Today I was Awesome

Last night I went to bed late, and then stayed up even later reading. The book wasn't even that good, but it was short-ish and I wanted to finish. When my alarm rang this morning I began to regret the fact that I had once thought getting Bountiful Baskets would be a good idea. However, I decided to get up and get moving. I started by going to pick up my produce. I am more than prepared for Thanksgiving next week.

After I got home from picking up the produce I almost went back to bed. It's Saturday and the kids were at their dad's house until this afternoon. But I had made plans and I wanted to stick with them. I spent the morning cooking up a bunch of food to put in the freezer; I made chicken and wild rice soup; butternut squash soup; meatballs; and calico beans. It doesn't sound like a lot, but I only get to cook about half the days of the week and I have a few other things in the freezer. I took a break in the middle to run to Target for some groceries. Now I don't have to figure out what's for dinner or stress about cooking it for an entire month.

While I was at Target I picked up a new windshield wiper for my car. Then I came home and installed it myself. Go me. My car also had the 'tire pressure' light on, so when I went to Costco this afternoon I stopped by the tire center to see if I could get some help with figuring out the problem. The super nice guy working there showed me how to use their cool air pump that has a built-in digital pressure gauge. I checked all four tires and filled them up. I felt so awesome doing it. I love Costco.

After I ran errands and cooked all day, I picked up the kids and took them to their cousin's birthday party tonight. Surprisingly, P-Bibby was the one who enjoyed it the most. A crowded bowling alley and a bunch of hyper 9 and 10 year old boys were kind of intimidating to the other two. P-Bibby danced to the music, ate an entire slice of pizza, a million grapes, and a whole cupcake. She thought it was awesome. I thought that I was an awesome mom because I did not have a nervous breakdown.

Now I'm going to be awesome by putting myself to bed on time. Maybe I'll get up and make pancakes so I can keep my awesome streak going.

Tonight's Brain Dump

I have been forcing myself to get more sleep for the past few nights and I'm feeling a lot better. I also realized yesterday why I was in such a bad mood for the few days before that. This kind of thing happens once a month, and has for the last 20 years, so you'd think I'd figure it out by now.

We have a copy of this book on the new book display, and every time I look at it I feel a little thrill. That guy's tight pants are sexy! I'm beginning to understand why people sometimes go a little crazy after a relationship ends. It's been nearly a year without any physical affection in my life and I definitely miss it. Not that I'm planning on going out and doing anything stupid, but it is a bit tempting. (And no, I'm not going to read the book. It's probably not as exciting as the cover)

On a somewhat related note, one disadvantage of living in a college town is that many of the cute guys around here are a lot younger than me. I don't feel that old, but sometimes I'll realize that the hot guy I just noticed is only about 22 or 23, and then I feel lame. Yikes.

Um, moving on to another topic. My new favorite treat is maple-flavored yogurt from Brown Cow. Cream-top yogurt is probably not the healthiest treat in the world, but it's better than candy, right? Brown Cow also makes a really tasty chocolate flavor that is good for satisfying cravings.

Remember how I talked about buying art if I won money on Jeopardy? I didn't win that much money, but I realized today that I could still buy myself a painting. I just might do that. I still haven't figured out what I want to do with my money. I know that it would be best to do something practical, like make a big payment on my student loan, but I'd rather just do something fun. I don't know what yet. I've thought of getting a nicer digital camera, a new bike, a playground for the kids in the backyard, decent bookshelves for the basement, and even laser hair removal for my face so I don't have a mustache anymore. So many possibilities!

I think I'm over-tired and I should go to bed.

So Much for NaBloPoMo

I had thought of doing NaBloPoMo this month but never really committed myself to doing it. I thought it might be a good kick in the pants to get me blogging again, but it didn't really work. Lately I've had a hard time committing to anything; everything feels off-kilter and I need to get my life back on solid footing again. During the last week I started 3 different books before giving up and taking them back to the library. My fridge is full of food because I keep changing my mind at the grocery store. For so long I thought I had things planned out and I thought I knew who I was and what my life was like, and now I have no idea.

It also doesn't help that I've had a nasty head cold that has been coming and going for nearly two weeks now. Some days my throat is so sore I can barely speak, other days my eyes itch and my nose runs, and on other days I feel fine. I keep thinking that the worst is over and I have recovered, but then it turns out that I am sick again the next day. I know part of the problem is the fact that I have not been sleeping enough lately. Even though I know I need to sleep more, for some reason when life gets hard I don't like to go to bed. I may be tired but getting in bed seems impossible for some reason. I need to figure out how to get around that weird quirk of my psyche.

Yesterday they called to offer me the job I had interviewed for last week. I turned them down. I hate to turn down a job, but I can't do it for the pay they are offering. If I were in a position to sell my home and move somewhere that was closer to the job and cheaper, I would. But I've decided that keeping my home and providing stability for my children is one of my priorities. Now I just keep praying to find the right job for me. There aren't a lot of good options out there right now. This is when I wished I lived in a country that offered things like subsidized health care and child care, because I love my job right now and would stay here forever if I had benefits.

On the more positive front, I did have a wonderful day yesterday. My parents and youngest brother are in town for a few days. The kids love having them visit, and last night we went on a grown-ups only outing to Tucanos and then a show by Living Legends. It was great. I love having visitors. Now I just need to get some sleep and get over this stupid cold so I can enjoy the rest of their visit.

A Bird in the Hand

Yesterday morning I interviewed for a job. This is one of the first times I have even gotten an interview for anything I've applied for (in fact, the last time was the job I now have at the library). It looks like a good job, and I have a feeling that they will be calling me back some time next week. Now I just have to make a decision and I'm trying to decide what to do among my many options:

1. Stay with the jobs I have now. I work part-time at the library and I teach college part-time. The advantages to this are that I only go to work about 30 hours a week, they pay is good, and my hours are somewhat flexible. I also love working at the library and thinking of leaving there makes me sad. The disadvantages to this situation are my lack of health insurance, my unpredictable schedule, the fact that I have to work evenings and Saturdays, and the fact that I don't really like teaching. Not only that, but any free time I do have tends to get sucked up by lesson plans and grading papers.

2. Take the job I interviewed for yesterday. It looks like a fun place to work, the dress code is fairly casual, and the hours are flexible. I won't have to work Saturdays or evenings unless I want to. After the first 3 months I am eligible for insurance, but I think I would have to pay for it from my paycheck. They also offer tuition reimbursement after a year of employment as well as sick leave and paid time off. This job is working with a library software company, and I would get valuable training that I could use to move on to a better job some day. The first problem with this scenario is that the office is somewhat far away--I'd be looking at a 30-40 minute round-trip total of commuting time everyday. Do I want to waste that much time and gas? The main problem with this job is that the pay is really low. Like, I'm not sure if I can physically handle that low of pay. My housing costs are pretty fixed and I can't sell the house, plus I don't want to. I feel like the kids' stability is important and I love our neighborhood.

3. Keep looking for and applying for other jobs. There are two universities and several other major companies in the area that offer good pay and benefits. I might be able to get something with better pay and benefits, and longer-term stability. However, I might not. My work experience for the last 10 years is pretty spotty and I know that competition is fierce for jobs at the moment. I really don't have as much to offer as many candidates, and I have so far not even gotten so much as an interview for the jobs that I thought I was reasonably qualified for.

Right now I'm doing fine with the two part-time jobs that I have, but I do feel a bit exhausted by the schedule. That will change at both jobs in January and perhaps it will be more reasonable, but the extra work of teaching will never go away. I also feel nervous about being in a 'temporary' part-time situation with no benefits; there's a part of me that just wants to be on a settled career track. The thought of working full-time and having to figure out child care during the day (and what do I do in the summer?!) freaks me out, but I know that I need to do something different. It's just so hard to figure out which choice is the best one.

Reading Roundup: October 2011

The Wilder Life: My Adventures in the Lost World of Little House on the Prairie by Wendy McClure

I read all of Laura Ingalls' books as a kid, multiple times, so I was the perfect reader for this book. I had a lot of fun reading about the author's experiences trying to learn more about Laura and about life on the frontier. I also thought it was interesting to reflect on how our childhood experiences with reading influence the rest of our lives.

Daughter of Helaman by Misty Moncur

This book was much better than I had expected it to be (and based on the cover--the design is definitely not my favorite). I did wonder how much of Heather Moore's Book of Mormon books the author had read simply because there seemed to be many similarities between the books; that could be simply due to using the same sources on ancient Meso-America for inspiration. I did like the characters quite a lot but thought the book was lacking strength in plot development. I also dislike books that seem to obviously be setting up a sequel.

Turn of Mind by Alice LaPlante

This book was so well-written that it ended up being exhausting to read. I really loved the central idea of the book: a murder mystery retold from the point of view of a woman who is suffering from dementia. The story was well-done and I was surprised by the ending, but I also felt frustrated because I didn't like or understand most of the main characters. I don't know how much of that is due to the fact that they are revealed slowly and in fragments, or if they are just truly incomprehensible.

Dreams of Joy by Lisa See

After Shanghai Girls ended so abruptly I put this book on hold and endured weeks of endless waiting. This book ups the ante as far as perilous, horrific situations go, and it covers a shorter period of time, but I enjoyed it just as much. The action was compelling and the characters were written in a way that kept me caring about them through to the end. If you are looking for a good, action-packed historical novel (or two), read Shanghai Girls and then this one. And then be very grateful for your life right now.

Maphead: Charting the Wide, Weird World of Geography Wonks by Ken Jennings

I had a blast reading this book--I'm sure it helps that I am a 'maphead' too and that I know Ken and his family (man, I really need to take another trip to Seattle to visit my friends), but even if I didn't like either maps or the Jennings' family, I probably still would have loved this book. It is a great combination of fun facts and personal narrative. If you don't love geography before reading this book, you will when you are done.

Silver Sparrow by Tayari Jones

This is another book that I read because the plot sounded so interesting to me. The first half is told from the point of view of a girl who is the 'outside' daughter of a bigamist; the second half is told from the point of view of his other daughter. Of course, their worlds inevitably collide and the fallout is brutal. I thought the strength in this book was the characterization, especially since we get to see each of the characters both from within and from the viewpoint of multiple people.

Abundance

Now that Halloween is behind us and November has started, I feel like I'm staring straight down the barrel of the holiday season. I love Thanksgiving and I love Christmas, but they can also be stressful. I've also already started feeling sad because those holidays, especially Christmas, used to mean a lot of spousal love and togetherness--things that I don't have anymore. I was in the storage room tonight getting something and I noticed the wrapping paper, and I realized that I'll be wrapping the kids' presents alone this year. Maybe I should buy blue wrapping paper in honor of the occasion.

Christmas every year always brings up mixed feelings for me when it comes to gifts. I've always struggled with buying good gifts for people, and I always struggle with the fact that I feel like a grinch when I realize that we don't need anything. I know gifts are not about need, but it feels silly to ask for anything when we have so much. I look around at the cupboard overflowing with art supplies, the closet full of games and puzzles, the bookshelves in the basement that are usually passed over in favor of new offerings from the library, the overflowing bins of stuffed animals and dress-up clothes, the drawers full of Barbies that S-Boogie never plays with. Every year we try and give the kids something new and exciting and it seems like a crapshoot because most of the time it ends up being something that will be played with for a day and tossed aside. We have some toys that are still loved and cherished after 7 years, and yet we also have large amounts of stuff.

And yet, even though gift giving is not my love language, I know it is for some people. For S-Boogie's first birthday we tried asking people to bring food for the party instead of presents. We ended up with a bunch of toys and no food. Some people really like buying things for other people (it tends to give me panic attacks). I know the kids like to receive gifts from people, even if they are the type of cheap things that break after an hour. Gifts are a way to show people that we love them, and as much as the materialism makes me feel ill, I know that Christmas morning without any presents would just be wrong.

I guess I just don't know what to do. I hope my kids can see that they really have an abundant life. There are things we would like to have, but in general we are comfortable and have the things we need. As I do every year I hope we can make this Christmas about being together with our family and doing things for other people, not just about buying each other stuff.