Yellow Wallpaper

Yesterday I was going to write a blog post about how tired I have been feeling this summer. Physically tired, emotionally tired, mentally tired. Just tired. My yard has giant brown spots on it and my flowerbeds are sprouting weeds that are taller than I am. The garden has been a total bust due to my neglect and the only things still surviving are the pumpkin vines and the tomato plants. I haven't cleaned the bathrooms for about two months, there are piles of papers and books all over the house, and I'm at least four weeks behind on the reading for my class (at least all my assignments have been turned in on time). I have 10 shirts in my closet that haven't been worn for 2 months because I can't bring myself to iron them. I've been in a slump for a while--as evidenced by the dark circles under my eyes, the massive amounts of books I've been reading, and my inability to make simple decisions or to email people back about things.  When I was on my trip to Portlan...

I started this blog nine years ago, back when I lived in a two-bedroom apartment that didn't have any air conditioning, I was in grad school, and I only had a two-year-old. Since then I 've gained two more children, finished my degree, lived in two other states before coming back to Utah, found a full-time career and started a new graduate degree, lost my mind a few times, got my sanity back a few more times, and lost my marriage. It's been an interesting ride and I'm not even sure if I've got anyone else still reading what I post.  I've posted quite a few times about blogging , why I started a blog, my feelings about blogging, and why I keep at it. Back when I started this whole thing, blogging was the new, exciting thing to do. Facebook, and Twitter weren't around yet, and even smartphones and the ubiquity of texting weren't that big. YouTube wasn't here, and most 'viral' stuff was shared through emails. Communication has changed a lot du...

One thing I don't like about myself is that my brain has this weird panic reaction when plans change or things don't go as I had expected they would. I know what you're thinking--isn't that how life is every day? Things never go like they should, so aren't I freaking out all the time? Well, yes and no. I've learned to deal with it most of the time and generally I can roll with the punches. But, if I'm already stressed out or something, the automatic reactions take over and I end up looking like a crazy person.  Today at the beginning of Primary I had a weird interaction with someone. This morning I got a call from one of the counselors in the presidency asking if I might be willing to help with piano a bit during junior primary. Our regular pianist was going to be gone for that hour and we had a found a substitute, but she wouldn't be available until later in the hour for singing time. Playing the piano is not a problem for me at all so I agreed to do ...

On Friday morning I experienced another run-in with one of the Annoying People at Work. I know all of us have had to work with at least one Annoying Person. They are varied in their presentation, but generally make life difficult. This person complains and makes the atmosphere negative, no matter what we try to do. After dealing with this person I went back to my desk and began to complain to two of my coworkers. While I was in the middle of my little diatribe, the Annoying Person came walking by and we immediately stopped talking. Of course Annoying Person noticed and said something, and of course I felt really bad because I was acting like a petty little junior high student instead of a professional. Then yesterday in Primary we began learning the song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me". And I had to sing the line "If the Savior stood beside me, would I say the things I say?" about twenty times in a row. I felt bad. Because it's true--this person is difficult a...

Friday night I didn't want to come home from work because the kids were here. I just wanted to come home to an empty house and not have to fix anyone dinner or anything. It didn't help that I was out of groceries and out of good meal ideas. Finally I decided to make creamed tuna and serve it with leftover rice that was sitting in the fridge; it was a major hit with the kids, surprisingly. Everyone had two helpings. Last night turned out to be a better night than I thought it would after all. I realized the other day that part of why I feel like I have blogging writer's block lately is because I spend so much of my time at work, but I can't write about work. My job is not great for many reasons, but I don't dare blog about it. I'm also still trying to figure out my emotional balance in order to not let my job dominate my life. It's hard sometimes. For a while I was only listening to NPR in the car. Then last year I switched to listening to pop music on th...

I have been forcing myself to get more sleep for the past few nights and I'm feeling a lot better. I also realized yesterday why I was in such a bad mood for the few days before that. This kind of thing happens once a month, and has for the last 20 years, so you'd think I'd figure it out by now. We have a copy of this book on the new book display, and every time I look at it I feel a little thrill. That guy's tight pants are sexy! I'm beginning to understand why people sometimes go a little crazy after a relationship ends. It's been nearly a year without any physical affection in my life and I definitely miss it. Not that I'm planning on going out and doing anything stupid, but it is a bit tempting. (And no, I'm not going to read the book. It's probably not as exciting as the cover) On a somewhat related note, one disadvantage of living in a college town is that many of the cute guys around here are a lot younger than me. I don't feel that old, ...

I have occasionally seen people who can pull off posts complaining about stuff that other people do that they just don't understand. Despite the fact that I'm pretty opinionated I generally tend to avoid those kinds of posts since I just can't figure out how to do it without offending. I'm just not a clever/snarky blogger. Today I've decided to blog about something I really don't understand: people who don't recycle. My family has recycled for my whole life, even before it was cool or became a political issue. I have years of memories of packing up newspapers, cans, and bottles to haul down to the recycling center. I still can't put a newspaper in the trash; it just feels wrong. Today the kids were in the backyard playing, and when I went outside to check on them I discovered that they had two large, rusty metal stakes they'd discovered in the dirt. I confiscated the stakes and went out to the front to put them in our garbage can that was waiting at ...

I think People magazine is right on the money with this year's pick for Sexiest Man Alive . I've had a crush on him ever since my mom gave us some money and dropped us off at the theater one afternoon to watch Edward Scissorhands . I don't know what's wierder: that I think Edward Scissorhands is sexy or that Johnny Depp is 46.

1. We don't usually get Diego videos from the library because the show really bugs me. Sometimes when he's putting all this energy into helping tree frogs I just want to sit him down and say "Diego, sometimes animals get hurt or sick and die. Then their bodies become food for other animals and possibly for plants. That's just what happens. Some baby animals are too little or weak to survive. It's just the circle of life; maybe you need to find a new hobby besides saving animals." I think this is part of why Finding Nemo bugs me: they have so much angst for being such little fish. Fish generally have short sad little lives, OK? 2. For some reason I have this thing about leaving the last few bites of my food on my plate. Especially sandwiches; it's like psychologically it's too much to finish it and so I feel better if I don't eat the last little bit. But then I hide it in the trash can in case anyone finds out I was wasting food. 3. I've been sp...

We had a good President's Day weekend; Saturday was spent running errands and making sugar cookies shaped like hearts. That night our home teacher and his wife watched the kids while Mr. Fob and I went out on a date. I had made a nice, budget-friendly plan that would include a stop at the falafel place and then bowling. But then we decided to be spontaneous and try a Thai restaurant. The food was't that great and it ended up costing a lot more than we had planned for our date, but I still enjoyed the chance to have a nice, quiet dinner together without interruptions from little people. I've been tagged by a bunch of different people on Facebook asking me to reveal interesting things about myself, but I'm still deciding how much I want to participate in Facebook and I feel like I've already done just about every meme on the planet here on my blog. But, just to satisfy the curious masses, here are two more bits of weirdness that I'm willing to share: 1. I'm te...

This morning I had a few extra minutes before church, so I sat down to read the Ensign from last conference. I opened to President Eyring's talk about unity . It turned out to be just the message I needed: I've got to be more humble and "see a difference in someone else not as a source of irritation but as a contribution." Then I got to sacrament meeting and we sang one of my favorite hymns, "Reverently and Meekly Now". The third verse starts: "Bid thy heart all strife to cease/With thy brethren be at peace." And then the bishop got up and said "I'd like to urge everyone to read President Eyring's talk about unity from the last conference." I had been praying about how to handle my new calling, and I know realize that I've been doing it all wrong. I've been going into it trying to figure out how I can help and how I can do such an amazing job and fix all the problems that are out there. But I've been called to help ...

I went to Costco today to return the other lotion and buy some new stuff. And now I like to sit here and sniff my arm because I really like the smell of it. Also, I will now confess that I really like cheesy Europop music (not sure if I've confessed that on here before). The other day in the car we were listening to Laura Pausini and S-Boogie asked me "why is she saying 'Safeway'?" The song actually says " se fue " (he left). Cracks me up now every time I listen to it.

We're still a little short on furniture since we moved in; nothing we can't live without, but our microwave is sitting on the dining room floor and we have no nightstands. So I've been patiently watching Craigslist hoping to solve both problems in an economical way. This afternoon I thought I had finally gotten my wish when someone posted a pair of nice-looking nightstands that would match our headboard well. I've discovered that most people just have one nightstand, but we'd really like two. I asked the guy selling them if I could come by the in the morning, but he said this afternoon would be better. I quashed my guilty feelings about the sabbath and hopped in the car with Mr. Fob and the kids for a lovely half-hour drive. Well, first of all the kids screamed at each other the entire way there. S-Boogie has fallen in love with riding bikes and shows it by behaving terribly in the car: wiggling out of her seatbelt, unbuckling her seatbelt, pinching Little Dude, whi...

I'll be honest: going to church lately has been hard for me. Not only is taking care of two kids by myself difficult, but I also feel self-conscious about the fact that my husband isn't there. I've been trying to get over it since I know it's mostly in my head, but I still can't help feeling really weird being alone at church. Also S-Boogie has lately been having a hard time since she really doesn't like sitting still in sacrament meeting. She loves Primary, but this morning told me that she "hates sacrament meeting" because it involves sitting still and waiting for too long. I need to work on helping her have a more positive experience. Going to a new ward is also hard. The last two weeks have been good in the sense that I can tell there are a lot of friendly people here. But they've also been very difficult because of the political climate. One of the first things someone from the elders' quorum said when they showed up to help us move in was...

Question: If you sing along with Celine Dion and no one is around to hear it, are you still a dork? Also, I think Titanic was one of the worst movies to win Best Picture (and all the other awards). I think the music video for My Heart Will Go On is better than the movie.

Part of the reason why I started blogging was to be able to share my opinion about various topics that are important to me. I think it's interesting as I read to see what people are passionate about. It seems like I had seen a meme going around inviting people to step up on their soapbox and rant about a pet issue, but I can't find it. I thought it was a little interesting, since I figured that that was what blogging was supposed to be about: getting on your soapbox. Since having kids, I've really become passionate about car seat use and car safety. I'm not sure why this is, exactly, but I guess it's just because there are clear-cut rules that people should follow, and I'm all about following the rules. I also think it's so sad that many kids each year die in car accidents because they're not properly restrained. Did you know that car accidents are the leading cause of death for children? A few weeks ago there was an accident in Provo in which a mom lost...

1. On another blog I posted a comment about the general Relief Society President's hair. That was tacky and rude, especially since I just wrote a post about avoiding judgement and striving for unity. 2. Mr. Fob has been sick for almost two weeks, and instead of being sympathetic and supportive I've been grouchy and irritated. 3. Even though I took S-Boogie out to ride her bike this afternoon I was grumpy with her when she wanted my help pushing her up hills.

I am about to confess one of the ways in which I am hypocritical, judgemental, and basically a bad person. I'm sorry to disappoint all of you, but I'm not perfect. When I was a small child we did not have a television set at all. Apparently it broke before I was born and my parents never got around to fixing it. When I was about 8 or so, my dad bought a car from an old man who decided to throw in a TV as part of the deal. I remember that one of the first things we watched was some Disney movie of the week about a guide dog for the blind. It made me cry. After that, we had a variety of random old television sets until I was about 13 when we got a real, brand new TV. My parents just replaced it last year with a giant flat screen. I have always said that I'm not a big fan of television and I don't watch it that much. If we had not received one as a wedding gift, I'm not sure when we would have gotten around to getting one. But, since we have one and we have cable, I wi...

Tonight Master Fob and I went to the Spanish Department's annual end of the year dinner. It was mostly a chance to hang out with my friends and eat free burritos from Bajio (yum). I often take S-Boogie to things like this by myself, so it was nice to go somewhere as a family for a change. S-Boogie behaved reasonably well, although we had a few technical difficulties when the side effects from her antibiotic decided to kick in and she managed to blow out two diapers in less than an hour. Luckily her pants weren't too bad so she could wear them home and she was distracted enough by carrot cake that she didn't even notice the leakage. The thing I realized tonight is that I really like attention and getting awards, and I feel bad when I don't get them. I like the spotlight, and I have always tried to repress this part of me. I don't know why, but I crave attention and then feel horribly guilty when I seek it. The thing is, they only give out a few awards and there was ...

Yesterday morning I read an interesting article in the LA Times health section. I'm not going to post a link, since most of you probably don't want to read it. It was about how the latest trend in plastic surgery for women is getting a, um, certain part that starts with V "redone" to look "better" (aka, more like a porn star). Needless to say, I was rather shocked that people actually worry about how that looks and that they have boyfriends/husbands who will actually compare them to porn stars. But yeah, I'm still getting over the fact that a lot of women shave or wax themselves, so surgery really is a mind boggler . Anyhoo --in my brain that sort of evolved into a post about how I feel grateful that I don't have body issues. I really don't think that I do. I've had plenty of roommates that had eating disorders and were convinced that they were fat because their size zero dresses were getting a bit snug around the hips. I could definitely not...