Today's Lesson on Eternal Marriage

A few weeks ago I received a call asking me to substitute teach in Relief Society today. I don't think I've ever taught Relief Society before, even though I've always wanted to. The lesson was from the Gospel Principles manual and was about Eternal Marriage. As I told the sisters today, when I teach I usually just like to prepare an outline with a lot of questions, and get them to run the discussion. That's how today's lesson went and I think it went well. Afterwards several people mentioned that they liked the lesson quite a lot, and I thought it was interesting that one person specifically mentioned liking the fact that I explicitly encouraged comments because she didn't feel like she was 'interrupting me'. Some people asked me to post my lesson, and the truth is I didn't have much beyond an outline, but I will put it here.

“All of us women have an image of the ideal family—a marriage in the temple to an active priesthood holder, and children who are obedient and faithful. But President Ezra Taft Benson has pointed out that only 14 percent of American households in 1980 match the traditional image of a family—working husband, full-time mother with children still in the home. Reliable statistics indicate that only one out of five LDS families in the United States have a husband and wife married in the temple with children in their home. As Elder M. Russell Ballard has already reminded us, there is great diversity in LDS homes. But all of these homes can be righteous homes where individuals love each other, love the Lord, and strengthen each other. Let me give you an example. Here are two quilts. Both are handmade, beautiful, and delightful to snuggle down in or wrap around a grandchild. Now look at this quilt. It’s a Hawaiian quilt with a strong, predictable pattern. We can look at half of the quilt and predict what the other half looks like. Sometimes our lives seem patterned, predictable in happy ways, in order. Now look at this second quilt. This style is called a crazy quilt. Some pieces are the same color, but no two pieces are the same size. They’re odd shapes. They come together at odd angles. This is an unpredictable quilt. Sometimes our lives are unpredictable, unpatterned, not neat or well-ordered. Well, there’s not one right way to be a quilt as long as the pieces are stitched together firmly. Both of these quilts will keep us warm and cozy. Both are beautiful and made with love. There’s not just one right way to be a Mormon woman, either, as long as we are firmly grounded in faith in the Savior, make and keep covenants, live the commandments, and work together in charity.” (Chieko Okazaki, “Strength in the Savior” General Conference October 1993)

I started the lesson with an explanation that I know this topic can sometimes be painful for people because they don't feel like they live up to an ideal. I gave some examples (in general terms) of different life situations among people I know. I also read this quote from Sister Okazaki and explained that I felt the purpose of the lesson was to gain a testimony of the principle of eternal marriage, which is something that anyone can have, whether they are currently married or not.

I then asked the question: What would you say to someone who asked you, "why should I get married? What's the point of getting married?"

We had several good comments about some of the benefits of marriage, such as friendship and companionship, opportunities for personal growth, and stability for children.

Adam and Eve were married by God before there was any death in the world. They had an eternal marriage. They taught the law of eternal marriage to their children and their children’s children. As the years passed, wickedness entered the hearts of the people and the authority to perform this sacred ordinance was taken from the earth. Through the Restoration of the gospel, eternal marriage has been restored to earth.

But to Latter-day Saints, marriage is much more. Our exaltation depends on marriage, along with other principles and ordinances, such as faith, repentance, baptism, and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. We believe that marriage is the most sacred relationship that can exist between a man and a woman. This sacred relationship affects our happiness now and in the eternities.

I read this part from the manual and we talked briefly about why Adam and Eve were married by God, even before they left the garden and even when there really wasn't any sort of 'societal' reason to do so. After that I asked the question from the manual:

Why is it important to know that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God?

I got some interesting comments on this question. One woman talked about how she had a family member who had been living with a boyfriend, and whom other family members had encouraged to get married. She was wondering what the big deal was, but as she prayed about it she felt promptings from God that their getting married was a good thing. She mentioned that she really felt that experience helped her gain a testimony of marriage itself as a principle from God. Another woman talked about research she had read on the fact that having a religious reason to stay married tended to reduce divorce and to produce more stable families and children. A third person talked about joining the church after she and her husband had been married for about a year. They weren't in a hurry to get married in the temple right away, but after taking the temple prep classes and gaining an understanding of the gospel they both felt strong promptings to go to the temple to be sealed. I particularly liked both this comment and the first one, because I really wanted this lesson to come back to the Spirit and gaining a testimony of gospel principles. I also really liked the fact that the third commenter bore her testimony that 'the temple covenants are real and bring real blessings.'

At this point I wanted to switch the discussion a little, so I asked about what we can do to strengthen our own marriages now. I read this quote from Marlin K. Jensen:

“Friendship is also a vital and wonderful part of courtship and marriage. A relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship. Nothing is more inspiring in today’s world of easily dissolved marriages than to observe a husband and wife quietly appreciating and enjoying each other’s friendship year in and year out as they experience together the blessings and trials of mortality.” (Marlin K. Jensen “Friendship: A Gospel Principle” (April 1999)

We had a few comments on ways to be friends with our husbands, and then I used that to segue into teaching youth about marriage. I wish we had had more time for this part of the discussion because it got interesting.

Two women mentioned having their marriages end in divorce and the effects that had on their children and their attitude about the gospel. Two other sisters mentioned that they worried about girls just having unrealistic expectations and expecting life to just 'magically happen' to them as they got older, and about how often youth place too much focus on physical attraction in choosing a spouse. I tied those comments together by talking about how I hope all my children can grow up being their own people and having confidence in themselves as individuals. I mentioned again that sometimes marriage doesn't work out the way we want it to, but if we have a strong foundation of personal revelation and gospel living we can be strong no matter what our circumstances. I also reminded women that they can make and keep temple covenants on their own, without being married or having an active husband.

Right before the end of class we had a few comments from women about the struggle to determine how much to intervene in the lives of their children. One mother shared an experience of watching a child marry someone who was not really the best fit for them. She had counseled her child against the marriage, but it happened anyway. She said that their life has been hard, but both her child and spouse have grown so much in the marriage that she realized that as a mother the best gift she gave her child was the opportunity to struggle and grow. At that point we had to end the lesson, but I ended with my testimony that marriage has been a good opportunity for me to grow in many ways, and that I know that marriage is a principle ordained by God.

I hope this made sense; it's hard for me to remember what was said, but I think it was a good lesson.

Reading Roundup: July 2011

The Way He Lived by Emily Wing Smith

I picked up this book because I wanted to see what a nationally-published YA book by a Mormon author, about Mormon teens, was like. It was pretty good and I thought the religious and cultural elements were worked into the narrative quite well. I was left feeling a little unsatisfied by the fact that the plot was not very strong and there wasn't much of a resolution in the end.

I Don't Want to Kill You by Dan Wells

This book left me feeling very satisfied and I thought it was a great end to the series. The author thought up some great new twists and I was hooked until the end. Part of me wishes there were more books about John Wayne Cleaver, but part of me is glad there aren't so I don't have to read about any more horrible ways for people to die.

Rescue by Anita Shreve

I tried this book because the plot sounded interesting. It was, but I thought all the characters were flat and stereotypical, and their motivations were not very clear in the story.

The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok

This memoir was really fascinating, and as much about Bartok's experience as the child of a schizophrenic as about her mother. I thought that she really exhibited a lot of compassion and understanding towards her mother, despite all of the difficult things she went through in her life.

Alma the Younger by H.B. Moore

I think that this book has been my favorite out of all the books in this series. I was surprised by how contemporary many of the questions and issues faced by the characters were, despite the ancient setting. I was really impressed by how the author brings out the complexity in a story that often feels fairly straightforward. All of these books have really been enjoyable to read as novels as well as a way to think about stories from the Book of Mormon in a new way.

Blindsight by Robin Cook

I read this book because I needed to read a thriller. I thought I might like Robin Cook because I like medical stuff and forensics, but the writing in this book was terrible and I figured out the entire plot about forty pages into the book. Maybe some of Cook's writing is better, but this is certainly not one of his best.

The Fear: Robert Mugabe and the Martyrdom of Zimbabwe by Peter Godwin

This is a book that took me a long time to read because I had to keep putting it down to take a break from the things it describes. I really loved Godwin's memoir from a few years ago, and while this was a good book, it does not flow as easily nor does it have a strong central plot. However, it is still an important book and a well-written one that reports on events that have largely been ignored by the rest of the world so I would still recommend reading it.

Ammon by H.B. Moore

This was just as good as any of Moore's other books, but I felt that this one did not have as many complex questions in it as some of her others. The characterization of Ammon is very interesting and she does explore some new angles in his story, but I felt like the book was more of a romantic suspense story than I like.

I'd Know You Anywhere by Laura Lippman

This was the book that I expected to be more suspenseful, when instead it turned out to be more of an exploration in psychology. I thought it was really fascinating, even though I never really understood the motivations of the protagonist even by the end of the book.

Lost City Radio by Daniel Alarcon

I thought this was a challenging read. The author takes a chance by using really artful prose, fragmented chronology, and vague descriptions in this book about violence and oppression. There were some passages that really struck me as brilliant, but the story overall did not impress me as much as I had wanted it to.

Movies

Undertow

This movie is surprising; it is not a straightforward love story, or a straightforward coming out story either. I thought it was an excellent example of telling a somewhat universal story from within the context of a unique place and culture. The acting was excellent and when it ended I really wanted to see more of the characters and their story.

The Dentist and Me (A Parable of Sorts)

In May I went to the dentist for the first time in about five years. Yes, I know I should have gone more regularly in the past. I have a lot of excuses, including some good ones like the moving around we have done and the occasional lack of dental insurance. I didn't think that skipping the dentist would be a big deal because I've had good teeth for most of my life. I also floss and brush every day and I don't drink soda, coffee, or tea.

Well, after spending a very long time in the dentist's chair that day I learned a few things. I had several small cavities between my teeth. I also had to endure a deep cleaning of my teeth and gums to get off the stuff that had built up during my years without regular cleanings. Apparently I have been experiencing both periodontitis and gum recession. The dentist sent me away with special medicinal mouthwash and an appointment in a few weeks to fill my cavities. The appointment for my fillings was definitely the worst experience I've had in a while. About an hour into it I decided that I'd rather have another c-section than spend two hours reclined back in a chair with my mouth propped open while two people dig around in it.

Last month I went back for another follow-up about my gums and some more cleaning. I'm switching to a sensitive toothpaste and I've been trying to avoid crunchy and sticky foods because my whole mouth feels sore right now. Apparently the soreness is normal and will resolve itself as my gums heal, but I might always have some sensitivity in my teeth. I have another appointment in six weeks to see how things are progressing.

After my first appointment when I learned about all the things wrong with my mouth, I felt really depressed for a while. It wasn't even the cost or hassle of the dental treatment, it was the fact that I felt like I had failed. Why didn't I have 'good teeth' any more? Yes, I'd been somewhat neglectful by not going to the dentist, but they told me that a lot of what has happened in my mouth has simply been the effects of getting older, having children, and having my body change. I realized that I felt bad about my mouth because I had spent a long time assuming that I was just the kind of person who had good teeth. The problem with that thinking is that when my teeth had problems, I assumed that changed what kind of person I was. I was one of 'those people' who had to have dental work because they weren't 'good'. It seems silly now that I have processed the feelings and made them conscious, but I'm glad I noticed my thought process and realized what some of my unconscious biases were. I'm also learning that maybe mouthwash isn't so bad after all.

50 States: The Next Four

We actually did all these states a while ago but for some reason I didn't actually publish the post. Oops.

Delaware: We learned some interesting facts about this state and read about Native Americans and food webs. For dinner we had some really tasty chicken and dumplings.

Florida: There are a lot of fun and interesting books about Florida, especially the wildlife there. We read about manatees, the Keys, and the Everglades (I didn't know it was technically a river). For dinner we had orange-glazed shrimp with black beans and rice. We also watched the movie Flipper and ate some key-lime cake for dessert.

Georgia: We learned that P is for Peach (and many other facts) and colored the flag. The kids really liked this book about the Okeefenokee Swamp and we read it a number of times. For dinner I decided to have a somewhat eclectic Southern-style meal, so we had hoppin' john, roasted sweet potatoes, biscuits, coleslaw, and peaches (of course).

Hawaii: We talked about Hawaii a few days before we left on vacation. We have a number of books from Hawaii already at our house but I checked out a few more from the library. I particularly liked Hula Lullaby, but the kids preferred this one because the story was in Hawaiian and English. I also checked out this book for S-Boogie to read and I liked that she asked a lot of questions about it while we were in Hawaii. It was a good introduction to Hawaiian history for her. For dinner we had pork katsu with rice and macaroni salad on the side, as well as some fried spring rolls and cut up mango.