Yellow Wallpaper

Last Friday morning S-Boogie got her tonsils and adenoids taken out. Her pediatrician had noted for a number of years that her tonsils were quite enlarged, and she was a very noisy sleeper, but since she didn't get sick that often I wasn't sure if it was worth it to get surgery. A few weeks ago I finally called and made an appointment with an ENT for a consultation, and sure enough he recommended that we get both her tonsils and adenoids removed. Thankfully we were able to fit the surgery in before the start of school (next Tuesday!). I had spent the last few weeks worrying about it and was glad that things went smoothly. We got to the hospital for same-day surgery at 9:30 in the morning, there was about an hour total of prep time while they did various things and we had to wait for our turn. Then they wheeled her back to the operating room and I sat out in the waiting room reading for an hour before they called to tell me she was waking up (the surgery was only half an hour bu...

In May I went to the dentist for the first time in about five years. Yes, I know I should have gone more regularly in the past. I have a lot of excuses, including some good ones like the moving around we have done and the occasional lack of dental insurance. I didn't think that skipping the dentist would be a big deal because I've had good teeth for most of my life. I also floss and brush every day and I don't drink soda, coffee, or tea. Well, after spending a very long time in the dentist's chair that day I learned a few things. I had several small cavities between my teeth. I also had to endure a deep cleaning of my teeth and gums to get off the stuff that had built up during my years without regular cleanings. Apparently I have been experiencing both periodontitis and gum recession . The dentist sent me away with special medicinal mouthwash and an appointment in a few weeks to fill my cavities. The appointment for my fillings was definitely the worst experience I...

This morning was, unfortunately, like too many other mornings on school days. The kids dawdled through breakfast and getting dressed while I spent my time repeatedly saying things like "go get dressed", "stop talking and eat breakfast", "we don't have time for that", and so on. By the time we were out the door walking (running) to school I was pretty upset. I realized today that part of the reason why I was upset was because I was just as mad at myself as I was at the kids. Because it's all my fault that they don't get up on time, my fault that they can take thirty minutes to eat a bowl of cereal, my fault that S-Boogie still can't focus enough to get herself dressed without my help. I realized while walking home today that I've fallen into the trap of feeling too much guilt and responsibility. Lately I feel like everything I do is wrong, that everything is totally my fault, and that I'm an utter failure. The problem with this minds...

Wednesday morning Mr. Fob got up, went in our dining room, turned on the light, and watched a mouse scurry into the kitchen and hide under the refrigerator. Not only was this particularly gross, but Wednesday afternoon Mr. Fob's sister was coming in to visit us for a few day. She is deathly afraid of mice. I was at the gym when the mouse incident occurred, so when I got home Mr. Fob informed me in code that an "animal" had been seen in our kitchen. We were trying to avoid having the kids talk about it all weekend while our guests were here, but they figured it out anyway. As soon as Auntie M showed up, S-Boogie announced "I have a secret! There's an animal in our house under our fridge. I think it's a mouse!" Sigh. The managers gave us some glue traps and we set them up in a few places. We decided to put some animal crackers and peanut butter in them in hopes of luring the creature out. After a few days nothing happened and I assumed the mouse had gone...

I think that tonight I hit the wall. I just couldn't do it any more; I put her bed as usual around 8 but then she woke up crying about 9, so we came and sat on the couch for an hour. I just couldn't summon up the energy to go and do what it takes to get her back into bed. And all that involves is rocking in a chair with her in the dark, but it didn't happen. Sad. The really sad thing is, she's not tired tonight because she slept for most of the day because I couldn't deal with her being sick. Mommy can't deal with life=extra nap time for S-Boogie. I really need to get myself together...

Now that I am not in school, I am not sure what to do with my life. I have no idea what I should be doing right now. Today I tried getting up early and exercising because I hoped that it would help me feel better, but instead I have felt tired and brain fogged all day. And now I am starting to feel sick to my stomach, which is a problem because I should begin to fix dinner about now and nothing sounds good at all. Even though S-Boogie is almost two, I still have a hard time adjusting to the whole staying at home thing. I have always worked or been in school or stuff like that, so I feel kind of weird just hanging out in my house without some sort of higher purpose in mind. Today I thoroughly cleaned the bathroom. I even washed the shower curtain. It feels so sparkly and nice in there--if anyone wants to come use my bathroom sometime in the next day or two, please do. I think the best use of my time right now would be to work on my reading list. I have to take my specialty exams next Fe...

I usually try to be polite to phone salespeople, I really do. I worked in a call center for a while and know that is a supremely crappy job. But I just hung up on a lady because I was getting really, really frustrated by trying to understand her English. It was one of those things where your credit card company calls and tries to sell you extra things that you don't need. The connection was bad and she kept reading me these really long descriptions of what it does, what the terms are and everything else. Plus, no matter how closely I listened, I could barely understand what she was saying. I knew she was speaking English, but I just couldn't quite get it because the accent was so foreign. I finally figured out that she must be calling from India, hence the bad connection, and so I felt bad for not getting it, but she was unintelligible! I finally hung up because I realized that she was saying something along the lines of "So I am going to charge your card now" so I fi...

S-Boogie was released from the hospital this morning and is now a free baby. We have a nebulizer, which is a little machine that dispenses medication in mist form so she can breathe it in. She really hates having her breathing treatments, but we will continue doing them for the next few days just to make sure that everything stays cleared up. Also, we can now use the nebulizer when she starts wheezing and hopefully nip any problems in the bud before they get too serious. I'm just glad she's doing better and is back to being her normal little self again. Part of me is still having a hard time adjusting to having a child with a chronic illness, even if it's not that "serious" of one. It's just not where I thought I would be; I never anticipated that I would be spending days in the hospital with my two year old or that I would be receiving visits from those home health care people in the little white vans. I know that S-Boogie will be fine and that there are much...

I read an interesting book a while ago that stated that the reason why we treat people badly is usually because we are feeling guilty and anxious about things we know we aren't doing right but don't really want to admit it to ourselves, and so we project our negativity onto other people and then blame them for our unhappiness and problems. That idea really resonated with me, because sometimes Ifeel like I'm just a giant walking ball of anxiety and guilt. Then, my anxiety and guilt over things that I'm not doing right makes me avoid resolving issues and so I feel worse, and then some days I just want to go curl up in a ball and hide in my closet for a day or two until it all goes away. But, the world is too much with me and I am too much with the world to do that, and every now and then I have a breakthrough: Reasons why I no longer feel guilty tonight: I took care of most of the phone calls I was procrastinating for my calling and found a sub to take two of the classes ...