Acceptance

The Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief may or may not be the best one for describing reactions to major life changes, but I think the final stage of acceptance is critical. I'm still having a hard time with that part, and I know I need to get there so that I can deal with the rest of my life. I keep hoping that one day Master Fob will suddenly turn to me and say "never mind, I don't want to do this". But it's not going to happen; my mind tells me that, but my heart doesn't want to let go of the dream. So far I've gone through denial (some days I'm still there), anger (I've been wanting to throw things, but we own very few dishes and I don't want to clean up the mess; I'm also still there a lot of the time too), bargaining (I'm too embarrassed to admit to alternate solutions I proposed), and depression (where I'm definitely stuck for the moment). But I still haven't reached acceptance. I can see that it will be healthy to be there. Right now I can't even form the words to tell anyone what's happening to me. I'm taking S-Boogie to a play date tomorrow with a friend and I'm already practicing what to say and how to act so that I don't seem "abnormal" (unless they read my blog, then I won't have to worry about it). I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm fighting this change as much as I can, but I'm beginning to realize that fighting it is stupid. I need to give up, admit defeat, and accept what's going on.

Comments

Lisa said…
It takes time. I also like to imagine that "it' is not going to happen and that all will get better. Sometimes it's very hard for me to accept it and I am not even the one in the situation. So...hang in there and be patient with yourself. You're an awesome person!
4/12/2007 11:32 PM
Tina said…
I think to a certain extent we are all going through the grief stages. It is a difficult/sad situation. But from where I stand- you are doing amazing! You both seem to be dealing with what life is throwing at you the best you can. I wouldn't call that defeat. I hope that makes sense.
4/13/2007 12:45 AM
Anonymous said…
It is not defeat. You have not been defeated. You can't be defeated by a choice another makes. As long as you keep doing what's best for you and for your kids and you keep relying on the Lord you can't be defeated. If you give up on you and give up on your kids, that's defeat. Yes, you will need to accept that someone else gave up on you and your kids, but you didn't. You're amazingly strong and I admire you for that.
4/13/2007 8:43 AM
Kristeee said…
It's okay to be mad and hurt and angry and sad - you're at the beginning of grieving for a deep relationship that you've been in for years. It would be destructive to you to ignore those feelings and bury them - they'll come out eventually anyhow.

One thing that might help start processing through the layers of feelings, though, would be to make a timeline of everything that's happened to get you to this point. Then you go through and make an accounting for who made what decisions throughout the timeline (my mom decided to raise me LDS; I decided to serve a mission; MF decided to ask me out - little things count, too). This is not done to place blame, just as an "objective" view of things. Then you go through and see what the fallout of those decisions was and list what grievances you have - against yourself, your parents, your husband, children - whomever. Then that can serve as a list of things that you later can work on forgiving yourself and others for - we forgive in specifics, not in generalities.

Sorry for the long comment - this is from a "personal communication in family relationships" class that focused on processing through experiences instead of stuffing them away, and working towards total healing and forgiveness. It's been fresh in my mind from some things happening in my family. It sounds like you're doing great though - you're still functioning and being a good mom. Hang in there.
4/13/2007 9:19 AM
AmyJane said…
I remember reading about a grief model that made more sense to me. Basically it suggested that the stages spiral around and overlap and it's just not as simple as suddenly saying you're "in" one stage or another. Also, I think it's actually harder to grieve in a situation like this than a death because it's always there, in your face, with more options and dilemmas to go through.
The thing that I think really sucks for you is that you have this huge emotional component, but you also have a lot of real-life logistical day-to-day life issues to contend with. I think I would be curled up in the fetal position on my mom's bed for about a year, personally. Not that that's the right choice, mind you. I just that it's a lot for anyone to handle.
4/13/2007 10:12 AM
Desmama said…
You are being brave, I know that much. I agree that you are not defeated.
4/13/2007 9:01 PM
Mama said…
If it helps, I think the "acceptance" stage really doesn't come until you are in the thick of living your new life.

That's been my experience, anyway. I just sort of look around one day, realize I'm living and things are going well, and discover I've accepted it all.

Now might be a great time to reread this talk - it always strengthens me, somehow.

http://www.lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=9c47dbdcc370c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____
4/14/2007 3:47 PM
Mama said…
Argh - my link flocked up. It's Holland's talk, "Because she is a mother."
4/14/2007 3:48 PM
Anonymous said…
Just to clarify, are you trying to accept this because you think it's ultimately the best decision but it still sucks OR - - -
because you think it's the best decision considering how MF feels?

I ask that only because I can't help but wonder if MF really, TRULY, UNDERSTOOD what this is costing not just him, but YOU, would he re-assess the situation and reconsider.

I also wonder if you've made it crystal clear to him how you REALLY feel, OR - - -
are you like many of us women who sometimes put more energy into being nice than in getting the message across because we don’t want to get angry? This is done with the best of intentions, but sometimes results in the other person not getting the message. They fail to read between the lines of the ‘nice’ discussion because a part of them doesn't want to see it. IF it takes ‘screaming and throwing things' in this case, to express your true feelings, maybe this is one of those times when that’s what you should do!

My concern here is that two beautiful people might suffer needlessly, both thinking they are doing it for the good of the other person.
4/15/2007 1:01 AM
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