Tomorrow starts a new year; I still can't believe it is 2012. My brain is in a bit of a time warp and has a hard time accepting the fact that we have moved past 1999. Obviously if I look in the mirror or realize that I have an eight-year-old, I can see the passage of time. It's just hard to understand that I have come to the point in my life where I feel much younger than I look.
This is also a natural time to reflect on the past year and look forward to the next one. As most people would probably guess, 2011 was not really my favorite year. I think it could have been a great year; we had a nice home, good jobs, stable income, healthy growing kids, opportunities for travel, and so on. I guess it goes to show that the external trappings of your life are not what define you or what can make you happy. Yesterday as I was glancing through the 2011 calendar my stomach dropped when I looked at a note in January marking the business trip Mr. Fob went on. I know now that the trip was not really the catalyst for what happened, but I still can't think of that week with any happiness at all. It's easy to divide my life into "before" and "after". It's also fairly easy to look at my blog and see when I decided to stop talking about my life. I think I spent most of 2011 hiding from people and from myself. One of my goals for next year is not to do that.
I am looking forward to a new year with optimism. I expect good things. I still have some things in my life that I am sad about, but in my core I feel peace. I feel strong. I miss my old life in many ways and I miss the person I used to be (and I especially miss the life my kids could have had), but I am also determined not to let that define who I am or who I can be. In 2012 I want to be an optimist. I want to be a kind and charitable person who reaches out to help others. I want to be a good friend and family member. I know that when you are setting goals it is better to set specific, measurable goals. I don't feel like doing that this year. My main goal is to look back at 2012 and to be able to say that I am sad to see it go.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Off Balance
I read 10 books in November. I knew I had been reading a lot, but the number surprised me when I added them all up. Reading books is good, right? I've usually thought so and I've spent most of my life proudly identifying myself as a reader. However, a few years ago I was talking with a therapist and he asked me what hobbies I had. "I read," I responded. "What else?" he asked. I was surprised--isn't reading good? Isn't it virtuous? Aren't I better person because I read a lot? Well, as he gently pointed out, even reading can be a problem if it is being used as an escape from life or when it crowds out other more important things. Sometimes reading is best, but sometimes it's just good and there might be something better.
I realized that this was what happened last month. Many of those books were finished in the wee hours of the night when I should have been sleeping. Or during other times when I should have been doing other things. I set a goal last month to get to bed at a reasonable hour in order to get sufficient sleep, and I didn't meet that goal any night in a month. That's a problem; insufficient sleep wreaks havoc with the rest of my life. As much as I love reading, I also am realizing that I need to make room for other things like being well-rested, being patient with my kids, exercising, completing my school things on time, and so on.
So I think one of my New Year's resolutions will be to read fewer books. Weird, I know. But this will take more willpower than many other things I could do. I want to try more things and to diversify my life more. We'll see how it goes.
I realized that this was what happened last month. Many of those books were finished in the wee hours of the night when I should have been sleeping. Or during other times when I should have been doing other things. I set a goal last month to get to bed at a reasonable hour in order to get sufficient sleep, and I didn't meet that goal any night in a month. That's a problem; insufficient sleep wreaks havoc with the rest of my life. As much as I love reading, I also am realizing that I need to make room for other things like being well-rested, being patient with my kids, exercising, completing my school things on time, and so on.
So I think one of my New Year's resolutions will be to read fewer books. Weird, I know. But this will take more willpower than many other things I could do. I want to try more things and to diversify my life more. We'll see how it goes.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Reading Roundup: November 2011
State of Wonder by Ann Patchett
Patchett's books are always hard to explain; the plots sound like they are belong to action thrillers, but the writing is much more quiet and introspective. Either way, I love them and I find myself drawn in to the world she creates so fully that I am sad when I finish the book.
The Central Park Five
This book felt a bit superficial (it is fairly short) and it does not cover all aspects of the crime or its victim. However, I did feel that it still provided important insights, not only into the police procedures but also into the culture of New York City at the time the crime occurred. I also felt like I could finally understand why someone might confess to a crime they didn’t commit, and why the attack still plays such a big role in American culture even though what most people think they know about it is wrong.
What the Dead Know by Laura Lippman
I checked this out of the library when I wanted something quick and easy that I could escape with. I've never been disappointed by Lippman when it comes to reading a well-written mystery that keeps you reading without insulting your intelligence as a reader.
Abish: Mother of Faith by K.C. Grant
I wanted to like this book, and I think it has some strengths, but I was distracted by the sloppy editing, the densely convoluted plot and characters, and the fact that it was obviously a sequel to a book I hadn't read before and should have read before this one. I think it had potential and I really liked the author's characterization of Abish, but I felt that it fell short.
Patchett's books are always hard to explain; the plots sound like they are belong to action thrillers, but the writing is much more quiet and introspective. Either way, I love them and I find myself drawn in to the world she creates so fully that I am sad when I finish the book.
The Central Park Five
This book felt a bit superficial (it is fairly short) and it does not cover all aspects of the crime or its victim. However, I did feel that it still provided important insights, not only into the police procedures but also into the culture of New York City at the time the crime occurred. I also felt like I could finally understand why someone might confess to a crime they didn’t commit, and why the attack still plays such a big role in American culture even though what most people think they know about it is wrong.
What the Dead Know by Laura Lippman
I checked this out of the library when I wanted something quick and easy that I could escape with. I've never been disappointed by Lippman when it comes to reading a well-written mystery that keeps you reading without insulting your intelligence as a reader.
Abish: Mother of Faith by K.C. Grant
I wanted to like this book, and I think it has some strengths, but I was distracted by the sloppy editing, the densely convoluted plot and characters, and the fact that it was obviously a sequel to a book I hadn't read before and should have read before this one. I think it had potential and I really liked the author's characterization of Abish, but I felt that it fell short.
The Panic Virus by Seth Mnookin
This is one of those books that I have been talking up to everyone I know. The writing is clear and easy to understand, and the author has obviously thoroughly researched his subject in a comprehensive way. I also liked that he does not just cover the history of vaccines and the controversy surrounding them, but he also explores things like the problems with news coverage of scientific studies, how we understand and evaluate information, and what influences the choices we make.
This is one of those books that I have been talking up to everyone I know. The writing is clear and easy to understand, and the author has obviously thoroughly researched his subject in a comprehensive way. I also liked that he does not just cover the history of vaccines and the controversy surrounding them, but he also explores things like the problems with news coverage of scientific studies, how we understand and evaluate information, and what influences the choices we make.
This Beautiful Life by Helen Schulman
This book has an interesting premise and the writing is very good. However, the book left me feeling frustrated and I felt that the ending was weak in comparison to the rest of the book. The book is about the ways in which people miscommunicate with each other and let each other down, and it can be hard to read about people making stupid choices and not doing anything to correct their mistakes.
The Professor and the Madman by Simon Winchester
This was our book club pick for the month, and so it was good to finally get around to reading it since it's been on my 'to-read' list for years. I thought it was an intriguing story but there were times when the writing failed to keep my interest. I felt that some times the author gave too much information and in other places he gave too little.
The Summer I Learned to Fly by Dana Reinhardt
This was another quick read, since it is a relatively short YA book. I liked it; it is a sweet tale about growing up and learning more about yourself and the world around you. And it's about a 13-year-old girl in California in the mid-1980s who has a pet rat, so I think I was destined to read it.
The Things We Cherished by Pam Jenoff
This book was a great read; the plot is a nice mix of romance and mystery and really keeps you reading until the end. The chapters switch back and forth between the past and the present, and that can get confusing at times. I also thought the back story was more interesting and better-written than the contemporary parts of the book
The Beast in the Garden by David Baron
This book felt like a nice cross between a true crime book and nature writing. I did not know much about cougars in the west before reading it and I thought the author did a good job of being thorough and balanced. I would love to see a follow-up to some of the issues he raises, since this book covers events that now happened twenty years ago.
Movies
Taking Chance
I was not expecting to like this movie as much as I did. I was worried that it would be cheesy and it really wasn't. It is surprisingly powerful despite the fact that the events it covers are, unfortunately, rather routine.
This book has an interesting premise and the writing is very good. However, the book left me feeling frustrated and I felt that the ending was weak in comparison to the rest of the book. The book is about the ways in which people miscommunicate with each other and let each other down, and it can be hard to read about people making stupid choices and not doing anything to correct their mistakes.
The Professor and the Madman by Simon Winchester
This was our book club pick for the month, and so it was good to finally get around to reading it since it's been on my 'to-read' list for years. I thought it was an intriguing story but there were times when the writing failed to keep my interest. I felt that some times the author gave too much information and in other places he gave too little.
The Summer I Learned to Fly by Dana Reinhardt
This was another quick read, since it is a relatively short YA book. I liked it; it is a sweet tale about growing up and learning more about yourself and the world around you. And it's about a 13-year-old girl in California in the mid-1980s who has a pet rat, so I think I was destined to read it.
The Things We Cherished by Pam Jenoff
This book was a great read; the plot is a nice mix of romance and mystery and really keeps you reading until the end. The chapters switch back and forth between the past and the present, and that can get confusing at times. I also thought the back story was more interesting and better-written than the contemporary parts of the book
The Beast in the Garden by David Baron
This book felt like a nice cross between a true crime book and nature writing. I did not know much about cougars in the west before reading it and I thought the author did a good job of being thorough and balanced. I would love to see a follow-up to some of the issues he raises, since this book covers events that now happened twenty years ago.
Movies
Taking Chance
I was not expecting to like this movie as much as I did. I was worried that it would be cheesy and it really wasn't. It is surprisingly powerful despite the fact that the events it covers are, unfortunately, rather routine.
Black Swan
I rarely regret watching movies, but I don't think this one was worth my time. I think I just wasn't in the right mood, but it was a little too weird and crazy for my taste.
I rarely regret watching movies, but I don't think this one was worth my time. I think I just wasn't in the right mood, but it was a little too weird and crazy for my taste.
Thursday, December 08, 2011
A Day for Yes
If you are not offended by a bit of profanity, click here for a very funny commentary on life.
If you didn't click on the link, it's a post about how it is easy to sit around not doing much except for those days when you get a burst of energy and decide to clean and take care of bills and answer emails; you know, all those things that responsible adults should do. Although I think I'm usually pretty responsible, largely because I have kids and I have a job with set hours, there are definitely a lot of areas of my life that feel like that. Sometimes I feel like I do the bare minimum and shove anything I can get away with over to the side to be dealt with in some future, nebulous "later".
I was realizing the other day that, in some ways, the ease of modern living encourages inertia and sloth. Because the necessary tasks of feeding, sheltering, and clothing my family take relatively little effort, it is easy to make the rest of my life take little effort as well. I wonder if I would be so lazy about doing my laundry if I had to go pound it on rocks down by the river; because it doesn't take much effort to throw it in the machine, add soap, and turn it on, my life has a relatively high amount of 'extra' time. I'm sure those ladies who have to wash their laundry in the river or who have to haul water would love to have the luxury of 'extra' time, but I have realized that since I do have that blessing I really need to use it for better things. (I also wonder whether I'd be the kind of person who would just wear dirty clothes all the time if it took that much effort to wash them).
On days when I force myself to start doing things that need to be done, rather than hiding in a book or browsing on the internet, I feel good about myself and actually accomplish more. It just takes a little push.The other day I made a list of errands that I needed to accomplish. They were all small things, but together they felt overwhelming. I also prefer to run errands without kids when I can, and most weeks I do have time when my kids are with their dad and I can do this. However, this was not one of those weeks. I wanted to put things off and spend this morning lazily sitting around the house. Instead, I packed up Little Dude and P.Bibby and we went to Lowes to return a defective tree stand, the pet store to get some fish food, Kohls to try and find Little Dude some dress shoes (we got P.Bibby some clothes instead), and the mall for shoes at Payless. When we were at the mall Little Dude asked for lunch from Chick-Fil-A, so I said yes, because it really was the most convenient option. And while the three of us were sharing our nuggets and fries, I realized that we were spending time together and that the kids had not been whining or fighting all morning. And that I was getting things done so I could feel better about myself. Yes, driving to the store for fish food or kids shoes is not as heroic as walking a mile to pound my clothes on a rock, but it was making me feel overwhelmed anyways and I'm glad I overcame my inertia to do it.
If you didn't click on the link, it's a post about how it is easy to sit around not doing much except for those days when you get a burst of energy and decide to clean and take care of bills and answer emails; you know, all those things that responsible adults should do. Although I think I'm usually pretty responsible, largely because I have kids and I have a job with set hours, there are definitely a lot of areas of my life that feel like that. Sometimes I feel like I do the bare minimum and shove anything I can get away with over to the side to be dealt with in some future, nebulous "later".
I was realizing the other day that, in some ways, the ease of modern living encourages inertia and sloth. Because the necessary tasks of feeding, sheltering, and clothing my family take relatively little effort, it is easy to make the rest of my life take little effort as well. I wonder if I would be so lazy about doing my laundry if I had to go pound it on rocks down by the river; because it doesn't take much effort to throw it in the machine, add soap, and turn it on, my life has a relatively high amount of 'extra' time. I'm sure those ladies who have to wash their laundry in the river or who have to haul water would love to have the luxury of 'extra' time, but I have realized that since I do have that blessing I really need to use it for better things. (I also wonder whether I'd be the kind of person who would just wear dirty clothes all the time if it took that much effort to wash them).
On days when I force myself to start doing things that need to be done, rather than hiding in a book or browsing on the internet, I feel good about myself and actually accomplish more. It just takes a little push.The other day I made a list of errands that I needed to accomplish. They were all small things, but together they felt overwhelming. I also prefer to run errands without kids when I can, and most weeks I do have time when my kids are with their dad and I can do this. However, this was not one of those weeks. I wanted to put things off and spend this morning lazily sitting around the house. Instead, I packed up Little Dude and P.Bibby and we went to Lowes to return a defective tree stand, the pet store to get some fish food, Kohls to try and find Little Dude some dress shoes (we got P.Bibby some clothes instead), and the mall for shoes at Payless. When we were at the mall Little Dude asked for lunch from Chick-Fil-A, so I said yes, because it really was the most convenient option. And while the three of us were sharing our nuggets and fries, I realized that we were spending time together and that the kids had not been whining or fighting all morning. And that I was getting things done so I could feel better about myself. Yes, driving to the store for fish food or kids shoes is not as heroic as walking a mile to pound my clothes on a rock, but it was making me feel overwhelmed anyways and I'm glad I overcame my inertia to do it.
Saturday, December 03, 2011
Wookin' Pa Nub
(If you haven't seen "Buckwheat sings", you should click here )
A few months ago I was reading a blog discussion about how long people who are divorced should wait before they start dating again. Interestingly, some people who responded were bothered by anything that seemed like it was 'too soon'. There is apparently a lot of judgement out there about how people who divorce should act or not act after the fact. Even a few months ago I wasn't sure I wanted to date again any time soon.
Even though it's only been a few months since things were official, I think I do want to try dating. Part of me feels excited by it. The thought of meeting new people and doing fun things together is appealing. The other part of me feels scared. There are a lot of strange people out there and I don't know if I'll find anyone who appeals to me. I also don't know if I will appeal to anyone either. I don't have a lot of dating experience. As I explained a long time ago in this post, Mr. Fob was really the first person to ask me out and the only person I've really had a relationship with. But, I feel like I am a different person than I was ten years ago and I have a lot more life experience so maybe dating will be a little better this time around.
I have been trying two different dating sites online during the last few weeks. I've decided to try looking online because I'm not sure how else to meet other single people my age. I'm also on the internet a lot and I feel comfortable communicating online with people. I first signed up for LDS-Singles; I like that they make searching and matching up with people easy, but so far I haven't really found many people that catch my interest. A few people I know suggested that I try OK Cupid, and I signed up there earlier this week. So far I'm liking it quite a lot. It does seem to be harder to sift through people to find ones that are a good fit for me, but there is a wider variety of guys on there and the amount of information you can submit makes it easier to find compatible matches.
I find it interesting that I'm mostly finding people a little younger than me or significantly older than me. I've also been surprised by the number of guys in their early thirties that are just finishing up college or going back to school. I've also decided that I don't like the guys who can't spell, who don't like to read (duh), or who message me little impersonal things like "I like your smile". That's creepy. So far I'm having fun and I've even messaged a few people to see if I can get to know them better. That's the step that mystifies me the most--what do I do then? I don't want to be too pushy but I also don't want to miss out on a chance. Maybe during the next little while something will click and I will actually go on a date. If I do, and I don't die from nervousness, I will report back here on how it went.
A few months ago I was reading a blog discussion about how long people who are divorced should wait before they start dating again. Interestingly, some people who responded were bothered by anything that seemed like it was 'too soon'. There is apparently a lot of judgement out there about how people who divorce should act or not act after the fact. Even a few months ago I wasn't sure I wanted to date again any time soon.
Even though it's only been a few months since things were official, I think I do want to try dating. Part of me feels excited by it. The thought of meeting new people and doing fun things together is appealing. The other part of me feels scared. There are a lot of strange people out there and I don't know if I'll find anyone who appeals to me. I also don't know if I will appeal to anyone either. I don't have a lot of dating experience. As I explained a long time ago in this post, Mr. Fob was really the first person to ask me out and the only person I've really had a relationship with. But, I feel like I am a different person than I was ten years ago and I have a lot more life experience so maybe dating will be a little better this time around.
I have been trying two different dating sites online during the last few weeks. I've decided to try looking online because I'm not sure how else to meet other single people my age. I'm also on the internet a lot and I feel comfortable communicating online with people. I first signed up for LDS-Singles; I like that they make searching and matching up with people easy, but so far I haven't really found many people that catch my interest. A few people I know suggested that I try OK Cupid, and I signed up there earlier this week. So far I'm liking it quite a lot. It does seem to be harder to sift through people to find ones that are a good fit for me, but there is a wider variety of guys on there and the amount of information you can submit makes it easier to find compatible matches.
I find it interesting that I'm mostly finding people a little younger than me or significantly older than me. I've also been surprised by the number of guys in their early thirties that are just finishing up college or going back to school. I've also decided that I don't like the guys who can't spell, who don't like to read (duh), or who message me little impersonal things like "I like your smile". That's creepy. So far I'm having fun and I've even messaged a few people to see if I can get to know them better. That's the step that mystifies me the most--what do I do then? I don't want to be too pushy but I also don't want to miss out on a chance. Maybe during the next little while something will click and I will actually go on a date. If I do, and I don't die from nervousness, I will report back here on how it went.
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