Sometimes My Brain is a Little Crazy

One thing I don't like about myself is that my brain has this weird panic reaction when plans change or things don't go as I had expected they would. I know what you're thinking--isn't that how life is every day? Things never go like they should, so aren't I freaking out all the time? Well, yes and no. I've learned to deal with it most of the time and generally I can roll with the punches. But, if I'm already stressed out or something, the automatic reactions take over and I end up looking like a crazy person. 

Today at the beginning of Primary I had a weird interaction with someone. This morning I got a call from one of the counselors in the presidency asking if I might be willing to help with piano a bit during junior primary. Our regular pianist was going to be gone for that hour and we had a found a substitute, but she wouldn't be available until later in the hour for singing time. Playing the piano is not a problem for me at all so I agreed to do it. So, after sacrament meeting I headed to the Primary room as usual, dropped off my things in the back, quickly put the rolls out on teachers' chairs, and then realized that P. Bibby needed the bathroom. After I brought her back to Primary, I noticed that the song leader had jumped in and was playing some prelude music. She was happy to see me, however, since she only knows one song, so I walked over to the piano to relieve her. 

However, at that point another woman in the ward stepped up to the piano and prepared to sit down. Apparently she had come in to the primary room to tell us that she thought one of the older classes was missing a teacher (they weren't), and then offered to play the piano. But, I had already agreed to play the piano and I tried to tell her that. Instead, her response was that I should go substitute for the class. At this point my brain, which was a little frazzled and overwhelmed already from the usual stress that is the beginning of Primary every week, flipped out a bit. I was supposed to be playing the piano, I didn't know why she was in there, and I didn't know why she wasn't accepting my response that I had been asked to substitute for the piano. I suppose the gracious thing to do would be to just bow out and let her do what she wanted to do. It wouldn't have hurt anything. Instead, I got kind of pushy and just said something dumb like "but I'm supposed to play. I said I would." I seriously couldn't think of any other options or things to do at that point--my brain had a single focus. I think she thought I was weird for getting so upset and insistent, so she gave me a strange look and left. It was odd and left me feeling embarrassed. Hopefully she doesn't think I'm a total crazy person now.

Another crazy reaction--when we moved back to Utah a few years ago, Mr. Fob's sister had just gotten engaged to be married. She had been widowed for a while and this was great news, and he is a really great guy. I was really happy for her, but also, weirdly, upset about it for a week or two. I doubt anyone even knew I was upset, but I felt bad that I was upset. I was just worried about how our relationship with her would change. For some reason change makes my brain freak out and start yelling "bad! danger!" at me. I hate that reaction. Another friend of mine just got engaged and I had the same reaction--happy for her, but also freaked out because "oh no, something's changing!". I think that situation is also a little weird because she and her ex-husband used to be really good couple-friends of ours, and then everything changed, and now she's marrying someone else, and it's still weird to get used to (and yes, I really love this guy and I'm happy for her, but still). So, now you know that I'm totally neurotic and have a hard time acting like a normal person sometimes because stuff that doesn't freak out normal people totally throws me for a loop.

Comments

Cheryl said…
I don't think you're crazy. Change is really hard for me, too, even though I like to pretend that I like it.

I think that primary worker was actually very rude. You had been asked to play the piano --not teach a class. Those two things are very different, and if they had asked you to teach, I'm sure you would have. I don't think you did anything wrong by insisting you do what you had been asked to do. *shrug*
Julie said…
If it makes you feel any better, even though I'm totally happy I sometimes freak out a little bit because, "Oh no, lots of things are changing!!" And just last night we were talking about trying to schedule things and there might be a conflict with something and I immediately was upset and emotional simply because I like to plan things out exactly and I like things to work out exactly like I planned them. This is of course ridiculous because pretty much nothing ever works out like you plan it. So either we're both crazy, or you're actually totally normal! ;)

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