Introspection

A few days ago I was going to post about stressed out I was feeling, but then I made some decisions and I don't feel so stressed anymore. First of all, I got an offer to teach at a second school. However, this school is about an hour away (more with traffic) and the class conflicted with one I had already agreed to teach. I thought my first class wasn't going to happen, because it only had two students when I left on vacation. Then I looked again and started to panic, because there were six students. I was feeling really freaked out about starting at a new school, driving that far two nights a week, and screwing over my first employer. So I told the second school that I couldn't do it. And I felt a lot better. I haven't even felt guilty about the fact that they start next Wednesday. Saying "no" appropriately is a great way to reduce stress.

I also finished and turned in my graduate school applications. I did three of them; for a while I was considering doing more, including some in other areas of the country besides the West. Then I decided that I didn't want to. If these three don't work out, then I'll take some time to decide what to do from there. For some reason lately I've been feeling an urge to slow down and really decide how I want to spend my time. I've been feeling more domestic; I think I'd rather get my sewing machine fixed than start a dissertation right now. It's probably a combination of reading a bunch of feminist literature and a bunch of magazines like Sunset and Better Homes and Gardens over vacation. I'm feeling empowered as a woman: empowered to be more domestic!

Really I think I'm just at a point where I'm trying to make some sense of my life. For most of the last decade I've been in school. If I get into a PhD program that would be great. But if I don't, I think I'm ready to transition out of the "student" frame of mind. I'm turning 30 in the spring. I thought this would make me feel some sort of panic about my lost youth, but instead I feel a sense of expanding possibility. I look at what I've done over the last decade and realize that I've already accomplished a lot. I got married and had two children; I completed my bachelor's and master's degrees; I served a mission; I've grown and matured in a lot of ways. Many of my personal heroes are women who didn't even go to graduate school until their forties. I enjoy teaching part-time and I enjoy being able to spend time with my children. I think more than anything I'm realizing that I still have a lot of life left and that if I don't feel like doing it all right now it's OK. Now I'm going to get off the computer and go cook dinner.