Sturm und Drang

The weather has been weird for the last few weeks--we've been having a lot of muggy mornings followed by massive thunderstorms in the afternoon. About 10 days ago we had a crazy microburst that caused a lot of flooding around the neighborhood (thankfully my basement stayed dry). Things have been rather unsettled, but we are slowly creepy towards fall. I love watching the trees slowly turning colors and feeling the air cool off a little each day. On Sunday I distracted the kids from the fact that we didn't have a lot of good food options in the house by packing a random picnic and driving us up into the canyon for dinner. They love getting outside and I need to take advantage of our proximity to the mountains more often. 

The last few months have been somewhat unsettling for me too. I've been in my new job for almost five months now and am finally starting to feel more comfortable in my role. I think I underestimated how big a transition in workplace atmosphere and job type I would need to make. Most of the changes are positive--it's just hard to adjust to something completely different, especially since this is my third job in the last two years. I've also stepped back from some of my extra-curricular activities in order to give myself more time and mental energy for school and parenting. Again, this is a good thing, but transitions are hard. I feel like my life has been one big transition for the last few years and I'm getting tired. 

I've also had a few unpleasant encounters the last few months that, combined with my new job, have left me feeling vulnerable and less confident in myself. Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and conflict are hard for me. Like most people, I don't like being told that I'm wrong or that I have behaved badly. But sometimes I have, and once I get over the hurt I can make necessary changes to be a better person and to get along better with other people. Sometimes it's hard to tell, though, if I need to change or if the problem lies in other people. I am not very self-aware and I'm also somewhat naively optimistic and assume that everyone has good intentions in what they do and say. Sometimes I have a hard time dealing with people who assume otherwise, or who don't have good intentions and try to manipulate me. I can also be pretty judgmental when people aren't doing the things the way I would do them--one goal I keep having for myself is to listen more and to suggest less. We'll see how that goes. 

I have also spent the last year (gosh that's a long time) spending way too much of my mental energy dealing with a crush I have had on a friend of mine. We get along well and hang out quite a bit, and I have often wondered if there was any mutual attraction. Finally, the other night I decided to just get up the guts to ask him if he wanted to go on a date with me. He declined. He explained that, though he could tell I was interested in more, he just saw me as a friend. On the one hand, I do feel a bit sad about this. On the other hand, I actually don't. I feel a lot less stressed out knowing where we stand. And I'm glad that we were honest, and polite, with each other. I am proud of myself for achieving good, basic, mature adult conversation about feelings and being a grown-up about the fact that I still have a friendship with a cool person (even though I still think he's pretty cute). Go me.

Well, that's a little snapshot of my life right now. It sounds a lot like my life has been for the last few years. Up, down, up, down, up, down. I was sick with a virus for the last few days that made me feel awful--not just physically, but mentally too. I felt like I was surrounded by dementors convincing me that life was terrible; thankfully this morning my fever broke and I feel quite a bit better about things. Now I just need to get more sleep (someday I promise to stop saying that on here, I promise!).


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