So Much for NaBloPoMo

I had thought of doing NaBloPoMo this month but never really committed myself to doing it. I thought it might be a good kick in the pants to get me blogging again, but it didn't really work. Lately I've had a hard time committing to anything; everything feels off-kilter and I need to get my life back on solid footing again. During the last week I started 3 different books before giving up and taking them back to the library. My fridge is full of food because I keep changing my mind at the grocery store. For so long I thought I had things planned out and I thought I knew who I was and what my life was like, and now I have no idea.

It also doesn't help that I've had a nasty head cold that has been coming and going for nearly two weeks now. Some days my throat is so sore I can barely speak, other days my eyes itch and my nose runs, and on other days I feel fine. I keep thinking that the worst is over and I have recovered, but then it turns out that I am sick again the next day. I know part of the problem is the fact that I have not been sleeping enough lately. Even though I know I need to sleep more, for some reason when life gets hard I don't like to go to bed. I may be tired but getting in bed seems impossible for some reason. I need to figure out how to get around that weird quirk of my psyche.

Yesterday they called to offer me the job I had interviewed for last week. I turned them down. I hate to turn down a job, but I can't do it for the pay they are offering. If I were in a position to sell my home and move somewhere that was closer to the job and cheaper, I would. But I've decided that keeping my home and providing stability for my children is one of my priorities. Now I just keep praying to find the right job for me. There aren't a lot of good options out there right now. This is when I wished I lived in a country that offered things like subsidized health care and child care, because I love my job right now and would stay here forever if I had benefits.

On the more positive front, I did have a wonderful day yesterday. My parents and youngest brother are in town for a few days. The kids love having them visit, and last night we went on a grown-ups only outing to Tucanos and then a show by Living Legends. It was great. I love having visitors. Now I just need to get some sleep and get over this stupid cold so I can enjoy the rest of their visit.

Comments

skyeJ said…
I get the same way about sleep when I'm stressed out. I either don't sleep or sleep too much, at the wrong time of day. It makes sense that you feel like your life is all up in the air. It is. It totally isn't what you'd planned it to be, and that is hard to deal with. But, you are still who you are. And that is someone who is pretty great. :) I love you!
11/14/2011 2:31 AM
BurkeAndEmily said…
When I'm pretty stressed about things I tend not to sleep too. I eventually realized that when I'm super sleep deprived, I don't feel emotions as strongly. So by keeping myself pretty sleep deprived the pain, uncertainty, and worry are all blunted by the tiredness. From my understanding, keeping yourself chronically sleep deprived has the same depressive effect on emotions as having some alcohol in your system.
11/16/2011 4:09 PM
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