First of all, a big thank you to everyone who left a comment on my post or who emailed me. I have been wanting to reply personally to many of you, but I just haven't had the time or mental energy for the last few days. I hope to get to that point soon. Please know that I have read all of your messages and I can feel your love.
The biggest question I get from people lately is 'how are you doing?' or 'how are you feeling?' That's a pretty standard question,but I've had such a hard time answering it because I seem to be feeling many things, and sometimes more than one thing all at once.
Fine That's the standard answer and usually one that we give to people who ask the question. I've also been using it to figure out whether people I know in real life have heard anything yet. Some accept my answer and some, like my friend yesterday, invite themselves in for a glass of water and then let me know that they know what's going on and are concerned. The truth is, in some ways, I am 'fine'. I'm not OK with what's happening, but we have a home, we're all healthy, I am employed, and I have enough education to eventually get a good full-time job. There are many reasons why things aren't 'fine', but there are plenty of ways they could be worse.
Angry Well, duh. If I weren't angry right now I'd probably not be human. But the truth is that a lot of the anger has worked its way out of my system during the last few months. Some of it has been taken away simply through prayer. I seem to be OK with the big issues, but I do find myself getting angry at little things, like my printer not cooperating. Obviously it will be a little while before I can say I'm completely at peace.
Sad Again, duh. Of course I'm sad. I'm sad for the kids, especially. They are doing somewhat better than I expected and we've both tried hard to be open in communicating with them and with listening to their feelings. (As far as 'open' we mean simply telling them what is going on and reassuring them that we love them. We haven't explained the reasons 'why' Daddy wants to leave because none of them are old enough to understand.). My house feels lonely at night and I need to do a better job communicating with other adults because I like to talk.
Embarrassed I know I don't have a logical reason for this, and I know that none of this is my 'fault', but I often feel embarrassed, particularly in social situations. It's hard to believe from my blog, but I don't like to talk about my feelings in person and I don't like to draw attention to myself. Going to things like church activities is hard because I feel so conspicuous. Yes, logically I know it's not a big deal and that half the people in the room aren't even paying attention to me, but I have been having feelings of embarrassment because I hate being the object of attention, fuss, or pity.
Empowered I hope no one misunderstands me, but there are some moments when I feel free and strong. Overall, being married was mostly pleasant, but there were also some very hard things. There were issues in our relationship that were difficult and stressful, and a part of me is glad to not have to deal with them anymore.
Happy Yes, happy. Not all the time, not at all. But life has been good lately too. The kids are sweet and P. Bibby learns something new every day. There have also been some rather weirdly absurd moments lately; the kind where you can either choose to laugh or cry. Like the other day when we had to drive up to get our final documents to pick up and turn into the court. It was already a little weird because I was driving Mr. Fob's car because he is still taking painkillers to treat the shingles attack he's had for the last three weeks. After we signed the papers and got back in the car, Alanis Morissette came on the CD player singing "Let's Fall in Love". That was a little surreal.
I think what I usually answer is "I'm hanging in there." Because I am. Minute by minute. Day by day. That's the only way to do it and that's the best I can do.