Yellow Wallpaper

Today in Sunday School we were discussing a few chapters in the Book of Mormon. They describe the missionary visit of Alma and Amulek to the apostate Zoramites, who had separated themselves from the rest of the Church and set up new worship rituals meant to aggrandize themselves above others. As Alma was teaching, he was approached by a group of people who were poor and had been forbidden from worshipping because their clothing and outward appearance did not fit the standards of the ruling class. As we went through the chapters that described what Alma and Amulek taught them, I realized that what Alma was primarily trying to get them to do was to change their self-theory, or the way they viewed themselves and their place in the worship process. The scriptures describe this group as being 'poor in spirit', which can be a good thing when it equates to being humble and teachable. However, they were also 'poor in spirit' because they had a poor idea of their spiritual agenc...

I'll be honest and say that going to church for the last little while has been hard. I've been tired and stressed, and even though I like 9 o'clock in the morning as a starting time, we've ended up with 9 o'clock for several years in a row now through moving and I'm kind of tired of it (yes I'll change my mind in January when we start at 1:00). We stayed out too late on Saturday and I just didn't feel like getting there yesterday morning. Then we got to the meeting late and found it was completely packed with visitors. I found us a few seats on the back row and we squeezed in. The first meeting was hot and uncomfortable, and then Sunday School was moderately successful except for the fact that I can't hold a Bible and a squirmy baby at the same time. Besides the fact that the kids love Primary, I also mainly went because I like my job playing the piano for Relief Society. This week the opening song was "The Lord is My Light", and as I start...

Today I gave a talk in sacrament meeting; it was an interesting experience. I have not given a talk for a few years and I actually didn't really feel like it. Pregnancy hormones also leave me feeling kind of vulnerable and insecure and so I just didn't feel like public speaking. But I'm glad I did it because I learned a lot while writing and researching the talk. I was third on the program after two other women from the ward, both in the 'young mother' category like me. The first one immediately burst into tears and proceeded to cry off and on throughout the rest of her talk, the second one was also quite emotional during hers. I actually felt pretty self-conscious because not only did I not cry during my talk (yes pregnancy makes me weepy, but I try really hard not to be weepy in public because I get embarrassed by it), but I also took a more analytical, scripture-based approach to the topic. That's just the way I do things. I don't usually write out my ent...

A few weeks ago I read an interesting article about parents who forget and leave their children in the car. It was a horrible article to read, but fascinating at the same time. Several things stood out to me from it. First of all, a demographic survey reveals no common link between any of the parents that do this. They are all over the map, and even include parents that have gone through great time and expense to adopt children. It's certainly not a case of neglect or an absence of love. The article pointed out that these parents are often vilified in the media or by law enforcement (in many cases they are arrested and charged with neglect or even manslaughter). The writer theorized that the reason for our visceral reaction to this phenomena is the fact that in our subconscious we are afraid that we could be that normal parent who just forgets, and to escape that fear we must demonize them and turn them into the 'Other', some kind of non-human monster. Another, related poin...

This past week marks ten years since I went to the temple for the first time and received my endowment . For most of my life I remember wondering about the temple because I had heard so much about it from other people. My mother went regularly and was a good example to me of faithfulness in attending. During the last few years I haven't been so great at going to the temple. It's been more of a challenge with my busy schedule and the distance (although both those things are poor excuses). I've decided to commit to going more frequently once we move, and I'm trying to decide on a reasonable goal. Every two weeks seems like a lot, every month seems like a little. I think I'll see how I feel in the upcoming months as well. I guess my testimony of the temple is mostly based on how I feel when I leave. It's a place to spend some time away from the rest of the world and commune with God, to get a handle on who I really am and to focus on what I can do to live a better ...

I have loved this picture since I first saw it in my freshman art history class. It comes from the Isenheim Altarpiece by Matthias Grunewald, which was painted for a monastery and hospital. The painting of the crucifixion shows Christ as weak and sick, covered in horrible sores. Then, he rises whole and clean and powerful from the tomb. I love the colors of this painting and I love the composition, with the soldiers on the ground and the large yellow aura surrounding Christ. It also reminds me of one of my favorite hymns by Parley P. Pratt, which is a study in contrasts as well: Jesus, once of humble birth, Now in glory comes to earth. Once he suffered grief and pain; Now he comes on earth to reign. Now he comes on earth to reign. Once a meek and lowly lamb, Now the Lord, the great I Am. Once upon the cross he bowed, Now the chariot is his cloud. Now the chariot is his cloud. Once he groaned in blood and tears; Now in glory He appears. Once rejected by his own, Now their King he shall...

When I started blogging a few years ago, FoxyJ seemed like a perfectly decent pseudonym--cute and fun, kind of like myself. But then I started meeting people in person and having to say it out loud ; there seems to be something a bit embarrassing about calling yourself 'foxy' in person. I hope that most people realize that at least a bit of irony is involved in the name. I had another great opportunity to meet people and make more connections yesterday at the Sunstone conference. I came home exhausted from travelling and from spending all day listening to and conversing with other people, but it was the positive exhaustion of energy spent on good things. I'm glad I chose to go down Friday night and spend some time with my friend Skylark; she was generous in allowing me to stay at her apartment and talk her ear off, and it was a much-needed break from my regular routine. The conference was also a fabulous experience; I attended sessions on a variety of topics and came away...

This morning the kids got up early (like six o'clock) so we were all ready by nine (we don't start church until 11). I decided to kill some time by making cranberry orange muffins. I finished baking the treats and was prepared to sit down and enjoy a tasty snack with my kids, until they both started howling in protest. "We don't want muffins. I want my own snack. Muffins are messy!" (I think the 'messy' thing was just a ploy to get out of eating a muffin). S-Boogie sat down to eat a granola bar while giving the muffins dirty looks. I felt disappointed because I thought I was giving the kids a special surprise, and they just plain didn't want it. Well, it was mainly S-Boogie who didn't want it and Little Dude just followed along with her. I realized after a little while that her distress wasn't so much the fact that I had made muffins but that she is going through a very independent phase right now (well, she has been for most of her life). She...

This morning I had a few extra minutes before church, so I sat down to read the Ensign from last conference. I opened to President Eyring's talk about unity . It turned out to be just the message I needed: I've got to be more humble and "see a difference in someone else not as a source of irritation but as a contribution." Then I got to sacrament meeting and we sang one of my favorite hymns, "Reverently and Meekly Now". The third verse starts: "Bid thy heart all strife to cease/With thy brethren be at peace." And then the bishop got up and said "I'd like to urge everyone to read President Eyring's talk about unity from the last conference." I had been praying about how to handle my new calling, and I know realize that I've been doing it all wrong. I've been going into it trying to figure out how I can help and how I can do such an amazing job and fix all the problems that are out there. But I've been called to help ...

Tonight I decided to use up the turkey broth sitting in my fridge and make some soup. I also decided to make some homemade noodles to go with it. I'd never made homemade noodles before, but I got out the cookbook, read the instructions, and made some tasty noodles. As I was in the middle of cooking them, I suddenly realized that I was doing something I'd never done before. And I wasn't freaking out about it or anything. There are so many times in my life when I think "I can't do this" or "I don't know what to do because I've never done this before." And yet I have full confidence that I can pick up a cookbook, read through a recipe, and make something. When it comes to cooking I also don't put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect (most of the time); I'm OK with experimenting and even making mistakes. I'm not like that in many other areas of my life. I imagine a lot of it comes with simple practice. I've been cooking for a...

I realized today that it has been a while since I've written a svithe . Thinking about recent events and other things going on in my life, the following thought came to my mind: "by proving contraries, truth is made manifest." I knew it was from Joseph Smith, but I first encountered it in an essay by Eugene England. In this essay, England discusses Joseph Smith as an archetypal tragic hero (in the literary sense of the phrase). To quote England: "Tragic man, the subject of our greatest literature, unwilling to rest with simplistic and thus secure conceptions of the universe, pushes at the paradoxes his mind and experience uncover." I found a rereading of this essay comforting. Recently I keep finding myself wanting to retreat into some sort of fantasy world where everything is neatly laid out for me. Where good and evil are obvious and where my choices would not only be clear, they wouldn't hurt anyone I love. A place where people speak in love and understa...

Two years ago I woke up on Memorial Day in the hospital. The night before, my water had broken and I'd rushed to the hospital to have a baby three weeks early. I know I've already written about Little Dude's birth on here, and I probably talk about it way too much, but I think it will always be one of those life-defining moments for me. Today in church we were talking about the temple, and one of the things mentioned was that the temple is a place to learn more about the mysteries of God. We often think that the mysteries of God are the big things, like the location of Kolob , but we also have our own personal mysteries. God's mercy and help in Little Dude's birth will always be a mystery to me, especially since I know people who have lost babies in similar circumstances. I don't know why his life was spared, or mine, especially when there is so much suffering in the world. So on Memorial Day I ponder all the mysteries in my life--my friends and family members...

I've been thinking lately about identity and the way people see us, and how we see them. This was partly inspired by reading a friend's blog who was talking about how she teaches piano students and arranges music and things like that. I realized that most people who have known me for the last few years would probably not think of me as a musician, or even musical. Yet all through high school I thought of myself as "musical" and it was an important aspect of my identity. I was in band for the first two years of high school and I also played the piano. I played for Young Women's as well as for extra things like baptisms, enrichment nights, etc. I also spent nearly a year playing piano for sacrament meeting in the Spanish-speaking ward that shared our building. For a few years I planned and coordinated an annual sacrament meeting program that the Young Women put on (it was modelled on the Primary program with musical numbers and talks). I also loved playing piano sol...

I've been thinking about fear lately. It seems like there is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, both in the world in general and in our particular situation this year. The other day I was randomly reading the blog of a friend-of-a-friend and she wrote about a dream she had. In her dream, she and her husband went to a store to buy food and the only thing on the shelf was a bag of rice. It cost three-hundred dollars, but they bought it because that was the only thing available. Reading that filled my heart with fear and I've been thinking about it ever since. Sudden inflation is a reality in many countries around the world, and it could certainly happen to us here in the US. For years I thought of food storage as primarily something to have on hand for disasters and emergencies. During the last few years I've really seen the wisdom of stocking up in order to "shop from your pantry" for meals. Generally we have a fair amount of food on hand and, as I've p...

One day when I was still a relatively new missionary we stopped by a member's home for some reason. Her neighbor was visiting, so we talked with her for a while about our missions and about the church. She said something to us that I had heard before from people, but the pain on her face as she spoke has really stuck in my mind. She told us that she could never talk to God or feel good about herself because she was such an abject sinner. After all, when God came to the Earth we rejected him and crucified him instead of worshiping him. Having grown up in the Church, I had never looked at Christ's life in that way before. I had been raised with the idea that Christ voluntarily gave his life for us; even though the crucifixion was horrible, it was part of the plan and it allowed us the opportunity to return to God. I've often thought about this woman and wished I could somehow give her more of the feeling of hope that I have in the love of God for me and for all of us as His c...

The first thing on my agenda in Davis was a lunch with some of the current graduate students. One of them asked me a question about my last name and my heritage, to which I replied that it was my husband's last name. That got me some fairly strange looks. Then there was the fact that I didn't order coffee after lunch with all of them. And then there was the awkwardness (more than once during the last few days) of trying to explain why I lived in Spain for over a year and didn't see any movies, go to any plays, or study at the university. Oh, and the fact that I don't drink wine and even though I'm not quite thirty I have been married for almost seven years and have two kids. Man, I am such a weirdo. I lived in Utah for so long that I became very comfortable in not having people think some of the things I do are strange. It was challenging this week to be back in an area where people questioned my choices and I had to explain "I'm a Mormon" (yeah, I kno...

This is one of the Cherry Cheescake Cupcakes I made for our ward dinner last night. They turned out pretty good and I thought they looked great too. They also got me thinking about pride, because while I was making the cupcakes I kept thinking about how I was making the coolest dessert for the party and that everyone would be talking about how wonderful and unique it was. I will admit that I did think of making the cupcakes because I like cheesecake and they are a festive dessert. But I also wanted to make them because they are impressive and I wanted to be noticed and praised by others. I've done this other times; I've realized that sometimes when I prepare meals for people I try hard to think of something unique and special that will make them think of me as a fabulous cook. My motives are often mixed, and I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way. While I was in the MTC, the mother of one of my companions sent laminated copies of President Benson's tal...

Yesterday in Sacrament meeting one of the speakers asked, "Do you have a testimony of the resurrection?" I thought that was interesting, given the various things that have been happening in my life during the last few years. I also realized that this is one thing we really have to rely on faith and the Spirit to understand, since it's not going to happen for us to see and it won't happen to us directly for a while just yet. Also yesterday we went visiting teaching and taught a lesson about the purpose of our mortal life and the plan of salvation. Then I came home and got on the internet and found out that President Hinckley had passed away. I guess my thoughts of mortality and death were appropriate after all. I can remember clearly finding out that President Benson had passed away. I was working at Taco Bell near my house and had stopped off after my shift to see my mom at the laundromat where she was washing my family's clothes. She told me that the prophet had ...

The other day a friend and I were talking about Christmas and she remarked "I've always thought of Christmas as a women's holiday, since it's about birth." She does have a point; although I think parenting is and should be an equal-opportunity responsibility, pregnancy and childbirth are still exclusively women's work. Last Sunday in my sister-in-law's ward I had the opportunity to listen to a fascinating talk on the spiritual symbolism of birth. The woman giving the talk works as a doula and she drew many interesting parallels between birth and gospel principles. For example, she talks about Christ's statement in Gethsemane as being similar to the transition statement ("I can't go on") that many women make during labor when they are needing extra support for the final push. I also liked the fact that she mentioned that she always felt that we did Mary a disservice by viewing the birth of Christ as something clean and sanitized. Mary is a...

Today I am thankful for church. Despite my post earlier about toddler trauma, I enjoy going every week. There's a reason why I keep showing up, and some weeks that reason is more clear than others. Today was a nice change for me. Mr. Fob came so we could watch S-Boogie in the Primary program. Ours was surprisingly uneventful, but very sweet and spiritual. S-Boogie declared "to be close to Jesus we say family prayer every night" clearly and loudly into the microphone, and I could see her singing almost every song (usually just the first verse, then she'd lose interest). After sacrament meeting Mr. Fob took Little Dude home with him because he was a bit too snotty and tired for nursery. I used that opportunity to stop by the stake offices and finish the interview process for my new recommend. I had a sweet little chat with a member of the stake presidency that I hadn't met before but who managed to provide some comfort and insight into my life. Then in Relief Societ...