Yellow Wallpaper

Yesterday I was going to write a blog post about how tired I have been feeling this summer. Physically tired, emotionally tired, mentally tired. Just tired. My yard has giant brown spots on it and my flowerbeds are sprouting weeds that are taller than I am. The garden has been a total bust due to my neglect and the only things still surviving are the pumpkin vines and the tomato plants. I haven't cleaned the bathrooms for about two months, there are piles of papers and books all over the house, and I'm at least four weeks behind on the reading for my class (at least all my assignments have been turned in on time). I have 10 shirts in my closet that haven't been worn for 2 months because I can't bring myself to iron them. I've been in a slump for a while--as evidenced by the dark circles under my eyes, the massive amounts of books I've been reading, and my inability to make simple decisions or to email people back about things.  When I was on my trip to Portlan...

I read 10 books in November. I knew I had been reading a lot, but the number surprised me when I added them all up. Reading books is good, right? I've usually thought so and I've spent most of my life proudly identifying myself as a reader. However, a few years ago I was talking with a therapist and he asked me what hobbies I had. "I read," I responded. "What else?" he asked. I was surprised--isn't reading good? Isn't it virtuous? Aren't I better person because I read a lot? Well, as he gently pointed out, even reading can be a problem if it is being used as an escape from life or when it crowds out other more important things. Sometimes reading is best , but sometimes it's just good and there might be something better. I realized that this was what happened last month. Many of those books were finished in the wee hours of the night when I should have been sleeping. Or during other times when I should have been doing other things. I set a go...

Starting teaching this year has really done a number on my psyche; I think I'm struggling because things were going well for quite a while and I felt like my life was in control and not too full. Plus I have not been giving myself enough sleep. I need to sleep or things get crazy. Don't ask me why I am blogging instead of going to bed like I should. Maybe because reaching out to other people helps me feel better. I'm also hoping that shaking this cold that has been plaguing my entire family (myself included) will improve my mood. I can tell when my brain isn't doing well because I start obessing over things instead of doing something about them. First of all, I feel like a constant refrain for the last year or so is "Little Dude is driving me crazy". He is really clingy and I have a hard time getting him to entertain himself much. I'm discovering that the hardest part of having S-Boogie do so many activities is dealing with a four-year-old who won't ge...

I had my first meeting with my new therapist today and it went really well. I think that this time it might actually work, and I hope so because I'm sick of not feeling like myself. Obviously part of the problem is the pregnancy, but I haven't been coping well with things for a few years. It felt really good to have someone say "your life is stressful and has been for several years and I'm impressed that you're coping as well as you are." I was really worried about going in and worried that the diagnostic sheet would show that there was nothing wrong with me. I'll admit that I'm pretty good at deflecting help and pretending that things are fine (just call me 'stiff upper lip'). Thankfully my brain really is under stress and there are reasons why I'm acting so crazy; that means that we can do something to fix them. He said he'd rather hold off on medication for a while, and preferably until after I have the baby because we'd end up a...

I haven't posted since Wednesday night, and that was a downer of a post. The reason why I haven't been posting is because I don't want to keep writing things like that. And I know part of the problem is simply the fact that I'm 32 weeks pregnant, tired, and hormonal. Today I finally sat down and emailed a therapist that a friend recommended; I don't want this blog to degenerate into what it was a few years ago. Even more importantly, I don't want to get that crazy again without recognizing it and getting help. This time around I think Mr. Fob is a lot less patient with my alternating bouts of anger and crying meltdowns. The truth is, I'm not so patient with them either. This has been a rough week for all of us. Last weekend the kids both came down with pinkeye, though I'm pretty sure it was not the viral kind and just a bad coincidence. Little Dude spent most of the week battling a bad sinus infection, including complications like the pinkeye and bloody ...

Yesterday was actually a very nice Mother's Day. When I woke up, S-Boogie greeted me by saying "You have a birthday in the kitchen, Mommy". Master Fob had made me waffles with whipped cream and strawberries on them, as well as a nice card with scribbles from S-Boogie and some cool flowers made of paper with green drinking straw stems. At church I got a tomato plant (our ward decided to be practical) and S-Boogie made me a clay hand print in nursery. Then yesterday afternoon I took a nice long nap, and we spent the evening hanging out with Master Fob's sisters and our niece and nephew. Last night after S-Boogie went to bed we watched Superman 2 (yes, it was slightly better than the first one) and ate rocky road brownies. Then I went to bed and discovered that I couldn't sleep. And I felt depressed. And I started to worry about feeling depressed, because I wasn't sure if it was something temporary or the return of something darker. I kept thinking about all t...

Tonight Master Fob and I watched most of a program on KUED about teen suicide, because a friend of ours was going to be appearing on the program (good job, by the way). It was interesting and enlightening and I thought it was pretty well done. I've noticed that mental illness tends to be one of those issues where you are either "in the club" because you've personally dealt with it, or you tend to just sort of ignore it because it means nothing to you. This frustrates me a little, but I think it's just human nature. Empathy is one of the biggest challenges we have as human beings. I think that the ability to be empathetic is one of the noblest traits we can develop, but also the hardest. I noticed this yesterday while I was sitting in ward council. Every month we have some sort of training where we read an article, usually from the Ensign , and discuss it. Yesterday the high priest group leader was in charge of the training, and I had been excited about it becau...

I don't know if it's just the fact that the medication is working, but things have been going quite well for me lately. I hesitate to even think this, let alone say it, lest I be struck down in my moment of pride. But that's OK; for now I will relish the fact that I'm finally having a good time. Here are a few highlights from today: --We got to be among the first people to meet our brand new nephew this morning. He is very adorable and managed to break the family curse of the bald headed babies. Lots of black hair and very chubby cheeks. --My Don Quijote class was quite interesting today; we had an exhilarating discussion on history, literature and truth. I felt proud of the fact that a comment I made was referred to later by the professor as being particularly brilliant. --After DQ I rushed over to meet Master Fob at a talk being given by one of my favorite YA authors, Chris Crutcher . Chris discussed censorship and bad language in books and stuff like that. It was pre...

I just took my first dose of antidepressants tonight. I'm a little nervous to see how it goes--I think I'm most afraid that drugs won't do anything and that I really am just a miserable person. The psychiatrist I talked to today was very optimistic that we could find something that will work for me, but now I have to wait a few weeks to figure out if it's working or not. I actually still feel drained from my appointment with him. This is the second time in the last few weeks that I've spent nearly an hour telling a total stranger all about my life. I worry because most of the time I choose to focus on the positive and I don't think my life is all that bad compared to most people I know, but when I'm telling people all the possible reasons that I may be anxious and depressed, their eyes widen a little and they just nod in agreement. Both the counselor I've been seeing and now the psychiatrist I saw today think that I really do have a lot of major "s...

That is how I've been feeling for the last few days: fragile. Most of the time I feel OK, but underneath my skin I seem to have some kind of tension, like the world is just too much and I'm going to fall apart at any moment. I know a big part of it is the lack of sleep. The last few nights have not gone well at all. I'm still trying to recover from arriving home from out trip at 2 AM the other day. Both last night and the night before I felt like I was too exhausted to actually fall asleep. My body kept doing this weird thing where I would start to drop off and then jerk myself awake. Last night I had taken a sleeping pill, so I never came back to full wakefulness but was in a weird irritable state. I hope that doesn't happen again, it was freaky and not a lot of fun. It's also not a great point in the monthly cycle and I've got all kinds of weird hormones swirling around inside right now. I have been trying to keep track of my menstrual cycle and chart it so I ...

I got nearly 9 hours of sleep last night. I felt like an almost normal person today. I tried the sleeping pill one more time, and I guess the third time is the charm. Yesterday was a good day and very relaxing, plus I had a nice little neck and back massage before I went to sleep, and I managed to drift off rather painlessly into dreamland. I hope this is the beginning of a new trend in sleeping for me, but if it's not then at least I will always remember last night as a wonderful night for sleep.

Yesterday was a better day, even if I was in a brain fog from going to bed so late. I did some chores around the house, and even cleaned my refrigerator (I know it's been at least six months since I last did that). I also took a little walk with S-Boogie and made some banana chocolate chip cookies. Also, I checked out some books on depression from the library. I've started with the one from Deseret Book and it's really not too bad at all. It was published a few years ago and is directed primarily towards women. The coauthors have both dealt with depression and one is a therapist, so it's not just a "pray harder and serve others" type of book at all. Actually, they keep pointing out that "depression is a physical illness and not a spiritual defect". I already knew that, but there are plenty of people out there who don't. Last night I was reading the chapter on triggers of depressive episodes and brain chemistry that makes you vulnerable to being ...

I've been trying to decide for the last little while if I really do have a problem or if I just need to try harder to get my life together. I found this list of symptoms for depression on the BYU counseling center website and am not sure if they apply or not: 1. Loss of interest or pleasure in activities. Well, I dropped my classes because I couldn't get myself to enjoy them at all. Then again, Cuban poetry isn't that interesting to many people. But, I really have been feeling "flat" lately and I often feel bored, like nothing is interesting or worth doing. Even cooking or reading don't interest me as much as they used to. 2. Significant change in appetite, or change in body weight when not dieting. Not sure about this one, because I've been overweight for a while. But, I have been having weird issues with food. Certain types of foods will totally gross me out just by their texture or smell or strange stuff like that. I will start eating and be unable to ...

I haven't posted for a while because I was hoping that something funny would happen to me, since I feel like this blog has been kind of a downer for the last few posts. But then I realized that it's that unfortunate time of the month when absolutely nothing is funny and nothing will ever be funny again, so just get me some chocolate ice cream and leave me alone.