Tired

Yesterday I was going to write a blog post about how tired I have been feeling this summer. Physically tired, emotionally tired, mentally tired. Just tired. My yard has giant brown spots on it and my flowerbeds are sprouting weeds that are taller than I am. The garden has been a total bust due to my neglect and the only things still surviving are the pumpkin vines and the tomato plants. I haven't cleaned the bathrooms for about two months, there are piles of papers and books all over the house, and I'm at least four weeks behind on the reading for my class (at least all my assignments have been turned in on time). I have 10 shirts in my closet that haven't been worn for 2 months because I can't bring myself to iron them. I've been in a slump for a while--as evidenced by the dark circles under my eyes, the massive amounts of books I've been reading, and my inability to make simple decisions or to email people back about things. 

When I was on my trip to Portland I didn't sleep well, and for a few days after I got back I felt bad. I'm not sure how to explain it--I just felt tired and awful and like I didn't want to do anything other than to curl up in a ball on my bed and hide. I eventually got over it, but things have been up and down ever since. I get in a bad cycle of not getting enough sleep, then staying up too late avoiding bed because I feel awful, then feeling awful because I didn't get to sleep on time. As I mentioned in my last post, this summer has been a lot of fun. It's also been stressful--just because my brain is stupid and gets anxious about dumb things. I also realized the other day that asking people for help is unduly stressful to me and I need to figure out a way to calm the heck down about it. My life wasn't any less crazy when my kids were littler, but I was home to be in charge of things myself and to handle the chaos myself. Now I spend every week sending emails and messages to various people about piano lessons and other kid issues, and I feel bad about things being so crazy and having to get other people to work around us. I need to figure out how to get over the added layer of stress that comes with dealing with other people. I spend a lot of my day at work fixing problems, training people, answering questions, and asking people to do stuff. Then I spend the rest of my time telling kids what to do, asking them to help with stuff, and arranging things for their care with family and friends. It's been a fun summer for the kids, but not without a lot of work on my part to deal with arrangements and rearrangements. 

Like I said, I was going to write this whole post yesterday, but I didn't. Instead, I went outside for a while and pulled up a whole bunch of weeds. Then I came in and took care of a most of the papers and things piled around my room. I did several loads of laundry and cleaned the bathroom. I also finished up my last major assignment for the class I've been taking. It felt really good to just get stuff done, and it was a reminder of something I keep forgetting and re-learning. When I spend too much time avoiding, stressing about, and hiding from stuff, I just feel worse. It doesn't help the problem. Instead, when I just use a bit of willpower to get moving and take care of something, no matter how little, I generally have the momentum to keep going and get more done. Turning the nervous energy of anxiety into productive energy is so much better than sitting and worrying--I really should do it more often. Maybe I'll finally start remembering this lesson since this feels like the hundredth time or so I've learned it.

Comments

The Weed said…
This is going to so a comment from a therapist.

It sounds like you are depressed. Like, legitimately, truly, not-messing-around depressed. I know that can be a dirty word in some circles, but I have pretty much never met another human whom I know well who hasn't gone through a period of genuine depression, so it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It also sounds like you might experience legitimate anxiety. Those issues combined can be very, very debilitating.

You don't have to suffer like that if this is the case. This might be a comment better suited for an email (and if so, sorry--if I don't just post it I'm afraid I'll never get around to it) but I can't say enough about the two major ways to feel better: counseling and medication. Seriously, those things combined can be absolutely life-changing.

You probably already know this. Also, obviously I'm totally biased. Sorry if this comment was totally lame.

I'm also sorry you're so tired. For what it's worth, I think you are an incredibly strong, wonderful person, and I admire you and all that you do for your little family.

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