The Paradox of Praise

I just read an interesting article that's been making the rounds of the internet. Basically it talks about how praising children because they are smart can actually cause them to not work as hard and to do worse in school. It caught my eye because for my entire life I've told that I was "smart". I've been in gifted programs since I started elementary school. And, I do have some natural talent for learning things: I'm a fast reader, I have a good eye for detail, and I am curious about a lot of things. It's not like I'm a total slacker either. But at the same time, I think this quote sums up one of the major points of the article:

Dweck had suspected that praise could backfire, but even she was surprised by the magnitude of the effect. “Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control,” she explains. “They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.”

This sounds a lot like my experience with math. Math has never been a strong subject for me. My brain just doesn't "get it" in the same way that it does things like spelling or reading. It also doesn't help that I had the same incompetent math teacher for Algebra and Trigonometry in high school. Her teaching strategy was to give us an assignment each day in class. We were to read the textbook, do the problems, and then look up the answers in the back of the book to check our work. There was no actual teaching involved on her part. I got an A in both classes, and I'm sure most of the other people in there with me did too. Unfortunately, my experience with geometry was different because I had an actual teacher. I did a terrible job in that class and I still feel lost when I think about geometry. Looking back, I didn't put forth much effort at all. I was used to homework that I could easily finish and turn right in. No one told me "just try harder and you'll get it" either. Instead, they sympathized "you're just not good at math". Because I felt embarrassed that for once I wasn't good at something, I assumed I wasn't really that "smart" and felt like I couldn't do much to fix the problem.

I probably wouldn't have gotten into MIT if I had spent hours drilling myself on geometry, but I probably would have improved my test scores a bit and gained more confidence in my ability to try new things. Within the article I was impressed by the story of junior high kids who had a study skills class that centered on the idea that "the brain is like a muscle: when you use it, it gets bigger". Almost all of their scores went up after these lessons. I recently read two different books by Jeopardy! champions. They were both fun, well-written books and I learned a lot from them. One of the things I learned is that they both spent a lot of time studying and preparing for the show. Even though they are both intelligent people, they are also smart enough to work hard and practice. Most high-level musicians and athletes are not great just because of their talent; they also spend hours each day practicing their craft.

I've also read a number of parenting articles and books that emphasize the importance of failure and intermittent praise in a child's life. As a parent, it's really hard to see your kids fail. It's hard to watch Little Dude get frustrated again and again because the big block won't go inside the little one, or to S-Boogie try for 5 minutes to button up her own sweater. But at the same time, failure is an opportunity to try again and to exercise creativity. Small children are naturally ambitious, curious, and stubborn. I'm realizing that it's often parents and others who teach them (usually inadvertently) that failing is bad or that they can't handle stuff (I usually don't give S-Boogie 5 minutes to work on buttoning her sweater, because I'm in a hurry). But I've been trying to be more aware of these things and to give my kids opportunities to try new things. Even more importantly, I've been trying to help them know I love them no matter what, even when things don't work out the way they wanted them to be. I think if instead of telling people "you're great" we say "you're capable", it might change their perceptions of themselves.

This article just confirms my suspicions that self-esteem should not be the end goal of my parenting. Well, not self-esteem in the nebulous sense of "I'm wonderful and I'm smart and I can do anything I want". Unfortunately, many criminals think those same thoughts (for what it's worth, I think psychopathy is partly just nature as well as nurture). Instead, I want my kids to have the confidence that they can do hard things. I want them to know what their specific talents are, rather than just nebulous praise like "you're smart". I also want them to be able to honestly look at themselves and evaluate their failures and what they could do better the next time, without falling apart because they failed. I want them to have a sure sense of themselves and their worth, so they can avoid cliquishness, snobbery, and the impulse to cheat. Now I just need to figure out how to teach myself all these things and really believe them.

Etc.

My dad got me the yogurt maker I talked about in my birthday wish list post. I tried it out the other day and it works quite well. I like the fact that it has plastic cups, which reduces the fear of breakage from small children playing in the fridge. I thought it a little weird because it has 8 cups that hold 6 ounces each, but if you use a quart of milk that makes them 4 oz. each. But then there's extra room in the cup to stir in jam or whatever. The truth is, a nice little 4 ounce serving of yogurt is usually plenty for me, especially with extra stuff in it. Generally, though, I just like a bit of sugar to take the edge off. I like to use whole milk because it's extra creamy. Yum!

The news story I read today about a traffic accident demolishing part of a major freeway exchange in Oakland reminded me that I don't want to do much commuting when I find a job. I keep seeing interesting-sounding jobs in downtown Seattle, but I know I can't afford to live that close. But I don't like the idea of being dependent on my car for a lot of reasons, and now the reminder that our highways can be fragile is another good reason not to live a bridge away from work.

I have cool friends who are very generous with their time. They came over again on Friday night , took me out to eat, and then stayed up late listening to me talk. It's nice to have people who are empathetic and understanding. Of course, I also bribed them with homemade cheesecake, so maybe that's it. (Just kidding, guys!).

It's Official

My thesis defense is now scheduled for the morning of Thursday, May 10th. I just bought a round-trip ticket to Utah for two days. I'm also already getting extremely nervous and I'm afraid that the next week and a half is going to be filled with visions of myself either wetting my pants or throwing up from terror. Now that would be a good way to make an impression on my committee.

My new love

This afternoon the kids both boycotted their naps, so by 4 o'clock we were all sitting there feeling tired and cranky while staring outside at the damp cold playground. So what else should I decide to do but bundle them in the car and trot off to the grocery store? Yes, sleep deprivation really does bring on insanity. I had never been to Trader Joe's before, but after hearing enough people rave about it I had been thinking about it for a few weeks now. We did need a few things from a store, and I felt embarrassed dropping S-Boogie off at the usual grocery's fun center with a giant swollen lip. Plus the car ride would buy us more time before bedtime and I had to walk up to the car anyway to get the stroller out of the trunk.

After I got there I decided that 5 o'clock is a bad time to take small children to a small, crazy-busy grocery store that I'd never been to before. Well, any time is a bad time to take kids to the store. But once I got in there and started looking around I realized that I was in love. It's the perfect combination for people like me: yummy, healthy food and super cheap prices. Organic mango spread for less than $2.00! Whole wheat couscous for $2.00 a box! A big hunk of Gouda cheese for only $3! It probably helps that I've been shopping at the fancy store for too long, because everything seemed like a fantastic deal. It reminded me a lot of the funky, ghetto state-sponsored grocery store in Spain that pretty much only carries its own brand of products.

By the time we left I had gone way over my budget and acquired several large paper bags of food. I realized my folly when I pulled into my apartment complex and suddenly needed to get three bags of groceries and two small children (and a diaper bag, because I'm insecure enough not to run to the store without supplies) all the way from my car to my house. Luckily I had my stroller in the trunk; I ended up putting the groceries in the stroller because the handles on one of the bags broke. In order to celebrate tonight I gave S-Boogie and Little Dude some cookies for dessert. Yeah, I know, I'm feeding the baby cookies. But they were organic, whole-grain, low-fat cookies that only cost me $2 for a giant container!

Frustration

I just got my first phone call in response to my resume (I've submitted it to about 20 different places now). Unfortunately the dates they wanted to interview are the two days I'm planning to be in Utah for my thesis defense. The lady sounded kind of disappointed--I hope they like me enough to find a better day for an interview and that they call me back. I hate job hunting. Especially since the thesis defense date is not set in stone just yet.

I Can (?) Do Hard Things

This last week was hard, but I made it. Master Fob moved out last Monday. Friday afternoon was the first time I took the kids over to his place. One of the hardest parts of the whole thing was actually getting in our car. We don't have much privacy here and the only way to get everyone and their stuff out to the car was to walk right by the playground where a bunch of women from my ward were sitting around with their kids. And of course they all wanted to know where we were going, since we had suitcases and stuff. I think we just mumbled something and kept going. And then I had to leave the kids at their dad's house and drive away all by myself. I'm really glad that I invited some friends over that night, because it gave me something to do. I love to cook for people, and they repaid my hospitality by listening to me talk for nearly four hours. Saturday I did a bunch of things that are hard to do with kids, like going to the library's annual book sale and deep cleaning the house. But I still got lonely. But I survived. The kids survived. I picked them up this morning and we went to church. I'm learning that action is better than inaction. Last week the primary asked if I could play the piano for them while their regular pianist is on "maternity leave" for a few weeks. I said yes because I love to play and because it seemed like a refuge from the well-meaning questions of other people that I'm not ready to answer yet. Then I started to worry because I had Little Dude with me. But he just sat on the floor behind the piano and played the whole time, and I was glad to be able to serve others, and it was helpful to me to be needed. Everything feels so wrong lately, but I was glad for a chance to do something right for a change.

Meatless Meals for Earth Day

I have a few post ideas rolling around in my head, but decided that I'd go ahead and write up a few of my favorite meatless meal ideas in honor of Earth Day today. I mainly have become mostly meatless due to the fact that meat is expensive, but eating less meat is also a good way to help out the environment.

Middle Eastern Rice and Lentils (Vegetarian Times Complete Cookbook)

1/2 medium onion, chopped
1 tbls. olive oil
1 cup brown rice (has to be brown)
1 tbls. tomato paste
2 1/2 cups water
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 cup lentils
1 tsp. salt
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 cup slivered almonds or pine nuts, toasted

In a large saucepan, sautee the onion in the oil until it is soft (medium heat). Add the rice and cook and stir for a few minutes until it is toasted. Add the water, tomato paste, cinnamon, and lentils. Bring to a boil, then turn down heat, cover, and simmer for 30 minutes. Meanwhile, preheat oven to 350 degrees. Stir the salt, raisins, and nuts into the rice. It should still be a little watery, add 1/4 cup water if it's dry. Place in a greased 9x13 pan, cover with foil, and bake for another 20 to 30 minutes.

Trust me, this is a very tasty recipe. I've served it for several different friends and they have all raved. It's kind of sweet, chewy, and crunchy all at the same time. It goes really well with a hearty salad. I like to serve it with this one:

Greek Salad (Lion House International Recipes)

1/2 head romaine or green leaf lettuce
2-3 tomatoes, quartered
1 cucumber, peeled and sliced
1/2 green bell pepper, sliced
1/4 red onion thinly sliced
6 oz. feta cheese, broken in chunks
Black Kalamata olives (the recipe specifies 16, but I just buy a bunch and throw them in because I like them. You want the really strong olives here)

2 tbls. red wine vinegar
1 clove garlic, minced
1/2 tsp. oregano
1/4 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. pepper
1/4 cup olive oil

Tear the lettuce into bite size pieces and mix together with everything else (you don't have to be super exact, and I personally like to use more lettuce, tomato, and cucumber, because it makes a lot of dressing and I don't like my salad to be too "slimy"). Whisk together the vinegar, garlic, and seasonings, then slowly pour the olive oil in while whisking to combine. Immediately add the dressing to the salad and mix well.

Curried Garbanzos (Originally from Meatless Monday, but I've altered it a little)

1 large onion, coarsely chopped
3-4 cloves garlic, minced
1 tbls. oil
1-2 tsp. curry powder
2 15 oz cans garbanzos (chickpeas), one drained and one not
juice of 1/2 lemon
2 tbls. tomato paste
2 tbls. peanut butter

Saute onion and garlic in oil over medium heat until soft. Add the curry powder and cook for a minute or two until it gets nice and fragrant. Add the garbanzos (including liquid from one can), lemon, and tomato paste. Cook for about 5 minutes. Take out about half the mixture from the pan and puree it in a blender (or if you have a hand blender, stick it in the pan and blend up part of it--you want some garbanzos left whole, but some puree to make the sauce thick). Keep cooking for another five minutes or so, then add the peanut butter and cook just a few more minutes. Serve with rice. This tastes really good with a carrot salad or a nice cucumber/yogurt salad.

Light and Cheesy Broccoli Casserole

1 (10 oz.) pkg. frozen chopped broccoli, thawed & drained
1 c. dairy sour cream
1 c. small-curd cottage cheese
1/2 c. Bisquick baking mix
1/4 c. butter, melted
2 eggs
1 tomato, thinly sliced
1/4 c. grated Parmesan cheese

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease square baking dish, 8 x 8 x 2 inches. Spread broccoli in dish. Beat sour cream, cottage cheese, baking mix, butter and eggs with hand beater 1 minute. Pour over broccoli. Arrange tomato slices on top; sprinkle with Parmesan cheese. Bake until golden brown and knife inserted halfway between center and edge comes out clean, about 30 minutes. Cool 5 minutes.

This one uses dairy products, so it's not as environmentally friendly as other recipes. But it's still pretty dang good (I usually use the light sour cream and light cottage cheese. Don't bake with fat free, though). I also usually just buy fresh broccoli, cut it up, and steam it. But that's just because I'm weird and don't buy frozen veggies. You can also do it without the tomato slices on top and it's still tasty. I generally like to serve this with baked sweet potatoes and either a green salad or a fruit one. My mom made this meal all the time when I was a kid and I love it.

Veggie Quesadillas (from 30 Minutes or Less)

1 tbls. butter
3-4 green onions, chopped
1 cup fresh corn kernels (I often use canned)
1 cup zucchini, diced
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tomato, seeded and chopped
2 tbls. lemon juice
2 tbls. chopped cilantro
8 flour tortillas
1 cup shredded mozzarella, jack, or cheddar (whatever melts and tastes good; I probably usually use more than just a cup)

Melt the butter in a small skillet over medium heat; add onion, corn, zucchini and garlic, saute for 30 seconds. Add tomato and cook for 4 minutes; stir in lemon juice and cilantro (I usually add a little salt too) and cook about 2-3 minutes more. Turn heat down to low to keep mixture warm while making quesadillas. In a larger skillet, warm one tortilla and top with cheese. Add about 1/2 cup of the veggie mixture and then top with another tortilla (I usually sprinkle more cheese on top of the veggies). Cook 3 minutes on the first side, flip and cook another minute or two. Cut them into quarters to serve and top with salsa, sour cream, and/or avocado.

These are really good and great in the summer when all the veggies are in season (although it really doesn't take much of each veggie to make them). I like to eat them with black beans and rice:

Easy Black Beans and Rice

1/2 onion, chopped
1-2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tbls. oil
1 cup long grain rice
1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper (approximate, or add some hot sauce if you have it)
2 cups chicken broth
1 can black beans, drained

Saute the onion and garlic over medium heat for a few minutes in the oil until soft. Add the rice and stir around for a minute or two so it gets nice and toasted (it will turn white). Add the broth, cayenne, and black beans to the pan. Bring to a boil, then turn down heat, cover, and simmer for about 20-30 minutes until the rice is cooked and fluffy.

Blast From the Past

I just set up my new printer/scanner/copy machine. This is the first time I've ever had a scanner, so it's pretty exciting. One of these days I'm going to scan in all my mission photos just so I can write fun posts about them. I'm not sure this file is the highest quality I could get--I need to fiddle around with it some more. But it's still pretty cool. Oh, and that's me and my super cool Spanish companion with the Bolivian family that we taught. The entire family got baptized (I don't know why the dad isn't in the picture) and they are really neat people. I wonder what they're doing now, since I haven't heard from them since I left Madrid.

PS--Don't you love my ugly jumper with the stains on it? It's amazing what you'll wear after having no new clothes for nearly a year. The jumper came from our stock of piso clothes--items left behind by departing missionaries that ended up being community property. At least it was comfortable.

Clueless or Callous?

Today a student walked by me wearing a shirt that said "Don't mess with the crazy person." Either he hasn't been watching the news this week or he's exceptionally rude.

What next?

Right now I'm still trying to find a job; I'm hoping it will be something I enjoy and that I'll want to work at for a while. Or it may not be--things are still a little uncertain at this point. The thing I am realizing, however, is that I need more than a job, I need a career. Yes, I've been working on a master's degree for three years now and that should be able to help me launch a career. It probably will, but I'm not sure what kind of career I want. If I want to teach I should go on to get a PhD. Otherwise I will be teaching community college for the next twenty or thirty years. I should decide by the end of this summer, because the application process can be somewhat involved and difficult and most applications are due in December or early January.

Teaching, especially at a college level, makes a lot of sense. The hours are flexible and definitely more family-friendly than a regular, full-time job. Also, I love ideas. I love being in the classroom and discussing and learning. I'm pretty sure I can get into a good program--my grades are good, I have several presentations and publications already, my GRE scores are great, and my professors love me enough to give me good recommendations. I don't think I'm being arrogant to say that I'm a good candidate for anyone's program. I think I'd even make a decent professor some day; if nothing else, I like to talk. A lot.

At the same time, the idea scares me to death. I don't feel like I'm really that smart, and there are so many things I don't know. I'm also a lazy student--I still leave things to the last minute and then throw together some random theory and turn it in without really critiquing it as much as I should. Plus it would mean another three or four more years of school. And the gruelling task of qualifying exams and writing a dissertation. Then there's the details of probably moving somewhere else to do school (Cornell--not so exciting, Berkeley--maybe, University of Arizona--I think I'd melt).I am also somewhat torn about entering academia--on the one hand ideas excite me, on the other I worry about the somewhat closed nature of academic discourse and whether I want to commit my life's work to such narrow pursuits.

But, like someone wisely told me, the next three or four years will pass whether I'm in school or not. Life will go on, my children will grow up, and I'll be farther down the road. I don't know if I want to be the one in student housing whose obnoxious school-age kids are always beating on the littler ones on the playground, but I also don't want to spend the next twenty years slaving away at a full-time job that doesn't totally fulfill me in the way teaching does. Of course, getting a PhD could finally destroy my last vestiges of self-esteem and sanity. It's so hard to tell. I think I'll see what kind of position I get during the next month and keep thinking about this some more. Dr. Foxy might just be a fun new title to try out...

Birthday Dreams

I just realized that my birthday is coming up in a little over two weeks. It's hard to believe that a year has passed already since last year's big event, and it's even harder to believe that this is my last birthday of my second decade. Next year I hit the big leagues. Yikes! This year I actually have a birthday list; I've decided it's emotionally healthy to start having things that I want or need. I do have wish lists on Amazon with books, movies, music, and a few fun kitchen items. I also don't mind flowers or chocolate either. Any of the following items would be great too:

1. Magazine subscriptions
I get National Geographic and the Church magazines, but I haven't ever gotten anything else. A while ago I got some old issues of Everyday Food and really liked them, so I think a subscription would be fun. I've had a lot of people tell me that Real Simple is even better, so maybe that would be better because then I could have other ideas for my house besides just food. Along those lines, I also like Better Homes and Gardens and Family Fun.

2. A new cookbook
I have a lot of cookbooks, probably too many. But the one I use most is this one. It's my basic, go-to book for everything and I love most of the recipes I've tried. Unfortunately my copy is falling apart. I got it free about 10 years ago, but it's not the binder style and the spine has completely died now.

3. A new yogurt maker
I love homemade yogurt, and it's a great way to save money. But my hand-me-down yogurt maker is dying and I would love a fancy new one like this one.

4. Gift cards or cash for buying new clothes
My wardrobe is very sad right now, especially in the pants department (one pair is too big, one has super glue on it, one has holes in the knees, etc.). I like to get stuff at JC Penney or Target, but I also have cool stores (ie, expensive ones) like Eddie Bauer and The Gap right by my house. Oooh, and if you're thinking gift cards I also live right by Barnes and Noble.

5. A new temple dress
It's been nearly eight years since I first went to the temple. I made myself a dress for the occasion, but I think I used too cheap of fabric because the bodice has become so thin that it's transparent. That's not a good thing. And it's just not as comfortable anymore. I'm not totally sure what I want, though. Probably something simple like this , this, or this.

Fun for Friday: The Big White Envelope

This post over at Times and Seasons led me to a whole new way to waste time: watching video of people opening their mission calls on You Tube. It is, of course, inevitable that people would start using this medium for broadcasting their life milestones, and getting your call really is a milestone. Most people probably only put their video up for friends and family, but it's still fun to watch even if you don't know them. My favorite is this one of two guys from Finland. It's probably not as funny if you speak Finnish, but it made me bust a gut watching them.

It also made me realize that it's been nearly 8 years since I opened my envelope. I don't remember many specifics of the moment; there wasn't a large crowd there and no one was taping it or anything. I spent most of that night and the next day in shock, because I hadn't considered Spain and I didn't know much about the country. But I'm still glad I went and I will always cherish my mission memories.

Acceptance

The Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief may or may not be the best one for describing reactions to major life changes, but I think the final stage of acceptance is critical. I'm still having a hard time with that part, and I know I need to get there so that I can deal with the rest of my life. I keep hoping that one day Master Fob will suddenly turn to me and say "never mind, I don't want to do this". But it's not going to happen; my mind tells me that, but my heart doesn't want to let go of the dream. So far I've gone through denial (some days I'm still there), anger (I've been wanting to throw things, but we own very few dishes and I don't want to clean up the mess; I'm also still there a lot of the time too), bargaining (I'm too embarrassed to admit to alternate solutions I proposed), and depression (where I'm definitely stuck for the moment). But I still haven't reached acceptance. I can see that it will be healthy to be there. Right now I can't even form the words to tell anyone what's happening to me. I'm taking S-Boogie to a play date tomorrow with a friend and I'm already practicing what to say and how to act so that I don't seem "abnormal" (unless they read my blog, then I won't have to worry about it). I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm fighting this change as much as I can, but I'm beginning to realize that fighting it is stupid. I need to give up, admit defeat, and accept what's going on.

Productive

This morning I made a batch of granola, swept and vacuumed the floors, and applied for three different jobs. Then this afternoon I made some chocolate chip cookies as well as a yummy, healthy dinner. And I've taken care of a bunch of random odds and ends throughout the day. Plus the kids both got baths and were in bed asleep by eight o'clock (they both got up at seven this morning so they were pretty tired out). I like to be busy and have things to do; the job search is making me antsy because I have this desire to get my life in order and to be doing something. My thesis is more or less done and it is now in the hands of my committee to schedule a defense date (reminder to self: do some emailing on that one). I know it will take a little time to find myself a good job, but I've been spending a lot of time looking around and finding some good possibilities. In the meantime, I should just relax and enjoy my free time because I won't get very many more days like today in the future. Now if I could only get the weather to warm up so we can play outside...

Reading Roundup: March

I've been wanting to start this book review thing since the beginning of the year, but I keep forgetting about it. This is mainly so that I remember what I've been reading, since it all tends to blend together into mush in my brain. But I also love to share books with others so I thought it would be fun to let everyone know what's been on my mind lately.

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

This was the perfect book for a road trip: light, humorous, and broken down into small-ish sections. It was also laugh-out-loud hilarious in several spots. Even though he is crude at times and sometimes the hyperbole bothers me, when I'm in the right mood David Sedaris will literally cause me to hyperventilate with glee.

Death in Yellowstone by Lee Whittlesey

I plucked this off the Thteed family bookshelf after vaguely remembering it from a National Parks gift shop. It was fascinating; the details about bear attacks were particularly gruesome. It had the unfortunate effect of making me want to stay far, far away from nature in any form. Well, not really, but it reminded me why they call it the wilderness.

Girl with a Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier

I figured that a book on clearance for a dollar couldn't be all that bad, especially since I love historical fiction and I love Vermeer (I did stand in line for four hours outside the National Gallery to see his paintings in person). It turned out to be quite good and made a nice companion piece to several other novels with similar premises that I've read in recent years. I feel myself writing a syllabus for a future comp lit course on books about paintings...

Word Freak by Stefan Fastis

The subjects in this book are some of the weirdest people I've ever run across. Think about the cast of Waiting for Guffman, only they really exist. But it's a lot of fun to read and very enlightening. It also made me really want to go play some Scrabble.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

I finally got around to reading this in the car somewhere between Utah and Wyoming. Even though I thought that many of the twists of the plot were rather conventional, the writing was still strong and the story was compelling. I didn't expect to like it as much as I did, and now I wish I could read more about Afghanistan.

Another Conversation with S-Boogie

SB: Look Mommy, it's getting dark. Soon the sun will eat his dinner, put on his pajamas, and brush his teeth and go to bed.

Me: What does the sun eat for dinner?

SB: Sun food!

Me: What's sun food?

SB: Hmmm... Sun macaroni and cheese!

The Plan

I have been away from home for over three weeks now and I'm anxious to get settled down somewhere. My original plan had been to stay in Utah for a little while and then go back up to Seattle if it didn't feel right or things weren't working out. Then when I got here I decided to just stay and look for jobs. Now I've changed my mind again and I'm going back up to Seattle. I feel like this is the right decision. I've prayed, pondered, received a priesthood blessing, and gone to the temple. And I watched all four sessions of conference and really listened to the Spirit speaking to me rather than the speakers. After studying it out in my mind I realized the following things: I like the climate and the culture of the Northwest, the job market is better for the kinds of careers I want, and my children will be closer to their father. I will be farther away from family and some of my friends, but I'm trusting my mind and my heart on this one.

I'm a little nervous about going back to pretending like my life is normal. We live in a fairly closed community in our little apartment complex and a number of ward members are my neighbors. The bishop and Relief Society president know what's going on, but I don't feel like telling the entire ward. Master Fob is looking for a new apartment, and I will find one when I get a job. I think I will just keep a low profile and I'm sure most people won't notice that he is not around as much. The truth is, as much as people seem to mind other people's business, most people don't really notice what's happening in the lives of others. If I need help with babysitting I know I have it and I don't have to give reasons. I'm also a little nervous about how S-Boogie will feel because we already withdrew her from her school since we weren't sure what we were doing. I'll make sure we do lots of fun things during this time to make make up for that.

My first priority will be to get a job. I'm expanding my search to areas within a few hours of Seattle, since the cost of living is cheaper outside of the city. I am applying for a teaching position at a nearby community college, but they don't need anyone until next January, so I need something immediate. I'm a little nervous because my resume isn't very full and I haven't even worked at all for two years now. Here in Utah I applied for four jobs, interviewed for two, and got hired by none. The last time I had to find a job I ended up interviewing about fifteen times, and that was just trying to find student employment on campus. I hope things go a little better this time around. I am going to give myself a few weeks to look for the "ideal" jobs before I start going for the less than ideal ones. I need something soon, but I'm not too desperate yet. I guess I just have to keep acting on faith--it's what's gotten me this far in life.

Little Dude's ER Adventure

On Monday afternoon Little Dude woke up from his nap feeling quite hot. I took his temperature and it was a toasty 102 degrees. So I gave him some Tylenol and called the free nurse hot line that our insurance company has. The nurse reassured me that, while his temperature was a little high, without any other obvious symptoms he'd probably be all right. He seemed fine for the rest of the evening and went to bed easily. Then around nine he woke up crying and shaky. His temperature was up to 102.4 and he just didn't seem to feel good at all. I also noticed that his knees seemed kind of red and swollen and he flinched when I touched them. That's when the paranoid mommy sense kicked in and I started to get worried, because I'd read about kids with weird symptoms that suddenly died from infections. My brother-in-law called a neighbor to help give Little Dude a blessing and I also gave him some Tylenol. After waiting a little while more, I decided to take him to the doctor just to make sure everything was all right.

By this point in the night the only real option was the emergency room. And of course by the time we got there he had perked up and was happy and wiggly again. Plus his fever went down to only 99. But the doctor checked him out and said it was good to notice his knees, because they were inflamed. So were his throat and his tonsils. Luckily his heart sounded fine. The doctor explained that sometimes bacteria from infections, especially the throat, can enter the bloodstream and end up in places like the knees or hips. Or even worse, the heart or kidneys. They used to call it rheumatic fever back in the day. Because of the inflammation, the doctor wanted a complete blood workup as well as a urine sample.

At this point I started to feel bad for the poor nurse on duty. She looked visually upset that she had to somehow extract both blood and urine from this little, wiggly baby. I honestly wasn't that impressed with her at all--I think she was new on the job and had a hard time pretending she wasn't. At least urine samples for little babies aren't really too weird--they have a little bag that tapes over his apparatus and then you just wait for it to fill up. Unfortunately, Little Dude refused to pee for the entire two-and-a-half hours we were in the ER, so I had to take him home and put him to bed with a plastic bag taped to his bottom (under the diaper) and then pour the pee into a container the next morning and bring it in to the lab. Fun.

The blood sample was even worse. That was the point when I began to long for Seattle Children's Hospital and nurses who are experienced sticking needles into little tiny veins. The poor nurse had to try two different times--once in Little Dude's hand and another time in his elbow. When she was finished and his little arm was mostly covered with bandages, he sat there looking sadly at the bandages making angry faces and trying to pick them off with his other hand. But they got some blood and a throat swab and determined that he didn't have strep A or sepsis. We got a shot of antibiotic, a prescription for liquid medicine for the next week, and came home at 2:30 in the morning.

Little Dude is feeling a bit better today. His fever has gone down and his knees aren't very swollen any more. He is still fussy when he eats and drinks and I've been a little worried about his fluid intake. He didn't sleep well last night at all; I thought it was just his throat bugging him until I woke up this morning and changed his diaper. He had some very dried-on poop and a red, angry-looking rash all over his bottom. No wonder he didn't want to sleep--I feel bad for not changing his diaper during the night, but I didn't smell anything. I guess my paranoid mommy sense doesn't work so well when I'm feeling sleep deprived.

What I haven't been blogging about

I feel like I haven't been posting much lately. It's not just because I'm on vacation. For the last month everything has been really crazy in my life. The problem is, we're getting divorced.

I haven't said much on the blog yet, but it's getting to the point where I can't really post much that would make sense without some background. And I'm tired of pretending like everything is fine when it's not. I'll try not to turn this into a forum to vent my feelings; that's why I have a journal. Most of my close friends and family already know, but like I said, I need to be able to post again.

I've been here in Utah for the past two weeks now. My original plan was to stay here and get a job. It's cheaper here and I'm closer to family and friends. But I feel like my heart is softening and all I've been able to think about for the last few days are my children. Little Dude hasn't seemed to notice too much, but S-Boogie is sad, angry and has started peeing her pants again. They need to be closer to their daddy, and he has to stay in Washington for at least another year for school. So I think I'm going to go back up there this weekend (Master Fob is already flying down for Easter, so we'll just drive back up together). I'm scared about the higher cost of living, but I think I can make it work. Also, after two weeks here, I'm beginning to remember why I left in the first place. I think I fit in Washington better. I just don't have a big support network there yet, but I'm hopeful that I can find one. My goal is to make a decision today; I'm trying to find some time to get away to the temple and make a final decision. It's hard because my mind isn't very clear since I was up until 3 AM with Little Dude at the ER (another post for another time--he's got bad tonsillitis and a general bacterial infection).

So yeah, that's what's going on. I wasn't sure if I was going to enable comments, but I think I will. For what it's worth, the decision has been made, so please be kind. You all are also free to email me if you have anything to say.