Yellow Wallpaper

I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this blog, and perhaps anyone who used to is wondering if it has finally died (like most blogs I used to read). 2021 was a momentous year that blew up my life completely and I'm still trying to put everything back together and figure out new routines and things. In the fall of 2020 I started a new position at work and the kids went back to school on a weird schedule because of the pandemic--and I thought that would be it as far as disruptions went. Then the year went on and Covid quarantines and protocols kept disrupting things. And we had a house fire in May that destroyed Little Dude's bedroom and caused enough damage that we couldn't live there for two months while they removed everything from the house, cleaned it, and moved it back in. I am enjoying the new paint on the walls, but I'm still sad that my good carpet got replaced with an inferior product. And then in the fall S-Boogie moved away to college and the other two ...

This year I did not cook or eat any Thanksgiving food, and I find that I mostly haven't missed any of it. Well, except for pie. Many of my friends are posting about pie on social media and I would like to eat some. Other than that, I'm not a big fan of most Thanksgiving foods that I would only eat on the holiday (turkey, stuffing), or I eat those foods at other times already (rolls, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes and gravy). This year the kids were with Mr. Fob, so my parents and I decided to eat out at a fancy restaurant. They had a Thanksgiving special with turkey, but I chose a pork chop with blackberry coulis and sweet potato puree. It was delicious. So was the chocolate creme brulee I had for dessert.  The kids came back Thursday night, so we hung out and watched a movie. Friday we met up with my brother at the Natural History Museum and spent the afternoon together, then went out for Indian food. On the way home, I convinced my parents to stop off at Ikea so they could...

Things I didn't do today: Rake the leaves off the lawn Wash the windows Repaint a wall in the basement  Fix the compost bin Go to a movie or a concert or a lecture Clean out the closets Work on writing Go to the temple Things I did do today: Got a massage Went grocery shopping Made and canned applesauce (8 pints) Did laundry Cleaned three bathrooms Dropped off the vacuum for a tune-up Sometimes I focus too much on the things I think I 'should' do, or make unrealistic expectations for my weekends. Sometimes it's better to take a good look at what I've actually accomplished instead.

Today at work I had the 'what did you do this weekend?' conversation with two different people, and none of us could remember anything that had happened. Apparently the first weekend in November is not exciting for anyone. I didn't have the kids on Friday night because Saturday was Mr. Fob's birthday and he wanted to celebrate with them. I got home late because I stopped for groceries after work, and then I just watched a few episodes of a TV show on Netflix. I've been really binging on crime shows this year; I have a lot of movies I'd love to watch, but keep coming back to television instead. Saturday morning P.Bibby had a rehearsal for a play she is in at school later this week. They had asked parents to come help make things for the set, so Little Dude and I stayed for a few hours to construct paper palm trees and paint cardboard grass. We all came home and had lunch, and I prodded people into doing a few chores like putting away laundry. Then we went over ...

I got home last night from work and was hit with an incredible sense of inertia. While I ate dinner (leftover veggie pizza from book club the night before), I read a book on my Kindle. After dinner I had considered leaving the house to go see a movie, but instead I moved to the couch and spent some time finishing my book. And then I just sat. I could mow the lawn, watch a movie, clean the house, go out for a walk--and I didn't want to do any of it. It had been a while since I'd had a free weekend without kids where I wasn't going anywhere.  I thought that maybe today I would get some things done, but instead I woke up still feeling lazy. I didn't mow the lawn, clean my house, bake a pie, unload the dishwasher, do any laundry, take my bike to get fixed, organize my photos on the computer, buy new pants, or iron my closet full of wrinkly shirts.  However, I did motivate myself enough this morning to go to the temple, which I haven't done for far too long. After I ...

In another life I would live in a large European city like London or Madrid. I would ride my bike or take public transportation to get around. I would shop at little stores for fancy bread and cheese and spend my weekend afternoons going for walks in the park. In another life I would live in a small town on the Oregon coast or an island in Puget Sound. I would own a bookstore or a bakery and walk on the beach every evening. In another life I would have long hair that I styled extravagantly in braids or buns and it would always flatter my face. In another life I would get up early in the mornings to go running. In another life I would know how to dress stylishly and how to decorate my house and maintain my yard. I would also have the energy and motivation to do these things. In another life I would have a PhD in history and teach at a small university. I would write books about the lives of early modern women in Europe or about medieval literary culture. In another life I wo...

I feel like my last post left things hanging--I did feel sick the next day (Wednesday), but finally on Thursday I felt a little more like myself and by Friday I was feeling great. Last weekend was a good one--the sun came out and we had some nice weather, and I was able to get things done. On Saturday morning I went to the temple, in the afternoon I went to see a movie ( Manchester by the Sea ), and in between I ran some errands and cleaned my house.  I realized last month that too often my weekends when I don't have kids are all spent consuming--running errands to buy things or seeking out entertainment. I don't think that's a horrible thing, since I need to maintain my house and feed my family, and I need to relax as well. But I also sometimes worry that I'm not using my time as well as I could. Even though it's been a few months since I finished school, the amount of free time I have without homework still feels a bit overwhelming. There is a lot of potential t...

I write a lot of things in my head and never manage to actually get them down somewhere more permanent. Sometimes I wonder if other people live like this, with a constant stream of narration in their own heads. I don't usually talk to myself directly and I feel weird doing that, but I like to comment on my day, analyze things, and describe them to other people. I've always liked to process things out loud, and since getting divorced this has been a lot harder since I don't have anyone around to do this with. Hence, trying to get back into blogging and journaling. I just need to sit down more often to write out the things I'm thinking.  We had a good Christmas this year. I hadn't been feeling much of the Christmas spirit since our schedule was compressed and the kids and I were at work and school through the 22nd. During the earlier part of the month I was also still recovering from my surgery, and so we didn't do very many festive things like we usually do. I ...

I really can't let leap day pass by without writing a post about it, since it only happens every four years. I'm curious to see what my life will be like four years from now--hopefully I'll still have a blog, and even if I don't I'll be able to go back and read this and reflect. In four years I'll have kids that are 16, 13, and 10! That feels old to me. I wrote a post in 2008 that reflected on what my life had been like in 2004, and in some ways it wasn't all that different four years later. We were still in school, still didn't have a lot of money, and probably spent too much time waiting for 'real life' to happen (well, I know I did). Really, 2008 was mostly a good year and a lot of nice things happened.  I did write again in 2012 , but it wasn't consciously a leap day post. In fact, it was more processing a lot of feelings about the divorce. I feel a little weird going back and reading it now, but it had only been about six months out a...

The middle of winter is actually not a great time for starting a new year. It's too cold and dark for me to feel like I have energy to do anything new. On the other hand, we've just passed the solstice and the days are starting to get a bit longer. Plus we just had Christmas and all its decadence, so perhaps the time is right for change after all. We're two weeks into January and I'm not sure yet if I want to make any resolutions. I'm a bit behind, as evidenced by my recent attempts to catch up on book reviews.  Christmas was quite lovely this year. My parents came to town and we had a nice dinner on Christmas Eve with my brother and his family. I woke up the next morning to fluffy white snow everywhere, and a quiet house filled with sleeping children. Unfortunately I also woke up with a sore throat and headache that only got worse as the day went on. The kids had a great morning and loved their new presents. I was actually grateful that Mr. Fob came to pick them ...

I'm not a fan of January--I'm sure you can look back through this blog and find plenty of posts describing all the reasons why this is not one of my favorite months. It's long, cold, and doesn't have any birthdays or anything to make things exciting. The first part of the month is always swallowed by recovery from Christmas break, and I always set too many high expectations for the new year. This January was a mixed bag. The weather was ugly--the entire western part of the country has been stuck under a high pressure ridge that's pushing all the cold and snowy weather to the east. It's been a moderately cold, hazy, polluted month around here. I've barely seen any rain or snow, and it's gotten warm enough for trees to think they need to pop out some buds. I like winter weather and feel sad that we haven't had any this year.  I've settled into work and made plans through the rest of the year. At the end of last November I interviewed for a posi...

Today didn't feel very much like New Year's Eve to me. I had to go to work--this year they changed the paid holidays to the 1st and 2nd to give everyone a four-day weekend. There weren't very many people at work and not a lot to do and I ended up leaving early in order to go to the grocery store and check out some movies at the public library before it closed. We got back from our vacation on Monday night and my brain is still adjusting after being gone for a week, especially since the weather here turned bitterly cold and snowy while we were away.  According to many articles I've seen around the internet, 2014 was kind of a crappy year. Outrage on the internet, Ebola, crazy weather, unrest and protests all over the world, airplane disasters, and so on. I get it--I don't feel like 2014 was my best year either. It feels like the year flew by before I had a chance to even catch my breath and get my feet under me. I spent a lot of time doing homework and not much els...

I took the day off work today--I've had a few sick days saved up for a while and thought it would be good to use one. I had planned on taking the afternoon off, since I had a phone appointment with the counseling center at noon and the kids had their back-to-school thing this afternoon (it used to be back-to-school night, but now for some reason it's in the afternoon). Then when I got up this morning, I just didn't feel like going in to work for only a few hours. So I got dressed and went to the temple instead; it was nice to be there and I felt good afterwards. Then I came home and had my phone appointment with the counseling center on campus--they will call in a few weeks and set up an appointment with me. I get to be some grad student's project for the semester, but at least it is cheap and easy to get to since it is on campus. I think things will be OK--I'm also going to work on getting more sleep and taking better care of myself too. This afternoon I had a fe...

Why is January always so crappy? I wish I knew. Actually, this January was slightly better than January was last year. Last year the weather was much colder and Little Dude had a broken foot. At least this year the temperatures were closer to normal winter weather, though we've had very little snow and way too many days of nasty, hazy inversion. If I'm going to live in a state with winter, I'd like some decent winter weather.  About two weeks ago P. Bibby got sick with a fever and a cough. I knew a virus was going around and thought that she'd be sick for a few days and then get better. She had a fever Monday and was still sick on Tuesday. Then, on Wednesday when I got home from work she looked much worse, rather than much better like I had hoped. I took her temperature and watched the thermometer climb up to nearly 104! I was able to get her in to see the after-hours doctor and was actually relieved when he looked in her ears and diagnosed them as both infected. In m...

My last "real" post was called "Back on the Wagon" and was over six weeks ago. Oops. I was feeling optimistic at the beginning of November, but my feeling didn't last. It turned out to be a crazy month, with a lot of different things going on for me, topped off by a visit from a nasty stomach virus for all three of the kids. I did manage to get my final paper written for my class; it took longer than I expected it to and turned out to be somewhat difficult to write. Part of that is my fault for not choosing a better research question and part of it is the fault of my instructor for giving vague directions for the final paper. Oh well--the semester is over and turned out well. Now I have a nice long break until mid-January and I want to make the most of it. ******* As much as I'd like to relax and enjoy my break, however, nothing is going to be calm until after Christmas. Even when I try to keep things simple, they still are hard. This year I decided to s...

Two weeks ago I mentioned that I had started exercising again and had successfully met my goal of working out three times a week. Unfortunately during the next two weeks I didn't do such a great job. The next week I exercised on Tuesday night; then on Thursday night I had my book club and came home late. I thought I would at least exercise on Saturday morning, but I stayed out too late on Friday and was completely exhausted Saturday. This was past week wasn't much better. I worked out on Tuesday night, but Thursday was Halloween and we were trick-or-treating instead (at least I was walking around quite a bit, so I think that counts). Then yesterday morning I did not get up and exercise; however, we spent two hours outside raking leaves and getting the yard ready for winter. Meeting my new exercise goal and getting into better habits has been a bit uneven but I am still committed to making it happen and having some positive changes in my life.  Those last two weeks have been b...

Another General Conference has come and gone. It seems like the older I get, the shorter the sessions seem to be. Conference weekend used to feel like the longest two days of the month and now it feels like the shortest. I watched all four sessions this time--something I haven't done in a while--though the amount of attention I paid to each varied.  The weekend actually started on Friday evening with a mission reunion. We attended the temple together with my mission president and his wife, then went back to their home for a dinner and a little gathering. Not many people attended this year; I think it wasn't well advertised and people are just getting older and moving on with their lives. I also didn't know most of the people who were there very well. It was still a good, uplifting experience for many reasons. I haven't been to the temple for a while and haven't seen the updated film--that was fun and interesting. It was also good to just get out and socialize, and...

The weather has been weird for the last few weeks--we've been having a lot of muggy mornings followed by massive thunderstorms in the afternoon. About 10 days ago we had a crazy microburst that caused a lot of flooding around the neighborhood (thankfully my basement stayed dry). Things have been rather unsettled, but we are slowly creepy towards fall. I love watching the trees slowly turning colors and feeling the air cool off a little each day. On Sunday I distracted the kids from the fact that we didn't have a lot of good food options in the house by packing a random picnic and driving us up into the canyon for dinner. They love getting outside and I need to take advantage of our proximity to the mountains more often.  The last few months have been somewhat unsettling for me too. I've been in my new job for almost five months now and am finally starting to feel more comfortable in my role. I think I underestimated how big a transition in workplace atmosphere and job typ...

I feel like I'm still trying to figure out what my priorities are and how to best use my time. I know this is a universal problem and that no one has the time or other resources needed to accomplish all that they would like. It's just that I used to feel like I had a better handle on things and now the last two years of my life feel like a constantly shifting landscape I'm still trying to navigate. Last night I worked late and didn't get home until 9:30. My original plan had been to go right to bed by 10:30 and catch up on sleep. Instead, I started chatting with a friend on Facebook and we played a round of Words with Friends. I stayed up later than I had planned to. On the one hand, I needed the sleep. On the other hand, I also needed to talk to someone. For a while now I've been debating the value of my time, because I spend a lot of time chatting online with this particular friend. I value our friendship. I need connections in my life and I don't feel like ...

Monday seems to be my new day for posting. Happy Monday to everyone out there in blog land. I actually like Monday morning; it's the day I go in to work late so I can stay later in the evening. Once I get the older kids off to school I have a few hours to run errands, catch up on housework, and recover from the weekend before starting a new week. (Don't ask me how I feel about Mondays later tonight. A busy morning followed by 8 hours of work usually leaves me exhausted by 10).  I've been re-learning a few lessons these past few weeks: 1. Not everyone is going to like me or like the things I do. I recently got called to be in the Primary presidency as the secretary. While I'm thrilled to be in a more active calling and I love being in Primary with the kids, I'm remembering what it is like to serve in a presidency and to be more exposed to the gossip/complaints/opinions of those in the ward. I've been running into similar problems at work,...