Burdens

Today has been an interesting day on the internet. This morning I read this wonderful interview with a woman whose husband came out of the closet and divorced her. Then, later in the day, I read this article about man who came out of the closet, began divorce proceedings, was excommunicated, and committed suicide. It was interesting to read about two very similar situations that met with such completely different ends. The blessing and the curse of the Church seems to be the fact that it is made up of individuals. As individuals we all have the opportunity every day to make the world around us a kinder, more compassionate place, and it makes my heart break when I see people not doing that (myself included). No matter what someone has done, they should never feel as though their only option is to end their own life.
These articles also piqued my interest because of what is going on in my life right now. Back in February, Mr. Fob went on a business trip for a week. I started wondering what was going on when he forgot to call us at night because he was having too much fun there. And then when he got home, he was distant and moody and not happy in the least to see me. Finally after about a week he told me that he had realized that he wanted a divorce and that he was no longer happy in the life we were leading. I'll admit that my first reaction that night was relief, mostly because of the anxiety I had been feeling during the weeks up to that point. I also had a strange feeling of 'otherness' in my initial reaction; as though the words I were saying weren't coming from me directly. I could hear myself saying things, while still be aware that they were strange things for me to say. It was very odd.

Needless to say, after our initial talk I spent several months cycling through disbelief, bargaining, and anger. I tried coming up with the magic words that would somehow change the situation and make things better. We went on a few trips together, even some just by ourselves, and that did nothing for our relationship. I came to realize that love is a decision you have to make every day, and when you stop deciding to love, then the relationship dies.

Mr. Fob is in the process of moving out of our home right now. Next week we sign the papers and file them. It still feels unreal in some ways; this is not the life I thought I was getting. Right now I feel like I am trying to figure out where to go next. I'm negotiating the lines between compassion and codependence, acceptance and numbness, anger and fear and peace. Every hour is different, but at the same time I know deep down inside that I will be all right. I don't know what that means yet, but I do know it.

Comments

Cheryl said…
Love you. Call me, write me; we'll do lunch again. You amaze me, you are stronger than you know! I want to help. I'm not sure how, so if you ever need to talk, need a last-minute sitter, or whatever, please don't hesitate. I'm here for you, babe.
Julie said…
You're a better woman than I, that's why you'll be all right. Lots of thoughts and prayers coming your way!
Recession Cone said…
My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Your optimism in the face of adversity is inspiring. I wish you all the best.
Kristi said…
Oh, man. I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you.
Emily M. said…
You've been on my mind and in my prayers.
Gina said…
I am so sorry.
SeƱora H-B said…
I'm thinking of all of you.
Rachael said…
I'm so sorry, J. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Katya said…
I don't know what to say other than I'll keep you in my prayers.
M said…
Lots of prayers and good wishes will be coming your way from us. I'm so sorry that things are hard, I wish there were some way that anything I could say would help. If you ever need to get away, we've got room and playmates!
eliana23 said…
I don't know you, just read your blog from Segullah. But my heart goes out to you in this hard time. Good luck to you and your family.
Amira said…
I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you too.
Lindsay said…
I'm so sorry! Even in the best of circumstances, this is a hard thing to deal with. You're in my thoughts!
Julie P said…
I've been thinking about you ever since I read this last night. Your attitude impresses me. My prayers are with you and your family, J. You are such a strong woman. I totally felt that from you when I met you at Cheryl's house, and I feel it even more through this post now. I'm so sorry this is the road you are walking right now. May your faith sustain, you, J.
Emma said…
I'm sorry. Even though it may be a relief, and may be the right thing for your family, that doesn't make it easy. I am thinking of you and praying for you.
Jessie said…
Hello friend, we have never met but I have been reading your blog for a while. I wanted to simply say that I am thinking of you and praying that you are feeling loved and supported.
Amigakitty said…
Being married to a gay man causes alot of different emotions. I am so sorry that you are in this difficult situation. Praying for peace and support for you and your family!
Th. said…
.

We'll still be here for you.
Desi said…
So, so sorry to hear this...my thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.
So sorry to hear about this. Love, thoughts and prayers be with you.
kto1s said…
We love you--thoughts and prayers being sent your way.
Lady Steed said…
I wish I was there to give you a hug.
Evelyn Theresa said…
I'm so sorry. I would love to watch your kids or take you out to lunch or even just have a chat on the phone. Whatever is best. You're in my prayers.
Desmama said…
I'm so very sorry. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your kids.
jana said…
Thinking of you and your family right now. Sending strength to you.
rantipoler said…
I'm so sorry, and all I can say is that I love you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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