family that I know from my ward was outside and so I started talking with them a bit. I actually know C (not sure if she wants her real name on the web) from being in the same singles ward the summer before I got married, and we've conversed quite a few times since I moved here. Tonight we chatted about how hard it is to live on student income (AKA nada) and how hard it can be living with two little kids, especially when your husband is gone so often for school and work. For some reason it really made me feel better to have someone else say "yeah, your life is hard right now". My mom said the same thing to me earlier this week and just having that validation helped a lot. I keep feeling guilt for struggling to get used to parenting two children; it's hard to avoid feeling like I should be doing a better job or that I'm a bad mommy because they're usually both unhappy. I know I still need to get into some therapy and possibly get some medication, but I'm trying to do some of the other things that can help. Like not spending all afternoon feeling guilty about not washing the dishes and instead simply washing some of them when both kids or sleeping. Or choosing not to wash dishes and taking a few minutes to read a book and deciding not to feel bad about that. And I've discovered this week that asking other people for help and support generally gets me more help and support than rejection.

C also told me that she's been looking for someone to go walking with in the mornings. I'm really thinking about doing it, because exercise could do me good and it would be nice to spend some time with a friend. Plus if I'm comitted to going with someone, it will be easier to get up and go. I'm just hesitant because I still don't know if Little Dude will wake up during the night or what time he will wake up in the morning (without getting too graphic, I have to feed the baby before I do anything else in the morning). I also don't want to make it harder for Master Fob to get ready for school or work by being gone, but I think we could work it out. More than anything, I've been feeling too fragile for commitments lately. My first response to her question was an automatic rejection. But I think I could do this and I think it would be good. To quote a movie that I really hate, "Baby steps, baby steps".

Wish Lists

It's still a little over two months until Christmas, but we've already had some people ask about presents. I just updated everybody's wish lists on Amazon, so everything should be current. S-Boogie and Little Dude share her list, so you can find it under her given name (ask us if you need help finding it). Amazon now lets you make sublists, so the books are for both of them, the one marked "toys" is ideas for her and the one marked "stuff for baby" is ideas for him. Both of the toy lists are just an idea of the sorts of things we want, since neither of them is old enough to get real specific about what they want for Christmas yet. S-Boogie could also use some warm clothes for winter, but Little Dude is pretty well stocked on clothes. My wish list is also updated, and I also wouldn't mind new clothes or money to get them either. If you weren't already planning on getting us stuff and think this post is a plea for gifts, just ignore it. Your happy thoughts and warm wishes are all the gifts we really need from you.

Where I Stand

You are a Social Liberal (61% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (18% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Juvenile Humor

I have to try really hard not to laugh every time S-Boogie asks for one of her new favorite snacks--peanuts. She can't pronounce the T very well and it usually sounds like something else...

And the other day I exclaimed to Little Dude "You have big balls!" (on his shirt, I meant)

Yes, I really am almost 30 years old and a college graduate....

AWOL

I haven't been posting very much over the last few weeks. Part of it has been the whole chaos of moving, plus people visiting and me going out of town. And I haven't been feeling very inspired as of late. As much as I've been trying to fight it, I really feel down lately. Some of that is due to adjusting to a new area, difficulty getting our finances in order and finding jobs that will cover the rent, the fact that Little Dude still just wants to spend all day in my arms, etc. But I also realized the other day that my life doesn't have to be as hard as it feels. I have way too many days where I don't even want to get out of bed, where things like getting dressed or brushing my teeth feel like they take too much effort, and I just want to go hide under a rock somewhere. I also realize that I can't fix this myself--it's there in my brain and I can't make it go away. The other day at a bookstore I stumbled on a book about post-partum depression and it was like reading about myself. It also mentioned that women with a history of depression, or who had a traumatic delivery, or who have colicky babies can be more at risk for PPD. Hmmm... I need to get my temple recommend renewed, so I think I'll ask my bishop about getting a recommendation for LDS family services for counseling. We don't have insurance yet, plus I think an LDS therapist would be more understanding of certain issues I have. I just don't want to feel this way any more, and I think I'm ready to do whatever it takes to get better.

Four Days on the Road

• Thanks to Google I found advice on how to remove unwanted crayon from clothes. We soaked them in Borax for an hour or so to remove all the wax and then washed them in hot water and color-safe bleach to get the color out. Most of the pink spots are gone, although I have still found a few here and there.
• Taxi rides cost a lot of money. So does eating every meal at a restaurant and doing things like buying an umbrella just because it's pouring rain. But, BYU was very generous and paid for a very nice hotel room with a beautiful view of the Potomac river in the rain and I got reimbursed for all the taxi rides.
• Traveling with a baby is hard, but I was grateful for my spiffy new stroller with the rain cover. Little Dude was very pleasant during the conference and a number of the other participants commented on how cute he was and how much he reminded them of their kids or grandkids. I wonder if it would have been different at a conference that wasn't on feminist literature and therefore attended primarily by women.
• It was cool to hang out with so many intellectual people and meet so many smart, interesting women. I am seriously thinking about going on to get a PhD now. Master Fob and I will have to discuss this more. I also really need to write my thesis and I need to try and publish my paper (especially since someone in my session was taking copious notes during my presentation and I don't want her to publish my paper instead of me).
• My parents are very nice and very generous. My mom came up and watched Little Dude on Thursday night, along with my friend's baby who also came along with us. They also bought me a new suitcase on Saturday since mine started splitting open. And they came to hear my paper, even though I'm sure the subject was not that interesting to them.
• I'm glad to be home with Master Fob and S-Boogie again.

Can I just go cry now?

In preparation for packing everything to go to DC tomorrow I washed all the laundry today. I just went to get the enormous load of all the kids' clothes out of the dryer and realized that there is hot pink crayon melted all over everything. I didn't think S-Boogie even had pockets big enough to put crayons in.

I just got a nice email from Geico informing us that our premium has now doubled since we moved to Seattle.

I also realized yesterday that I haven't looked at the paper I'm reading since March, so maybe I should read through it once before I read it to a crowd.

I haven't had time for a haircut since July and my hair looks terrible. I've also broken out majorly this last week and I never managed to get some decent brown dress shoes to replace my beaten down Doc Martens from my mission. I feel so professional.

I've gotten several nice emails from people over the last few days and I won't have time to respond before I go.

Sigh.

At least my thromdibulator works

I usually hate those talks that use comparisons to help you understand how blessed you are; the fact that other people's lives suck more than mine doesn't necessarily make me appreciate mine more. Plus, I think the suckiness is relative. Anyways, the other day was reading about a girl who had only been married for a few weeks when her husband was in a horrific car accident. He suffered brain damage that doctors aren't sure will ever heal. For the last year they've lived in his parents' basement and she has to do things like give him liquid feedings every 4 hours and change his diapers. He can't even talk to her or walk on his own. Or how would you like to be the poor girl from Provo whose parents are now in court on kidnapping charges because they forcibly drove her to Colorado the day before she was supposed to get married? That's a way to get off on the right foot with your inlaws. Or what about the poor wife of this guy in Pennsylvania who went nuts and started shooting little girls. Can you imagine someday getting a phone call from your spouse like "the police are here and I'm not coming home"? Or what about the poor man whose wife decides to cheat on him with her sixth-grade student? Or the guy whose wife decides to kidnap a baby because she couldn't have one? Yikes! Tolstoy has been famously quoted as saying "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way" (yeah, I'm paraphrasing). I think that quote sets up a false dichotomy, and one could assume that there are both unhappy and happy families in the world. Personally, I think that all families have the capacity for happiness or unhappiness. And all go through periods of both. Like Tolstoy pointed out, there is an infinite number of ways to be unhappy, many of them spectacularly bizarre. I'm grateful that (so far) any of the unhappiness in our marriage has not been the publicly weird kind. I know some people think that we're taking too big of a risk to get married. Unfortunately they haven't figured out yet that marriage, like life, is all about risk.

It'll Eat You Up Inside

A few years ago, Master Fob and I attended the annual Evergreen conference together. While he went to workshops specifically geared towards his situation, I attended a few that were for spouses (in reality, wives--I didn't see any husbands there). I actually felt out of place with many of the women there, because for most of them learning about their husband's homosexuality had been a traumatic experience. One workshop focused on healing ourselves so we can be stronger to support our spouses. The facilitator pointed out that any trauma requires a period of grief so we can deal with the change in our life and move forward. At the time, I tuned out that message, because I didn't have to mourn my old idea of our relationship and I didn't think I needed to deal with any sort of trauma.

I haven't been feeling very happy lately, either with myself or with life in general. Some of that is, I'm sure, biochemical, since I just had a baby a few months ago and have had trouble with depression in the past. But I realized the other day that what I feel most of the time is angry. I feel angry a lot lately, and not just because I have a baby who won't sleep and a hyperactive three-year-old. I think I'm stuck somewhere in the anger/denial stage of the grief process and I don't know how to move past that. I've never been good at dealing with anger. When other people get angry, I want to run away and hide. If I ever feel angry, I go to great lengths to avoid expressing it to other people. I think it's a bad combination of being a perfectionist and wanting people to like me. But the truth is, I'm mad, I'm frustrated, and I'm hurt--and I've felt this way for over a year now.

One of the reasons why I married Master Fob was because he had a strong testimony and was a genuinely good person (he still is). I first knew him as a missionary, and he was a good one who served with real love for other people. I loved attending the temple together when we were dating, and I thought we shared similar views on gospel subjects. And then he changed his mind. Part of me wants to be able to be unselfish and generous and let him have the freedom to explore other options, to be his own person, to live according to what he now thinks is right. I'm trying hard to do that, since that's really my only option. I don't want him to do stuff he doesn't feel good about just to make me happy; I want him to have a testimony of the gospel and live according to it, and not just go to church for other reasons. But, I'm finding that I just can't let go that easily. I know he didn't do this to me purposely or anything, but I'm still upset and hurt. I just don't know how to get past this stage to the stage of acceptance and forgiveness. But I'm going to try, because I'm tired of feeling angry all the time.