Writer's Block

I'm forcing myself to write this post. Almost every night, after I get the kids in bed and tidy the house, I sit down at the computer to catch up news and blogs and do my homework. Too often, instead of homework or writing or something productive, I end up scrolling through Facebook again and again, hoping someone will update something. Then I hop over to BuzzFeed and mindlessly read through a bunch of posts, most of which have the same jokes and the same GIFs I've seen a bunch of times before. I have a lot of ideas for writing in my mind and yet I never seem to take the time to write them down. Not only have I been neglecting this personal blog, I've also had a hard time getting things up on Segullah lately and I always feel guilty about that. Additionally, I should be more dedicated to my homework--I've been getting by in my classes, but I'm not very dedicated.

I realized the other day that I'm scared of writing. When I think about sitting down to write, I feel fear. It's weird. I agreed to writing an essay for an upcoming anthology and it has been very difficult. Just writing the thing made me freak out, and that first draft really wasn't very good. Revising has been torture--I need to go through the draft again because I have received some good feedback from two friends who I trust and who are solid writers. And yet, the idea of reading what I wrote makes me want to run away screaming. I just can't handle it.

Other things that make me feel the same sort of fear are changing my habits like going to bed earlier, exercising, and getting into a more consistent scripture study routine. There's one part of me that keeps yearning for positive change--and another bigger part of me that keeps freaking out and wants to just keep eating sugar while staying up late reading fluffy stuff on the internet instead of doing anything productive or substantial.

At the end of last summer I wrote a post about how I really wasn't doing that well. Last fall I spent several months in therapy and it really helped a lot. I've also read some great books by Brene Brown and a few other books that have helped give me some insights into my particular struggles and some ideas for change. However, I'm still having a hard time putting my ideas for change into practice. And I feel like a bit of a broken record here on this blog because I think I've written a number of posts with this same theme during the last few years. I don't know yet if I need to go cold turkey with change, change a bunch of things at once, and/or make some small positive changes. I'm still figuring this out.

One thing that has been clanging around in my head for a while has been the phrase "be a producer not a consumer". I think that is something I need to focus on. When I am anxious I want to consume. I bite my nails, eat all kinds of sugar, mindlessly read books or stuff on the internet. I don't want to have to deal with producing things like opinions that someone might read and judge me for--it's safer and more comforting to just sit back and take things in. To change that, my new small goal will be to set aside some writing time for the blog a few days a week. I may or not publish everything I write, but I will write something. Also, I will make a goal to not just write another navel-gazing post about why I'm not writing or what my latest neurosis is--this blog has plenty of those already.


Desmama said…
Have you thought about Gretchen Rubin's new book "Better Than Before"? I haven't read it but I've really liked her other stuff and I'm anxious to read this one (after I get through all the others I'm anxious to read too . . . so much to read, so little time). I know it's about habits and creating positive ones and keeping them, and it's getting really good reviews, so it might be worth looking into. If you do read it, I'll be interested to hear what you think.

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