Obsessing

Starting teaching this year has really done a number on my psyche; I think I'm struggling because things were going well for quite a while and I felt like my life was in control and not too full. Plus I have not been giving myself enough sleep. I need to sleep or things get crazy. Don't ask me why I am blogging instead of going to bed like I should. Maybe because reaching out to other people helps me feel better. I'm also hoping that shaking this cold that has been plaguing my entire family (myself included) will improve my mood. I can tell when my brain isn't doing well because I start obessing over things instead of doing something about them.

First of all, I feel like a constant refrain for the last year or so is "Little Dude is driving me crazy". He is really clingy and I have a hard time getting him to entertain himself much. I'm discovering that the hardest part of having S-Boogie do so many activities is dealing with a four-year-old who won't get over having to do something he doesn't want to do. Last week he spent the entire hour of her soccer game whining "I want to go home" and pulling on my legs. He did the same thing tonight at her dance class, even though I brought stuff to entertain him. Unfortunately he's not quite old enough for classes of his own. We did recently buy him a CD player for his room and that seems to be helping with bedtime issues, since I know lack of sleep can contribute to behavior issues. I just worry because he doesn't seem to have anything he is interested in doing every day besides whining and moping and clinging to my legs (oh, he does spend some time running around the living room yelling and jumping on the couch even though he's not supposed to). Should four-year-olds have some kind of interests or hobbies?

S-Boogie is mostly doing all right with school but has been frustrating me by her sudden development of insomnia. We even bought her a CD player to listen to relaxing music (by the way, thrift stores are the best places for electronics) and yet she still lies awake way too late every night and is impossible to get up in the morning.

My main downer lately has been the news I received at the baby's checkup last Thursday. I posted the other day about how I thought it might be time to switch to formula. I knew my baby might not be getting enough milk but I didn't really feel like switching and I didn't think the problem was that bad. Then we had her checkup and it turns out that her weight has dropped from the sixtieth percentile to the first and she has not yet doubled her birth weight. She really hasn't been growing much for the last three or four months. I've just been feeling awful because I could have fixed this problem much sooner and now I worry that it will be hard for her to catch up with her growth. And now I have to spend every day counting ounces and trying to get her to eat more (she has a small appetite, probably from getting small feedings for so long). Not a good situation for someone already prone to obsessing over things.

There is a clinical term for those with depression when they obsess about things: ruminating. And the rational part of my mind knows that it is not healthy to keep going over and over my regrets. Yes I should have followed my gut with my baby and not my laziness or pride. But she's doing fine other than being small and she should catch up again. I need to focus on the positive things lately. We have a nice home, all of the essential things for life, our kids are generally happy, and we have much to look forward to. Life will get better, especially if I can get my brain to shut off this stupid obsessing!

Comments

brinestone said…
You're one of my role models, believe it or not, since you don't know me. I hope you know that you're a good mom.

First off, the baby will be fine. My son essentially refused to eat anything but breastmilk until he was 18 months old or something. Needing the extra calories that solid food provides, and not getting them, he dropped to 0th percentile for weight. I was so worried that that setback would stunt his growth permanently, but it hasn't. Once he started eating for real, he started heading back to the growth curve he should have been on, and now, at LD's age, he looks more or less like all the other four-year-olds.

Speaking of four-year-olds, have you considered leaving LD with a friend while you go to S-Boogie's events? I have been surprised by how social Lego has become and how recharged he seems when he gets back from a friend's house. Girls, boys, older, younger—he just loves being around other kids. And he's learned from them what's fun to do, which is something I can't teach him. Plus, it gives you some time to not have him clinging to you, which is always nice. Of course, not all kids are equally social, so YMMV.
Kristeee said…
If you find a way to turn off the ruminating, you should market it. Usually I dwell on something for a few days and then something else captures my attention so I switch my focus there instead.

Could Little Dude just feel left out of the fun, big kid activities that S-Boogie does? Maybe he needs a special all about him time? Maybe with S-Boogie in school he'll calm down a bit with more one-on-one attention?

It sounds like you need a nap and a little break. You know what they say about "all work and no play" and a rubberband wound too tightly...
SeƱora H-B said…
Oh, FoxyJ! I could have written this post (well, except for the ruminating about kids part). I have been struggling so much with this. I couldn't sleep last night because I was so worried about how my data collection would go today. Could I do anything about it from 11-1 last night? No. Could I shut it off? No.

I think you're wonderful. I hope things get more calm and that you can settle into your new routine.
Evelyn Theresa said…
Boy can I relate. It would be so nice to just turn it off. That's going to be my new phrase, "I"m not obsessing, I'm just ruminating." It sounds so much more sophisticated. (Of course there could be a reason my word verification is "spasi.")

Brinestone is right though about your baby being fine. She'll catch up on the weight. Trust me, I've talked to more dietitians and doctors about infant weight gain than I would ever want to. Even with slow growth, they will catch up. You didn't say she lost weight which is good. Tiny weight gain, or even just maintaining weight for a few months of infancy won't lead to any sort of harm. She'll pick up the weight and catch up to where she should be faster than you know it.

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