The Courage to be Yourself
Several years ago I was a member of a message board for LDS women. One time a member posted her feelings about the fact that her sister was getting married outside of the temple to her boyfriend, because she was pregnant. This woman was upset because her parents were going to pay for her sister's wedding, and she didn't think that non-temple wedding deserved equal treatment with her own temple marriage. The reaction to this post was interesting; some agreed with her and felt that withholding a fancy wedding was a just punishment, others disagreed and thought that the parents deserved to treat their children equally and that the daughter was at least making a good choice in marrying her boyfriend. This experience has stuck in my mind because it opened my eyes to something I had not realized before: when we attack others it often reveals some kind of insecurity within ourselves.
I realized this after reading a few comments that went something along the lines of "I followed all the rules and got married in the temple, so why should she get the same 'reward' for not following the rules". These women assumed that the reward for making it to the temple was some sort of outside thing, i.e. a big, fancy, socially-acceptable wedding. And it made them very nervous when someone who did not make the same choice got what seemed to be the same reward. They were having trouble seeing someone else make a different choice because they didn't feel good about their own choices.
There was an excellent article in Sunstone a few years ago about envy and competition among LDS women. It's a bit long, but I wish more people would read it. The author comes to the same conclusion: when we belittle others or try to compete with them, we are really only revealing our own inadequacies and insecurities. I've noticed this in myself over the last year since we moved here. It's been a difficult adjustment to be in this ward after the last ward I was in. I've felt insecure about my abilities as a mother and as a woman, and I often don't feel like I'm in the "cool club". Many of my interests and talents are different from other women, and I feel like I've been spending too much time finding reasons to think that I'm better than them instead of simply getting to know people. I feel bad because I have said some rude things and thought some rude things about women who should be my friends and sisters. I'm going to try harder to be comfortable with who I am and how I live my life. Heavenly Father thinks I'm doing all right and making good choices, so I should try harder to believe him instead of the outside voices around me.
I was also thinking about this today because of this article in the New York Times. Sharon Jones is a woman with talent who knows who she is and is not afraid to live her own life. I think I always want to be the lead singer, and when I'm not I have a hard time sitting back and happily watching the show. I'm going to try harder from now on to appreciate others and to recognize the fact that I can't do everything, and I certainly couldn't do it all well if I tried. I'll keep working on my talents and start appreciating those of others.
I realized this after reading a few comments that went something along the lines of "I followed all the rules and got married in the temple, so why should she get the same 'reward' for not following the rules". These women assumed that the reward for making it to the temple was some sort of outside thing, i.e. a big, fancy, socially-acceptable wedding. And it made them very nervous when someone who did not make the same choice got what seemed to be the same reward. They were having trouble seeing someone else make a different choice because they didn't feel good about their own choices.
There was an excellent article in Sunstone a few years ago about envy and competition among LDS women. It's a bit long, but I wish more people would read it. The author comes to the same conclusion: when we belittle others or try to compete with them, we are really only revealing our own inadequacies and insecurities. I've noticed this in myself over the last year since we moved here. It's been a difficult adjustment to be in this ward after the last ward I was in. I've felt insecure about my abilities as a mother and as a woman, and I often don't feel like I'm in the "cool club". Many of my interests and talents are different from other women, and I feel like I've been spending too much time finding reasons to think that I'm better than them instead of simply getting to know people. I feel bad because I have said some rude things and thought some rude things about women who should be my friends and sisters. I'm going to try harder to be comfortable with who I am and how I live my life. Heavenly Father thinks I'm doing all right and making good choices, so I should try harder to believe him instead of the outside voices around me.
I was also thinking about this today because of this article in the New York Times. Sharon Jones is a woman with talent who knows who she is and is not afraid to live her own life. I think I always want to be the lead singer, and when I'm not I have a hard time sitting back and happily watching the show. I'm going to try harder from now on to appreciate others and to recognize the fact that I can't do everything, and I certainly couldn't do it all well if I tried. I'll keep working on my talents and start appreciating those of others.
Comments
Like the jealous sister, I often behave like the Prodigal Son's brother. I think that because I have made different "better" choices that I am somehow entitled to greater rewards. I think, though, that quite often life is the reward. But sometimes even that isn't true and people who have made "lesser" choices end up with a similar or better life.
This has been something that is hard for me to reconcile. But the truth is, we're not asked to reconcile and give an accounting of other people's lives. We're asked to give an accounting of our own lives. I have resolved to make a real effort to accept people for who they are and it really has made all the difference in how I feel about others, but more importantly in how I feel about myself and my role as a child of God.
I think it is incredibly arrogant of us to assume that we will receive certain blessings (like a blissful marriage) merely because we chose to follow God's commandments (marry in the temple). We don't get to pick what he blesses us/tries us with. And we often choose to define our "blessings" using our own mortal perspective. For instance, to some the "blessing" of wealth or beauty is more of a trial.
My point is- we cannot judge our worth as a person based on the blessings/trials we have. There simply is NO connection. Everyone gets the good and bad.
So why keep the commandments or listen to God at all, then? Because the best way to really feel joy and peace in life ("good about yourself")is to see yourself through God's eyes- feel his love for you. The commandments are things that enable us to throw back the heavy curtains of the world and Satan's influence, so that we can hear and feel the communications of the Spirit more clearly. And God is ALWAYS trying to tell us how great we are and how much he loves us. So yeah, we do "feel good" when we do the "right thing"- but not because we have suddenly changed. We have just opened a door to the truth that was always there.
I liked your last paragraph. I think in my ward right now, I make snap judgments about people-- that I wouldn't like them because we seem to have nothing in common. Reading your post made me realize (sad that I haven't realized this yet) that I don't have to have everything in common with someone to appreciate and like them. I definitely need to do a better job of appreciating the talents of others.
As I recall, there was a man who lived in New Testament times who wasn't considered to be in the 'cool club' at the synagogue, either. Sometimes I think that the New Testament was written for us latter-day 'saints'.
This was another excellent post pointing out some excellent thoughts. And some excellent comments, too.
I find it so hard not to compare myself to the women around me - and it's so easy to look around and feel that I've been weighed and measured only to be found wanting. Or to feel that I'm so much better than another sister because of ___, which just makes me feel badly that I feel compelled to prove myself "better" than someone. But I'm so grateful to have my own safe haven at home and on my knees where I know I am loved and accepted the way I am. A work in progress.
Plantboy and I have started saving money for our boys' missions; it isn't much every month, but we hope it is enough to cover the cost of their missions by the time they are 19. Missions, after all, are expensive. We plan to not tell the kids, however, and we really hope that when the time comes we can pay out of pocket. The saved money will be for college.
But it may not be that we can afford out of pocket and that money will have to be for missions. So what do we do if one of them chooses otherwise? Like my brother who is still active in the church and went to medical school? Do we give them the money anyway for school, and the one(s) that go have to pay for school with loans or out of pocket? Is this a "reward" for staying home? We aren't sure about the best approach. I think I tend to be an older brother to the prodigal myself and constantly have to gaurd against my impulse to judge another's efforts at repentance.
Great post.
The opening story also reminded me of the prodigal son. Would we rather focus on the past or create a future we would actually like?