I've been feeling a bit melancholy the last few days. It's the kind of thing where there isn't a logical explanation for it, and I've been having a lot of really great experiences too so there's not an obvious external cause. I think it's just a combination of the usual monthly hormonal fluctuations, the stresses of adjusting to a new job, and the fact that I have the hardest time making sleep a priority for myself (that's a constant theme here, isn't it?).
First of all, the new job is great. I felt like taking my last job didn't make a lot of sense logically, but it felt right. This job made much more sense for me logically, but I wasn't feeling a strong prompting about it like I did last time. However, since being in my new position for the last two weeks I have really come to see that this is a great job for me in many ways, and I have also seen the ways in which my previous job and other experiences have prepared me for it. The first little while of learning a new job is really difficult, no matter how great the work environment and the people are. There are so many processes and things to remember and so many people to meet. I'm a creature of habit and routine so I know it's going to take a while for my system to calm down and not feel so freaked out all the time by everything that is new.
Second of all, I've realized that spring is always going to be an emotionally difficult time for me. I'm not totally sure why that is, exactly. My birthday is the first week of May, usually followed closely by Mother's Day. May is the last month of school and a time of big transitions for everyone. During my marriage we were both in school for much of that time, and spring was always a time of change, plus Mr. Fob and I started dating in May. Yesterday I had a busy day--in the morning I went to a brunch sponsored by the Activity Day girls, then in the afternoon there was a bridal shower for my cousin, and then in the evening I attended the banquet for the Whitney Awards. All of those things were a lot of fun and it was a great day; at the same time, the fun is always tinged with a bit of sadness. I miss having Saturdays be family time, I miss having someone to go to events with me, and while I sincerely appreciate S-Boogie's Mother's Day gratitude that I work hard to support our family, I miss my old life when I didn't have to work and I had more time to dedicate to my family.
At the same time, I recognize that I can't ever go back to that life again. My life has changed and I have to keep moving forward and working with what I've got; all of us do. On Friday I went and saw The Great Gatsby; it was a mediocre movie at best, but the themes have really stuck with me. Gatsby has a troubled relationship with the nature of time. On the one hand, he thinks that if he does the right things he can just pick up his relationship with Daisy right where they left off five years previously, never imagining that she has changed (or that he has for that matter). He wants a relationship with the Daisy he knew five years ago, but she doesn't exist anymore. On the other hand, he wants other aspects of his past to disappear and for people to know him only in the present and to avoiding looking too closely at who he was in the past and how he got to the point where he is today. He wants Daisy from the past to have a relationship with Gatsby from the present/future, but that just isn't possible.
This time of year is hard because it is so easy for past, present, and future possibilities to get all tangled up. Many women I know struggle with Mother's Day because of difficulties they have in their relationships with their own mothers, their own children, their expectations of themselves, and others' expectations for them. It's easy to get wrapped up in what we wish we had done, or what we think others should have done, or what we think the past means, or what we want the future to be. I know I have the tendency sometimes in my parenting to worry so much about the future for my kids that I let those anxieties get in the way of what I am doing with them right now. I know I also sometimes worry so much about the injustices of my past, both those that were my fault and those that weren't, that it can be hard to be fully present in my life right now. I'm trying to work on overcoming both of these flaws. I'm grateful that I know so many good people who set an example for me--to end I'm going to link to three powerful blog posts that have really touched my heart the last few days (since they say things much better than I ever do):
Say What You Need to Say by Josh Weed
My Inner Voice by Michelle L.
When we both disappoint each other, and try to love anyway by Lisa
Once again, this month I only read Whitney finalists except for one book for my book club. I read all the finalists in the adult fiction categories and I'm curious to see how the awards turn out this year.
Tres Leches Cupcakes by Josi Kilpack
I have really enjoyed reading Kilpack's culinary mysteries. Sadie is a fun character and Kilpack's writing is polished and engaging, making these the perfect books to curl up and escape with for a few hours. I didn't like this one as much as Banana Split because I felt like the mystery wasn't very clear for most of the book and I felt like Sadie didn't have a very clearly defined character arc.
Code Word by Traci Hunter Abramson
The Saint Squad books by Abramson are also great for a fun little escape for a few hours. The writing isn't unique in any way and I could guess the plot of this book from the first few pages, but it wasn't a bad read at all.
Deadly Undertakings by Gregg Luke
The best I can say about this book is that the writing is much more polished than Luke's book last year and there weren't so many distracting typos and factual errors. The protagonists were also much more realistic and interesting, but the villain was just as over-the-top and ridiculous as his last book. I find it distracting that most of the book seems like a fairly realistic mystery, up until you get to a villain who is so outlandish in his methods and behavior that he seems like he should be on a cartoon.
Dancing on Broken Glass by Ka Hancock
This book was one of my favorites out of all the Whitney finalists I read. It's also published by a national publisher and only contains a little bit of LDS content that is somewhat tangential to the story. The plot will probably turn a lot of people off because it is so maudlin, but I thought Hancock managed to pull it off pretty well. This is not a simplistic book with easy answers for the characters and the reader. Both her main characters are complex and very human, and the setting and supporting characters were equally compelling.
A Night on Moon Hill by Tanya Parker Mills
I was really impressed by all the general fiction finalists this year. This was another book that showcased complex writing, sympathetic characters, and interesting questions throughout the plot. The ending felt a little out of tone with the rest of the book; it felt as though the author had to add some extra conflict into the story instead of the resolution arising out of the events portrayed in the book. I can see how some people might not like this book because it deals with some difficult issues, and the main character is a woman who most likely has Asperger's Syndrome and is not every sympathetic or easy to relate too.
The Rent Collector by Camron Wright
This is the book I thought I wasn't going to like. On the surface it seemed like it was just going to be another inspirational novel, where the plot and characters were derivative stereotypes that exist only to advance a particular agenda. I was also wary of the use of poverty-stricken characters from a third-world country in a moralistic novel--the stereotype of wise, happy people living in poverty needs to be banished forever. I also didn't like the first-person narration because it felt a little unnatural and veered a little too close to telling rather than showing. However, after a while I became really lost in the story and found myself enjoying this book despite my hang-ups. I took a step back and viewed it more as a fable or allegory and really liked it a lot. I particularly liked the way the author wove in literature and history throughout the book.
The Hollow City by Dan Wells
I don't normally read very much speculative fiction, and this book was pretty weird, especially as it got to the end. I also thought the concept was better than the execution; the story felt oddly anticlimactic and seemed to drag in places--I think the unreliable narrator was almost too unreliable at times. However, compared to all the other books in the category this was the most well-written and the most readable so it was easy to vote for it as my favorite.
Flight from Blithmore by Jacob Gowans
This book was not bad, but it was also not very good. Mostly it was boring; the main characters all blended together a bit and the 'hero' of the story didn't ever act very heroic. Unfortunately there are quite a few other epic fantasy series to compare something like this to, and compared to any of them this book doesn't come close.
Earthbound by Theresa Sneed
This book has the dubious distinction of being my least-favorite of all the finalists. In fact, I had to resist the temptation to throw it against the wall instead of finishing it. First of all, it creates a vision of the pre-earth spirit world as more or less a giant high school where everyone is obsessed with sports, relationships, clothes, and class. Second, the protagonist was just plain irritating. She was attracted to one guy, who was obviously a good guy, but every time he tried to talk to her she just pushed him away or acted like she didn't want him. Then, when the other guy came along that she didn't like and who was obviously the bad guy, she completely went along with whatever he wanted. For the entire book--she never seemed to change or grow or mature in anyway. Plus the writing really felt very derivative of Twilight, right down to the crazy ball game.
The Penitent by C. David Belt
This was another book that I just wanted to throw away instead of reading. First of all, the narrative voice was confusing and difficult to read. Also, the world-building was confusing as well and the actions and motivations of the characters were difficult to understand.
City of the Saints by D.J. Butler
Steampunk is not something I have read a lot of or had much interest in, but I really had a good time reading this book. I have a feeling that not many people will like this one, based on the language, the violence, and the irreverent look at certain people from Church history, but I thought it was fun.
The Solace of Leaving Early by Haven Kimmel
This was my only non-Whitney book this month since we read this for my book club. It is the kind of book that grows on you slowly; I think I want to read it again some time now that I know how it ends so I can focus more on the writing instead of just the plot.
1. Disbelief
A few weeks ago I decided to randomly look around at possible library jobs in my area. I do that sometimes; I have only been in my current job for a year and was planning on staying longer, but I am always curious about what is available out there. Weird, I know. I saw a job listed at the other university library (not the one I work at). It was in an area of the library that I had not ever worked in before and I wasn't sure if my experience would be applicable, but the pay scale was better and it looked like it was something that would be interesting and that I would be good at. I filled out the application online and then got called in for an interview the next week.
I felt like the interview went well; I used to be pretty bad at interviews, but I have gotten a lot better as the years have gone by. It also helps that I have been doing some interviewing at my current job so now I have a better perspective on what works well and what doesn't. I interviewed on a Wednesday and they told me I should hear back from them some time early in the next week. That Friday I heard from one of my references that she had been contacted by them and I started to get excited. Then, I didn't hear anything at all for the next week and assumed that I didn't get the job after all.
Well, then my phone rang this past Tuesday morning and I recognized the number. I still thought I was getting a courtesy call turning me down; instead, they offered me the job and a higher salary than I had expected.
2. Excitement
First of all, I was really excited. It feels really good to know that my hard work and my experience has been validated by someone picking me to work for them. From my experience with the interview, it seems like a good place to work, and this particular university is where I have always wanted to have a job someday. I spent a lot of time running around telling everyone that I got a new job and was super excited about it.
3. Guilt
I do feel a little bit of guilt about leaving my old job. I'm sure this is natural with any transition. I had planned on staying there for a while and there are projects that I'm leaving unfinished. I'm trying my best to pass stuff off to other people and hope it will eventually get picked up again. I'm confident this is the right move for me, but still worry a little about the stuff I'm leaving behind.
4. Anxiety
Right now I mostly feel anxiety about the new job. First there are the usual worries about performance--did I oversell myself in the interview? Can I really do what they need me to do? Am I the right fit for the office and the work environment? And then the worries about learning something new, being the new person and not knowing anyone's names, messing stuff up because I don't know what I'm doing.
The schedule for this new position is also different and it is a bit further from my house as well. Right now I have somewhat flexible hours and I can get from my house to my desk in as little as 15 minutes. Neither of those things are true at my new job; that doesn't make it a bad thing, but I have to make some adjustments to my schedule and to our childcare arrangements. The good news is that I won't have anymore weekend or evening work, but I also won't have any days where I go in to work later in the day so my mornings are going to get even crazier. Plus the week I need to start my new job is the week when Mr. Fob is going to be out of town so childcare feels particularly stressful at the moment.
I have faith that everything will work out; right now it seems somewhat unreal. A few weeks ago I was planning on being in my current position for a while and enjoying the fact that after a year I was really feeling settled in. I felt like I should take a leap, and I'm glad I did, but it will be a little while until I find my footing again.
Last weekend we went down to Vegas to visit my parents for a few days. The kids had Spring Break, and since I had to take time off work to be with them anyway I thought a trip would be fun. It mostly went well; we listened to a Harry Potter audiobook during the drive that kept everyone entertained. The weather was warm and sunny, but not horribly hot yet. Spending a few days in the warm sunshine was great for everyone, though it made the cold and snow here in Utah a bit more unbearable after we got back. Since this is a good time of year for being outside there, we took advantage and spent a lot of time doing nature-related activities.
One day we went to Springs Preserve and spent hours in the museum there learning all about the history and ecology of the desert. It was a lot of fun; the kids could have spent all day in the museum I'm sure. The next day we drove out to Red Rocks and spent time at the visitor center learning even more about the desert, then did some hiking and found different types of rocks and discussed their properties (igneous, metamorphic, and sedimentary). So if you're going to Vegas in the spring or fall, I'd recommend either of these places for curious kids. Springs Preserve has enough indoor things that you'd probably be OK there in the summer too. We also spent some time in the pool and hot tub (the pool was still pretty cold but the kids were mostly unfazed by that) and one night my parents took me out to eat at a super tasty, super pricey Spanish restaurant. It was a good trip. Every time we go on a little trip like this I remember why I like travelling so much. I hope my kids grow up with good memories of going places and learning new things.
We watched Conference for most of the sessions, except the Sunday afternoon one because we were driving home. I need to go back and re-read or watch the talks again; I feel like that's the best way for me to really understand them and take them in. But, I did come away feeling re-energized and more committed to greater spirituality in my life. I've been coasting for a while and I need to do better. This weekend I decided to try fasting again--I honestly haven't fasted for a long time. Years, probably (I know!). I have afternoon church and often spend Sunday mornings preparing food. I don't feel bad about this--cooking relaxes me and I like to listen to nice music while I do that. This weekend instead I put together some enchiladas last night and stuck them in the fridge and made our FHE treat as well (we do it Sunday night). Then this morning I didn't even have to go in the kitchen at all; I think that really helped. Honestly, I didn't experience any sort of great spiritual outpouring. That's partly due to the fact that I didn't make a huge effort besides skipping meals; I think if I were to really focus more next time and try harder, things might change. But, I'm proud of myself for at least making the effort to try and get back on the bandwagon. Small, simple things are the way to make big changes. I will try some of the same things next month and see how it works out.
Somehow I didn't get around to publishing my reading roundup in February on time, so I decided to save it and do both months together. Almost all of the books I've read during the last two months have been finalists for the Whitney Awards. I have a few more to read during the next month so you'll be seeing some more reviews of those next time.
If I Lie by Corrine Jackson
This was an interesting book, even though I figured out the complication in the plot fairly early on during my reading. The main character was almost just a bit too unpleasant for me, but her prickliness was understandable given the circumstances. Mostly, I liked it and thought it was a good, quick YA read.
Shadowed by Stephanie Black
I thought I'd be proactive and read this before the Whitney finalists were announced, since Black has been a finalist for most of the last few years. Then after I read the book I realized that she wasn't eligible this year. Oops. I actually thought this book was one of the weaker ones I've read by her. I felt like most of the plot was advanced through dialogue; rather than actually doing stuff and finding things out for herself, the protagonist just spent a lot of time talking to people and having them tell her things. That didn't really work for me. At least it was a quick read.
My Loving Vigil Keeping by Carla Kelly
I have really fallen in love with Carla Kelly and her writing. Her books are always filled with rich historical detail, unique and interesting characters, and solid writing. This book was no exception; my only complaint with it was that the ending felt both rushed and incomplete. I think that's because the ending hinges on a major disaster and there really wasn't a good way to write about it. On the one hand, I wanted more details; on the other, I didn't want to know about how many of the characters I'd come to know had been killed. It felt like there might be a sequel in the works and I really hope there is.
Smart Move by Melanie Jacobsen
Jacobsen is another author that I really enjoy reading. I still think that both her books published in 2011 were better than the two published in 2012. I liked the fact that in this book the conflict between the protagonists was complicated by both personal issues and work loyalties. I'm still not sure I understood all the legal ins-and-outs of the work issues, but I did have fun reading the book anyways.
The Innocents by Francesca Segal
I thought it was a nice break to read a nationally-published novel in the middle of all the Whitney finalists. This was the perfect sort of book--I think it may be one of my favorite novels of the year. It is based on Wharton's The Age of Innocence, but set in contemporary London among a community of Jews. I think I actually enjoyed it more once I stopped trying to find all the parallels between Wharton's novel and this one--I think the author did a great job updating the story and retelling it, but the book is just as readable if you haven't read Wharton's work. There is a moment of revelation later in the book that parallels the one in Wharton, and was just as unexpected and powerful.
Of Grace and Chocolate by Krista Lynne Jensen
This book is in the Romance category in the Whitneys, but it would fit just as easily in the Suspense category. I wasn't really expecting that. On the one hand, I liked that this book covered some darker stuff and didn't give easy answers to some of the characters' problems. On the other hand, the action, and particularly the romance, felt rushed and unrealistic for the amount of time given, plus some of the characters really weren't well-developed.
Paige by Annette Lyon
I found this book interesting--I haven't read any of the others in the series but might now that I have gotten to now the characters through this book. I feel like I don't have a lot to say about this book--it wasn't bad, but it didn't blow my mind either. There were also some parts that were a little painfully close to my own personal situation and recent divorce; I might have enjoyed it a little more if it didn't hit so close to home.
Lady Outlaw by Stacey Henrie
I thought the cover and the title of this book seemed a little cheesy; thankfully the writing actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I thought it was interesting twist on the historical romance, with the woman as the 'bad' character that needed to be 'tamed', even though there were enough mitigating circumstances given that the protagonist ended up being portrayed more as a victim of her life situation than an actor in her own life.
Espionage by A.L. Sowards
I wrote a little bit about this book over at the AML blog last month. I didn't dislike this book--the plot was interesting and the writing was polished and easy to read. But, I mostly just felt like it was somewhat flat and boring. It could have been better.
Within the Dark Hills by Sian Ann Bessey
I felt pretty much the same way about this book as I did about Espionage--it wasn't bad and had some interesting ideas in it, but it was also a little boring. Too much straight-forward, exposition heavy third-person storytelling.
The 13th Day of Christmas by Jason Wright
I really don't like didactic, inspirational fiction that is written just to make you 'feel good'--what that usually means is a book with a plot based on some sort of horrible life tragedy that can be overcome through inspirational platitudes. That basically describes this book, and most Jason Wright books I've read, but I actually enjoyed it a lot after reading several somewhat boring books. At least Wright can create unique characters and has a particular voice in his writing that makes it fun to read.
Line of Fire by Rachel Nunes
I haven't read any of the other books in this series, but am not sure if that would have helped me enjoy this book more or not. The writing was clunky and the characters were odd and difficult to understand. Not one of my favorites.
The Five Books of Jesus by James Goldberg
I'm still deciding how I feel about this book; that's usually a good sign--at least that the writing has been complex enough to make me think about it two weeks after reading it. On the one hand, I liked the writing style a lot; I really felt immersed in the world of the book. Paradoxically, I felt sometimes like the main character was somehow removed from me as a reader; I did not feel an emotional connection to Jesus like I had thought I would. The book also reminded me that it's been a long time since I last studied the New Testament and that I need to do that. I think I would like to re-read this book in the future when I'm not so pressed for time and in the middle of reading so many other books.
Reached by Ally Condie
I had read mixed reviews of this book, but loved the rest of the series (especially the first book) and wanted to finish it out. (This is not a Whitney finalist--I just happened to get it from the library and needed to read it before it was due.) I liked this book a lot; it was different from many similar types of books since it has a slower pace and focused more on what can happen after a revolution rather than what it takes to get there. Two other things I really like about Condie's writing are her use of poetry and exploration of ideas of creativity and communication, as well as her poetic use of words and descriptions.
Banana Split by Josi Kilpack
Although I've been meaning to start reading this mystery series for a while, I never got around to it. This was such an enjoyable book I might go back and take the time to read the rest of them. Sadie is a spunky, fun character and the writing is really solid. I liked all the delicious recipes too.
Spinster's Folly by Marsha Ward
This one really had me wondering how it managed to make it to the finals in the Whitney Awards, especially since I can think of several great historical novels published during the last year that didn't make the cut. The writing was really all over the place in its tone and word choice, the main characters were unpleasant and their actions incomprehensible, and I had to force myself to finish it.
Movies
Argo
I don't think this movie should have won the Oscar, but it was still quite enjoyable. I don't like Ben Affleck much and I still liked him in this.
There Will be Blood
Stylistically, this is a great movie. However, if you're looking for something to make you feel happier or to have a great payoff in the end, this is not the movie for you.
OK, folks, I've got a bad case of the tomorrows. Every day I think "tomorrow I will eat better" or "tomorrow I will start exercising" or "tomorrow I'll clean out the closets" or "tomorrow I'll write in my journal" or "tomorrow I'll teach the kids how to cook and create a chore chart" or "tomorrow I'll write a decent blog post." I have yet to figure out when tomorrow is coming, because it hasn't happened yet. Anyone got good ideas for getting out of a procrastination rut?
Just when you start to forget what short sleeves and bare feet feel like, you wake up one day and realize that the sun is shining and the air feels clear and warm(er). I can tell that I have overcome my California childhood and acclimated to Utah because the temperatures have been in the 50s lately and I have stopped wearing socks. Well, until today when winter weather came back and I got my coat out again. Spring in Utah is pretty fickle.
Last week was Spring Break at the university I work for; what that meant for me was the execution of a rather big project. We have a satellite campus that is about 45 minutes away, and last week we needed to inventory and relabel all the books that are in the small campus library branch. There were about 10,000 books total, so each day two of my coworkers and I drove up with several students and spent about six hours a day re-labelling books. It was an adventure and a lot of hard work, but mostly went smoothly. That took us through Thursday and then everything on campus was closed on Friday.
Friday wasn't actually much of a day off because I still had to get up early to send the kids off to school. Then Friday afternoon I had an appointment at the dentist. Last month at my check-up they had noticed some decay on one of my molars and decided that I was going to need a crown on that tooth. This is my first crown and I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, that particular tooth has been giving me a hard time for a while. It has an older filling, and even though they tried fixing about a year ago it has still resulted in some pain. I don't really want to get a crown, but if it reduces the sensitivity and means I can chew more easily, then I will go with it. So I spent two hours at the dentist on Friday afternoon and came home with a sore mouth. I thought it wouldn't be a good day, but I had put some potato soup in the crockpot that morning and we ate it for dinner then watched Tangled together before bed.
This week has been somewhat good and bad so far. I've still been having some pain in my tooth with the temporary crown it. Life and work have been crazy busy. I still don't eat well or sleep enough. Maybe someday I'll have something more interesting to say on this blog besides the fact that I'm still alive, still hanging in there, and still spending way too much time on the internet.
