Yellow Wallpaper

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien I read The Lord of the Rings for the first time a few years ago, but had never read The Hobbit . I read it this time planning to read the series again. I still haven't started it, and I hate to say that this book killed my enthusiasm a little. It was all right, but not really my favorite and not nearly as compelling as the rest of the series was. I guess it's time for a reread in order to remember what I liked so much. Manhood for Amateurs by Michael Chabon I'm not a man or a father but I still enjoyed this book quite a lot. It's a series of essays about a variety of topics, some related to parenthood and others related to life in general. I thought it was a lot of fun to read and even laughed out loud in a few spots. Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay In an interview in the back of the book the author mentions that she particularly likes the novel Rebecca for its elements of the g othic as well as its exploration of how the past in...

Did February sneak up on anyone else? I can't believe that Monday is already February. I've always liked it better than January because it's shorter and because it contains Valentine's Day. I love Valentine's Day; this year I don't have any big plans since I will have a ten-day-old baby. I hope Mr. Fob is planning to pamper me (hint, hint). Last June February seemed so far away, and yet now it feels like I've been pregnant forever. I can't remember what it was like to be able to bend down. I vaguely remember my 'real clothes'. I don't think the writhing and kicking in my belly are very cute anymore. This time around I have actually felt pretty good while pregnant, but I hit the wall a few weeks ago. Suddenly I feel huge and grumpy and just plain 'done'. I mostly writing this post to remind myself that there was a reason why I wanted to actually have the baby. Because I know in a week or two I'm going to be exhausted, sore, leaky, ...

Last week we finally closed on the house; yes, we've been living here for three weeks now and thought we were going to close much more quickly. It has been a long and weird saga and none of us understand why the seller's bank felt such a need to make things difficult. But now Mr. Fob and I are the proud owners of our very own home and a mortgage that looks pretty daunting from this point of view (seeing 2040 on several papers kind of freaked me out a bit--hopefully we'll pay it off sooner than that). The only thing that has kept me going has been the assurance that this is the right place for us. I really don't know how to explain it any more than that; this whole time I've had a feeling that we are supposed to live here for some reason, and that somehow things would work out. It wasn't just the house itself, though it is perfect for us. I've had some doubts because it is pretty big. The family that owned it for a long time had 10 children; we only have thr...

Little Dude lately is in the throes of that preschool stage where they want to do everything themselves. Generally this works out well, because at three-and-a-half he is pretty capable. He loves to help me unload the dishwasher, do the laundry, set the table, and many other tasks around the house. Being the worrywart and perfectionist that I am, I know I respond too anxiously sometimes and want to jump in too frequently to 'fix' things. The other night we were having pancakes, and he naturally wanted to put butter and syrup on his own. Usually I help him cut, so after watching him hacking away at his pancake I asked "can I help you with that?" He looked up at me and replied very sincerely: "I'm doing a good job, Mom!" My heart melted; yes, he was doing fine and I should be careful not to be so hasty to jump in and imply that his efforts aren't good enough.

I think it's very easy for most of us to think of things that we aren't very good at. For a lot of reasons there is a human tendency to play down our accomplishments and to focus on the negative. There can be good reasons for this, because no one likes a narcissist, and because humility helps us see the things we can improve on. Lately, though, I keep feeling like I've been blessed with the ability to see ways in which I've made progress in my life. Sometimes I think it's good to take time to acknowledge ways in which we're doing well. Here are a few things I've recognized today: As I grow as a mother I really do have days when I feel like "hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this" (of course they're always followed by those days that are humbling in the worst way). This morning we got up and went to Church as usual; during Sacrament meeting Little Dude was particularly whiny and clingy and kept wanting to sit on my (nonexistent) lap. Afte...

That's how much more time I have until my c-section date. Up until last week or so, I'd actually been feeling pretty good. I don't know if it was the end of the holidays or what, but suddenly I feel very done with being pregnant. The baby seems to have had a growth spurt and my belly feels huge. Things like putting on clothes, rolling over in bed, getting up from chairs, bending, and even breathing are difficult. Plus I've actually had some contractions, not something I experienced a lot of with my other two kids. Today I had appointments with both my therapist and my OB. Mentally things are going well and we talked about strategies to keep them that way. I'm grateful to know that I've got support in case my brain gets weird again, but I'm also grateful that my life is in a much better place this time around. Even if I do end up with an emergency delivery again this time it will probably not be quite so traumatic to my brain. My other appointment also went ...

(Here are 2008 and 2007 ) In 2009 I read 80 books; this is slightly more than 2008 and slightly less than 2007. I was in school for half the year, but many of my classes used novels, and I still did some 'fun' reading on the side. I read 54 fiction books and only 26 nonfiction; it felt to me like I had read more fiction this year than in the past. Looking at my previous posts, that is certainly the case; during the last two years I've kept track it's usually been more evenly divided. I'm sure that part of this is due to the nature of my classes during the first half of the year; literature programs generally concentrate more on fiction and narrative than nonfiction (although we did do some memoir). 49 books were by men and only 31 by women. Not sure if there's a really good reason for this not; in 2007 women greatly outnumbered men and last year they were evenly divided. Who knows. We'll have to see how 2010 shakes out. Once again I didn't do a great j...

I love the conversational aspect of blogging and consider my readers, even if I haven't met you in person, to be my friends. In that spirit, I'm asking for some advice today (I'm sure I've done this before). First of all, I'm trying to decide if I should by an ERGO baby carrier . They're pricey , but I've heard from a lot of people that they are worth the money; I could probably find the money to buy one, but worry that it would be another baby item that just sits around without getting a lot of use. With each of my two babies I've been earnestly trying to give babywearing a try. I loathe carrying around the carseat (and really physically can't for the first two months or so), and babies are too little to sit up in a shopping cart or stroller for several months at least. I've tried two different slings and have pretty much relegated them to Mr. Fob. I'm pretty short and have a short torso, but with Little Dude we had a Snugli -type carrier ...

Last Tuesday I came home from an appointment and Mr. Fob greeted me by asking 'what's the happiest news I could give you right now?' I guessed, correctly, that it had something to do with our house. The seller's bank finally did whatever it was they needed to do for us to close on it, so we scheduled closing and moving. Since we were anxious to move and we had time off for the holiday we made plans to move last Friday. This was probably one of our craziest moves yet, though not as bad as the time we suddenly had to switch apartments due to water damage a few years ago. We spent most of Thursday packing what we could. Mr. Fob's sister was awesome and helped us out for most of the day as well. I avoided lifting anything but still ended up completely exhausted for the entire weekend. I tried getting in touch with our home teachers on Thursday and wasn't able to, so reluctantly had to call Friday morning to tell them we were moving within a few hours. Amazingly we h...

The first few books here are ones that I forgot to write down in November for some reason . A Death in Brazil by Peter Robb This book caught my eye on the library shelf so I picked it up without knowing anything about it. It turned out to be a strange combination of memoir and history book; the style is rambling and sometime it's hard to tell what happened when, and to whom. It took me a while to get through it, and in the end I mostly enjoyed it although it wasn't necessarily my favorite book. The Midwife's Tale by Gretchen Moran Laskas This was a quick and interesting read, but in the end I did not feel fully satisfied. Though it is well-written and I was drawn into the story and the characters, it ultimately felt just like many other books I've read that are set in Appalachia. I liked it but did not like the derivative feeling. Fire Lover by Joseph Wambaugh I don't read very many 'true crime' books, but this one caught my eye because it was about ars...

Mr. Fob and I both agree: this year was a good Christmas. It was nice to not go anywhere and to just enjoy some time with family and friends. We've also been overwhelmed with generous gifts and I'm excited because the kids really like everything they got from everyone. Yesterday we spent the day making and decorating gingerbread cookies, and then we drove around delivering them to friends and caroling. We had meant to get out earlier in the day, but we were lazy and didn't finish up until evening. Thankfully we still caught a few people at home and were able to sing to them. This morning the kids slept until about 7:30 and then got us up to unwrap presents. They got quite a lot of nice things this year. We got S-Boogie a Barbie house and Little Dude a firetruck and some racing cars. They also got some books from us and from Grandma and Grandpa (my parents). Their books from my mom included matching stuffed animals, plus she got them some fun puzzle games from the 'teach...

We only did three countries that start with B; we did Barbados because we have a family connection there, so I suppose if we do this another time we could try Belgium, Bhutan, Bangladesh, Botswana, or any of the other "B" countries we left out. Barbados: We just read a few books that we could find at the library, colored the flag, and ate some fish with macaroni pie. They eat a lot of fish there; I 'cheated' and baked some pre-breaded fish fillets from Costco. I did make a fresh mango salsa for the grownups that was tasty, and I used a very yummy family recipe for the macaroni pie (it's kind of like baked macaroni and cheese). Bolivia: We also just read a few books and colored the flag. I tried a recipe for 'picante de pollo', which is basically a stewed chicken dish, but I must have bought the wrong peppers because it wasn't very spicy at all. We served it with some boiled potatoes and quinoa. Brazil: The library had a lot of interesting books about ...

I had my first meeting with my new therapist today and it went really well. I think that this time it might actually work, and I hope so because I'm sick of not feeling like myself. Obviously part of the problem is the pregnancy, but I haven't been coping well with things for a few years. It felt really good to have someone say "your life is stressful and has been for several years and I'm impressed that you're coping as well as you are." I was really worried about going in and worried that the diagnostic sheet would show that there was nothing wrong with me. I'll admit that I'm pretty good at deflecting help and pretending that things are fine (just call me 'stiff upper lip'). Thankfully my brain really is under stress and there are reasons why I'm acting so crazy; that means that we can do something to fix them. He said he'd rather hold off on medication for a while, and preferably until after I have the baby because we'd end up a...

I haven't posted since Wednesday night, and that was a downer of a post. The reason why I haven't been posting is because I don't want to keep writing things like that. And I know part of the problem is simply the fact that I'm 32 weeks pregnant, tired, and hormonal. Today I finally sat down and emailed a therapist that a friend recommended; I don't want this blog to degenerate into what it was a few years ago. Even more importantly, I don't want to get that crazy again without recognizing it and getting help. This time around I think Mr. Fob is a lot less patient with my alternating bouts of anger and crying meltdowns. The truth is, I'm not so patient with them either. This has been a rough week for all of us. Last weekend the kids both came down with pinkeye, though I'm pretty sure it was not the viral kind and just a bad coincidence. Little Dude spent most of the week battling a bad sinus infection, including complications like the pinkeye and bloody ...

18 degrees should not be a high temperature. It really shouldn't. And children should not get conjunctivitis, even though we're trapped in the house due to the snow. They really shouldn't develop stomach pain and a fever along with their pinkeye that mean Mommy has to take them to after-hours at the pediatrician at eight o'clock at night. Because that means driving around while various signs say it's either 11 degrees, 5 degrees, or 8 degrees. That's just wrong. Hopefully today my vow to never leave the house will be fulfilled. Especially since I couldn't sleep last night because it was too cold.

I'm realizing that one reason to have more than one child is to keep yourself humble. Everything that worked well with the first one will inevitably fail miserably with the second. We're having that problem with potty training. S-Boogie was, frankly, a breeze to potty train. We put it off until she was a little older than three, then one day announced we were switching to underwear. After a few days she really got it and after that we were more or less accident-free. The end. We tried to use the same approach for Little Dude. A few months ago we bought him some underwear (he'd been wearing pull-ups for a while and we'd been talking about potty training, so he decided it was time for underwear). I could tell that physically he wasn't quite ready since it took longer for him to figure out when he needed to go and to get to the potty in time. After two months, though, I'm realizing that the problem is no longer physical but psychological. Today we were discussing u...

...is to be in our new house! Well, and a million dollars. Seriously, though, I'm only writing a post with my Christmas list for the benefit of the few readers out there who are already thinking of buying me a present. Didn't know where else to put it, so I apologize to everyone else for my self-indulgent post. Chocolate--I always like chocolate, preferably dark. I like Sees chocolates, Ghiradelli squares, or basically anything tasty and good quality. Or Ritter Sport bars with cookie in them. Gift cards for Target or Ikea --I've got bad nesting urges going right now, plus we're moving into a new home. A sewing machine--speaking of crafty urges, I'd love to get back into sewing again. Subscription for Irreantum or the New Yorker Money for a massage, pedicure, or a new haircut Diapers (not for me, for the occupant of my uterus who will be exiting soon) I've also been thinking about family gifts and I think money for S-Boogie to take dance classes, a swimming po...

Yesterday morning I decided it was time for another trip to DI with Little Dude. I love thrift store shopping and have done it for years; some days it's a total bust and other days it's a gold mine. Thankfully yesterday was a good day and I got a lot of useful things: two new maternity shirts for me (warm ones, thank goodness), pants for Little Dude, a crib bumper, size 6 snow pants that are black so they can be passed down through several kids of either gender, and a bunch of books to give the kids for Christmas. I got a big pile of Magic School Bus books for S-Boogie. Personally I hate reading those out loud, but she loves them and is just starting to figure out reading on her own so I'm hoping they'll help her practice. That means our Christmas shopping is almost done since we're keeping things fairly simple this year for the sake of our budget. One of the main reasons I went to DI yesterday was to buy myself some new pajama pants. Mine have developed a big hole...

Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo, and I almost made it except for totally forgetting yesterday. Oops. I'm sure no one minded; it's been a long month and it will probably be nice to get a little break from my ranting and raving. By the way, if anyone knows of a good therapist in Utah County and would like to recommend someone, write a comment or shoot me an email. I'm starting to feel a little pre-partum craziness and think I should get on board before baby gets here and I'm too paralyzed by hormones to fix myself. I also think part of the problem I'm having is sleep deprivation. Every time I sit down on my couch I fall asleep. And then my children go nuts and I wake up grouchy and disoriented. Not fun. I feel much more fatigued this pregnancy than I did with the other two; thankfully I haven't had quite so much hip pain this time around. The good news for today is that I am now 30 weeks pregnant. I like this because I'm not going to make it to 40, so it...

Bright Earth: Art and the Invention of Color by Philip Ball I have long been interested in art and so I found this book to be quite interesting. It was a bit difficult to read at times because it got very technical, so if you have more exposure to science it would probably be more readable for you. It is also a book that requires a lot of close attention and I don't have that opportunity much these days. Nevertheless, it was a good read and full of fun tidbits about paints and painting. The Help by Kathryn Stockett I have mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand, it is very well-written and I can see why it is generating so much buzz. I had a hard time putting it down once I started reading it, and the three main characters that tell the story are all well-written and very compelling. On the other hand, I always feel a little discomfort reading black dialect written by contemporary white women. I felt the same way about The Secret Life of Bees ; it was a good story but a li...