Yellow Wallpaper

I read an interesting book a while ago that stated that the reason why we treat people badly is usually because we are feeling guilty and anxious about things we know we aren't doing right but don't really want to admit it to ourselves, and so we project our negativity onto other people and then blame them for our unhappiness and problems. That idea really resonated with me, because sometimes Ifeel like I'm just a giant walking ball of anxiety and guilt. Then, my anxiety and guilt over things that I'm not doing right makes me avoid resolving issues and so I feel worse, and then some days I just want to go curl up in a ball and hide in my closet for a day or two until it all goes away. But, the world is too much with me and I am too much with the world to do that, and every now and then I have a breakthrough: Reasons why I no longer feel guilty tonight: I took care of most of the phone calls I was procrastinating for my calling and found a sub to take two of the classes ...

One of the creepiest short stories I have ever read is called "Chac Mool" by Carlos Fuentes (all of his stories are totally creepy; he's like the Stephen King of Mexico). Chac was the god of rain in Mayan mythology and could only be placated through blood sacrifice. In the story, a man decides to buy a stauette of Chac Mool at an outdoor bazaar and then takes it home and leaves it in his basement. After a while he realizes that his house seems damp and is starting to smell weird and then the walls start growing mold and all the dogs and stray cats in the neighborhood start disappearing and other strange stuff. Basically, the god starts taking over this guy's house and the guy tries to escape and can't. It's a better story when you read it. Our house seems to have been overrun by dampness today and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm getting punished for being unwilling to pray for "moisture". This morning S-Boogie woke up with sopping wet pajamas ...

When my alarm went off at 6:30 this morning I turned it off and went back to sleep. Bad idea. At least I woke up at 7:30, which gave me enough time to shower and eat breakfast since my class isn't until 8:30. But, I took the brave new step of appearing in public without doing my hair. Yes, I actually went to school with my hair dripping wet, and not only that, I survived ! No one ran away screaming or recoiled in horror upon looking at me. I have always tormented myself about the fact that I really, really need to shower and do my hair before leaving the house in the morning. Whenever we are packing for a trip I spend the whole day feeling bad for taking up space in the suitcase with my blow dryer, but I can't leave it behind. What I have been unable to figure out is why I feel so much guilt over making myself look nice. There is nothing wrong with doing your hair, and it's not like I spend tons of time or even use lots of products on it or anything. I guess I have just ne...

This morning S-Boogie was delighted to have her auntie Skye stop by for a little visit. Skye brought along a wonderful treasure: a cassette tape of "Our Dinosaur Friends", which was one of our favorite records when we were kids. We listened to all the songs and sang and danced until we were all dizzy and out of breath. All day S-Boogie has demanded "more songs". Then, inspired by the music, we decided to go the dinosaur museum up at Thanksgiving Point. I was a little nervous given S-Boogie's attention span and the fact that I don't really like anything associated with Thanksgiving Point (that's another rant for another day, though). But, it turns out that the museum was a fabulous idea and S-Boogie loved it. They have lots of kid-friendly, hands-on stuff and she spent a lot of time stomping around and roaring. Here are some pictures, even though they didn't turn out that great since it was a little dim inside and she's a moving target. This is S...

So this term I am taking two courses: Spanish 655, which is a seminar on Cuban Poetry and Spanish 520, "Problems in Spanish Grammar". They are actually both fairly interesting and really not difficult to sit through for 2 hours, 3 times a week. (Yes, I'm crazy, but that's also why I am in graduate school). The Cuban poetry one is interesting and I really like the professor, but we are mainly focusing on Jose Marti and I am not a big fan of his poetry. He is the national poet of Cuba and is constantly quoted by both Fidel Castro and the exiles trying to get their country back from him, and led the first revolution against the Spanish, yada, yada, yada. For some reason his poetry reminds me a lot of Emily Dickinson, that weird visionary stuff full of big words and wacky symbolism and other things that make you wonder if everyone just thinks they are geniuses because no one can understand their work. I actually kind of like Emily Dickinson, so it's not like I'm s...

S-Boogie is now almost 2 years old and she is really growing up so fast! She isn't a baby anymore, but not quite a big person either. Mr. Fob and I were realizing the other day that soon she will be able to understand what we are talking about and we'll have to be careful not to say stuff like "masturbate" while she's listening. On the other hand, it will be nice for her to have enough language skill developed to say "I have left the milk in the bookcase near the yearbooks" instead of wandering around the house saying "nuk inside" while we try and find the sippy cup before it turns into cottage cheese. But seriously, she is a very vocal child and that seems to be her strong point at this stage of the game. She loves talking and provides a running commentary on everything we are doing, as well as commands us to do her bidding at all times. Today she was dancing in the living room and suddenly pointed to a spot on the floor and commanded "mo...

Yesterday I ate a rather large bag of Doritos that I had been saving for a picnic. This morning I got mad at S-Boogie because she was kicking me while I was trying to change her diaper, so I slapped her on the leg. She looked at me and slapped me on the arm and said "mommy owie too". I guess I won't do that again... I've been getting S-Boogie ready for bed in time to watch Jeopardy at 7:30, even though I know TV rots her brain. Sometimes I pick my nose while I am driving in my car. I like to read the obituaries and am especially fascinated by younger people dying in strange and tragic ways. Some days I don't brush my teeth until I go to sleep at night. I really like that song by George Michael about having a quickie in his car and that one about being "too close" because they turn me on. I haven't vacuumed my living room floor for over two months.

I'm really having a hard time adjusting to being back in school this term. I am glad I didn't try to go spring after I nearly went crazy during winter semester. But, I sometimes wish that I weren't going to school at all. Lately I have felt very conflicted about the school thing in general. It feels like the right thing to do, I generally enjoy it, and it's a nice excuse to hang around adults and pretend that I am still a normal human being. But I also kind of like being a mom who stays home and doesn't do much besides eat too many cookies and sit around reading trashy books while her child destroys the living room. I am also realizing that neither school nor mommyness is fun and exciting in the same way that other things are, like spending two weeks on vacation or eating an entire pan of warm brownies in one sitting. I think I have been expecting that one or the other will suddenly make my wildest dreams come true and I will be so in love with it I will never want ...

So I've been thinking about starting a blog for a while now, mainly because I like to read other people's blogs and I'm just a voyeuristic person by nature. Sometimes I wish that everyone I knew kept their journal online so that I could find out exactly what they are thinking, but that probably just stems from the fact that I am too chicken to ever ask anyone what they are feeling or thinking and so I spend most of my time assuming. So yeah, I am emotionally stunted and extremely insecure, we might as well establish that right off. Also, I feel nervous to start a blog because I kind of want some sort of audience but at the same I time I want to be free in expressing my feelings about things without offending anyone. But, since I haven't really told anyone about this yet, I will just assume that I have no audience. I'm not sure I will ever have anything interesting to say so hopefully things will stay that way.