This Time is a Gift
Remember when I started this blog and S-Boogie was only two? And she was my only kid? Tonight she got in a car and drove herself and her two siblings over to her dad's house. It was weird. She doesn't have her own car and probably won't for a while (I can't even afford paying for my own car, let alone a second one). This weekend she borrowed her dad's car since she went on a date and also to a party with friends. It was easier for her to borrow a car than to use mine and leave us here at home without one.
Somehow my kids all grew up and I'm suddenly the parent of two teenagers and a kid who is only six months away from a double-digit birthday. We're talking about dating and jobs and college and AP classes. Two weeks ago I threw out all the old Play-Doh and recycled the coloring books, and no one cared. I thought that maybe P would care, but she just shrugged a little and went back to reading Harry Potter.
For the past few summers we have decided to save money we would have spent on a nanny and have the kids just spend their time at Mr. Fob's house. They come back here for dinner several nights a week and still do every other weekend as well. It seems to be a good arrangement since they are too old for a babysitter, but still need to be in a house with an adult present to help them out as needed. Despite the fact that I was at work every day during the summer, I still felt a little sad and lost this year. The mornings without children were a nice break, but my house seemed lonely without them really living here.
I felt the same way when they drove away tonight--the same mixed feelings of relief at having a break, while also missing having them around. Even though lately when they are home, everyone just retreats to their rooms to read or play computer games. I seem to feel more structure and purpose when the kids are here. Child-free Sundays are kind of hard for me because I don't want to watch TV or do many of my usual activities because I want the Sabbath to feel different.
However, after they left, I had the brief thought "this time is a gift". I've realized that this is an idea I have resisted for years; subconsciously, I feel like enjoying my time without my children is somehow betraying them. And so I've resisted building a single life and using my alone time meaningfully. I don't have many single friends in the same situation I am in--either they don't have kids, or they have their kids mostly full-time. During the last year or so I keep feeling an impression that I need to do a better job building a sense of self and quality habits that I do whether or not my kids are home. In five years my older two kids will have graduated from high school and will (hopefully) be living on their own. I love parenting and I know I will miss them terribly when they aren't just gone for a few days at a time. At the same time, I can't spend all my time without them just hanging around waiting for them to come back.
Tonight I've read a book, cooked myself a nutritious dinner, done some family history work, planned a menu for this week, and written this blog post. I also created a to-do list for tomorrow's solitary holiday so I can use that time wisely. Every day really is a gift and I need to do a better job seeing that.
Somehow my kids all grew up and I'm suddenly the parent of two teenagers and a kid who is only six months away from a double-digit birthday. We're talking about dating and jobs and college and AP classes. Two weeks ago I threw out all the old Play-Doh and recycled the coloring books, and no one cared. I thought that maybe P would care, but she just shrugged a little and went back to reading Harry Potter.
For the past few summers we have decided to save money we would have spent on a nanny and have the kids just spend their time at Mr. Fob's house. They come back here for dinner several nights a week and still do every other weekend as well. It seems to be a good arrangement since they are too old for a babysitter, but still need to be in a house with an adult present to help them out as needed. Despite the fact that I was at work every day during the summer, I still felt a little sad and lost this year. The mornings without children were a nice break, but my house seemed lonely without them really living here.
I felt the same way when they drove away tonight--the same mixed feelings of relief at having a break, while also missing having them around. Even though lately when they are home, everyone just retreats to their rooms to read or play computer games. I seem to feel more structure and purpose when the kids are here. Child-free Sundays are kind of hard for me because I don't want to watch TV or do many of my usual activities because I want the Sabbath to feel different.
However, after they left, I had the brief thought "this time is a gift". I've realized that this is an idea I have resisted for years; subconsciously, I feel like enjoying my time without my children is somehow betraying them. And so I've resisted building a single life and using my alone time meaningfully. I don't have many single friends in the same situation I am in--either they don't have kids, or they have their kids mostly full-time. During the last year or so I keep feeling an impression that I need to do a better job building a sense of self and quality habits that I do whether or not my kids are home. In five years my older two kids will have graduated from high school and will (hopefully) be living on their own. I love parenting and I know I will miss them terribly when they aren't just gone for a few days at a time. At the same time, I can't spend all my time without them just hanging around waiting for them to come back.
Tonight I've read a book, cooked myself a nutritious dinner, done some family history work, planned a menu for this week, and written this blog post. I also created a to-do list for tomorrow's solitary holiday so I can use that time wisely. Every day really is a gift and I need to do a better job seeing that.
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