Thoughts from the weekend

The weather is still cold and wet, and Mr. Fob is still sick, so we mostly stayed inside this weekend. I discovered that staying in the house for two days is not the best way to promote family harmony, especially since S-Boogie is used to going to school with her friends every day of the week. I tried to watch conference and discovered that combining a laptop with cranky children is a bad idea. Little Dude has figured out how to climb on a chair and then up to the table. One of these days he's going to dive through the pass-through and crack his head open on the kitchen floor. That child has such an appetite for destruction--nothing in our house is safe any more.

It really wasn't all that bad. Yesterday S-Boogie and I escaped for a while to the library and a wonderful bakery (Grateful Bread Baking Company, ha ha). I bought a hot cocoa to share, but she insisted on orange juice. Such a health nut. When we got home I discovered that Mr. Fob had cleaned the bathroom and
trimmed Little Dude's hair. Last night we watched a movie together, ate nachos, and cuddled in bed (Mr. Fob says making out is hard when you can't breathe through your nose). This afternoon S-Boogie helped daddy make Halloween decorations for our windows and then helped mommy bake cookies. We delivered some of them to our neighbors and ate a few after Family Home Evening. The kids got to bed by 7:30 and now I have lots of time to go finish a book.

I felt like Conference was the same mix of highs and lows. I love Elder Eyring and I loved his talk (blogging is a good way to share your experiences others, hint hint). I loved Elder Oaks' talk about priorities (just don't spend too much time blogging). I loved the fact that someone from Latin America spoke in every session, even Priesthood and Relief Society (go Spanish and Portuguese!). I apparently slept through the most controversial talk on the internet, and I've stopped reading all the comments because I just don't feel like arguing about it. I will say that I'm disappointed in the focus on mothering as the material details like freshly ironed white shirts and doing the dishes. My husband did the dishes tonight and I helped the kids clean the house. I think that homemaking duties should be shared among all family members. The definition of Sunday best and things like that really vary across cultures. For example, there are Indians in Ecuador that traditionally have long hair. Their young men are completely worthy even without "missionary haircuts". I also hate it when people (not necessarily in the talk, but in comments)assume that women who choose to go to work or who go to school are doing so out of some sort of selfish desire. It could be for financial security and for the betterment of their families. Only God knows the intents of their hearts. I also don't like rhetoric about how we should be the "best". Why not love and appreciate the efforts of others not of our faith? I haven't been able to read the talk; I've only got the fragments I remember from my half-asleep state and the comments of others. I do appreciate the effort to validate the feelings of those who feel like being a mother is not "enough", because I've been there too. I do feel that raising children is one of the best pursuits we can be engaged in. I'm not sure that quitting my teaching job so I can be the one doing the dishes every single night of the week is what I need to do to accomplish that. Thankfully I feel like God is all right with my current state of life and my family is all right with it, so that's all that really matters to me.

Whew! Hopefully next weekend will be not so controversial, but I'm attending the Sunstone Northwest symposium so I can't count on that. To leave you on a funny note, read
this hilarious post about conference from a friend of mine. You'll laugh, trust me.

Comments

robin marie said…
i need to re-read her talk when it comes out in the ensign... i had mixed feelings as well!
Kari said…
Our oldest daughter loved it but my seminary students were kind of offended by it. I will have to read it for myself. As always, I love your honesty and frankness. I miss you!
Kristeee said…
Your friend's post is hilarious. My hubby struggles with losing his weekend to the 10 hours of conference - he'll appreciate those notes, I bet.

I had no idea that was a controversial talk - although I can see it now. I loved it, but then again I'm pregnant with my first and loved hearing that motherhood is such a powerful position for influence. I didn't think she was trying to say that "being a good homemaker" means that women do all the work and don't do anything besides be a little June Cleaver in the heels with a feather duster. Hmm, maybe this will have to evolve into a post of my own sometime today...

But Mr. Fob's right - it is really difficult to enjoy making out when you can't breathe. Snuggling's a much better option.
I didn't think of her talk as being controversial either. Maybe it was because I attended the general relief society broadcast last week. There I felt like gaining an education was heavily stressed, particularly so you can provide for yourself and your family if needed.

It's the pendulum swing. There's previously been a lot of talk directed to women to not feel depressed because they don't measure up to some pre-fabbed mormon idea of what a woman should be. Do your best and that's good enough.

But when people hear that often, it's easy to not do their best and become complacent. Then they start making excuses why they're not doing more or doing better. One of the quotes from last week that stuck out to me was something like "Do your best. Your very best."

What I got out of it was that she wants to set the bar high and have women constantly reevaluate their priorities. Do your best to be a good homemaker. Do your best to be a good mom. Make sure you're not just working to have the largest house or the coolest car, but because it is necessary to your family's wellbeing one way or another.

I guess that's my take.
Also, I really didn't mean to turn this into a debate on the subject, so if you feel my previous comment will take this discussion in a direction you weren't wanting it to go, feel free to delete it. I won't be offended. =)
Jenny said…
I felt like she was mainly encouraging us to do our best as mothers and that we do have control over the atmosphere in our homes and we have a responsibility to oversee the process that makes our home a sacred place. Maybe it's because I filter out things I don't want to hear. I don't know. I liked it though.

I think my favorite one was by Elder Oaks. I have been thinking about those things for awhile and it was so nice to hear what he had to say.
I was at a neighbor's house during THAT talk and I had to keep looking out the window to keep anyone from noticing the guilt-tears she inspired.

I will say, however, as I've lived in this part of the country and encounter the odd stares and less than fond exclaimations from people over the fact I have three children (not actually all that close in age by "typical" LDS standards), I can understand why Sister Beck felt the need to return to fundamentals.

My own family is between a rock and a hard place--we just moved and are already bursting at the seams of our tiny houe, but the only way we could afford something bigger in any city we want to live in is to be a two income family. Not every LDS man can go to med or law school. I don't think it is a very wise decision (in any aspect) for me to have more children, at least in the foreseeable future.

Her talk was couched in talks about personal revelation as well. I guess that is the most glorious part about the gospel; we take the council we hear to the feet of the Lord and then say, "How can I make this work for me?" I went back to work full time when my hubby went back to school. My youngest was just 8 months at the time. I still laugh about all the women who said, "But what will you do with your kids??????????" I wanted to answer, "AH! The kids!!!! I hadn't even though about the kids!!!!!"

Ultimately it is up to each of us to use the gifts the Lord has given us in the best way we know how. That may mean different things to different people and at different stages in life. And I did really like the part of her talk where she basically said that mothers who know learn to choose and don't try to have it all. The stay at home moms, the working moms and the in-between moms just need to get along better; we all need one another to keep everything trucking along.

I also think she was trying to say homemaking--real homemaking, not just decorating and making gourmet dinners in your granite kitchen-- is important in a world that in many quarters says it is not. And that means that hubby sometimes does the dishes or the cooking or the laundry.
M said…
I'm another one with guilt issues. But, I realized yet again today that without my three-hour blocks of escaping to teach or attend class, I would go nuts.

I don't know what I'm going to do when the man of our house has an 8-5 job every day instead of being a good partner to me.

I'll have to figure something out.

I guess that my observation, all in all, is that even though I heard it, I'll have to read the talk, then decide what to do with it. I'm not going to drop the PhD just because they think I can't be a good mom at the same time! :-)
Anonymous said…
I agree about the highs and lows of Conference. I always look forward to hearing counsel and advice from the chosen leaders, and I know it's true and what we need. BUT I too was offended by the concept about how we should be the "best." When they were talking about how the ward members should be the best about comforting others who are in need, or the best at being good neighbors, I was highly offended. I am a convert, and no on else in my family joined the LDS Church, I also have many many friends not of our faith, and ALL of them are just as loving and comforting as anyone I know in this church. My best friend is from MD and I went home with her a few weeks ago, only to be greeted VERY warmly by a loving neighborhood, none of whom are LDS, and yet they are some of the most caring, giving individuals I have yet to meet. They all know that my friend and I are LDS ( her fam isn't LDS either..) yet they put aside differences to welcome us, and get us all through a hectic time...
I get really *offended when people seem to think that only nice people are mormons etc.. So was I an unloving, uncaring person before I got Baptised? I realize that was not the intent of the speaker(s) BUT if I were listening to it as a nonmember I would think second about the humility of the church members.. Thank you for your thoughts, I thought I was just being sensitive about my family and friends..
* Which I DO realize is my own fault as Bednar taught us a few confernces ago... PHEW.. long comment from someone you dont even know.. and it probably doesn't even make any sense...
I don't think her intent was to say we are better than everyone. I think she was saying that we have the knowledge and tools that can help us be the best possible parents we can be. Are there lots of good [great, excellent, amazing] people who aren't of our faith? Of course. Are there lots of people of our faith who could do better? Of course.

When we understand the gospel more fully and become more like Christ, we become better people, better parents, etc. We have a lot of resources and knowledge that can help make us better than we would be without it it.

That doesn't mean that we are better than those without it. It does mean that those without the gospel could become better people with it. It's not a comparison from me to you. It's a comparison from me to me. And you to you. The gospel of Christ can change people and make them the best they possibly can be if they let it.

I think that science teacher mommy made an incredibly valid point. We are each entitled to personal revelation. Everyone's situation is different and the Lord will guide us in what is best for our family so long as we live worthy of the spirit and keep the commandments. With the knowledge we have and the opportunities that have been afforded to us, we should strive to be the best we can in Christ. That, I think, is the point.
When it comes down to it, we need to spend less time and energy trying to be like one another and more time trying to be like the Savior.

And anonymous brings up some very valid issues. There are good people everywhere. Wasn't it President Eyring who spoke of every person having the light of Christ? It is the light of Christ that allows each of us to identify the Spirit as it comes to us. As members, we hear so often that the world is full of wicked people. Well, it is. But it is also full of good people. Wonderful people. These people teach our children, take care of our sick, smile at us in the street, and push their kids on swings at the park. Brothers and sisters we have perhaps made commitments to seek out and share the gospel with. People like anonymous are the real pioneers, and also the kind of people who are the best at sharing the gospel.
JB said…
That's funny, I was watching Pleasantville last night and thinking about the "traditional" roles of women as homemakers and mothers. My conclusion is thus: if one parent wants to work all day and the other wants to be at home watching the kids, then it makes sense for the one watching the kids to also keep the house clean (for some definition of "makes sense"). It makes just as much sense that the one who works outside the home should help the one who stays at home so that s/he doesn't have to work all day long.

However, when you start putting "shoulds" like "dinner should be ready when s/he comes home" or "the house should always be clean when s/he comes home" on there, that's bull. You don't know what that person's day has been like and though yours was busy, theirs isn't ending right now, so I don't see why yours should either. Hm. Not sure where I was going with that. Sorry.
Desmama said…
Just wanted to say I've enjoyed reading all the comments here. And that link with the "notes" from General Conference was classic. DesDad and I both laughed.
Anonymous said…
You should check out this new blog that was created as a response to all the criticism directed towards Sister Beck. It is funn-neeeee.

Oppressed Mormon Housewives!
Anonymous said…
I have felt a mixture of guilt and frustration with myself for feeling the way I did about Conference, and have come to this conclusion. LDS or not, we all need to strive to be our own INDIVIDUAL best.. whatever that may be. Saying something like that of course leads to personal opinion on what each of our "bests" really are, but I think that it's not a matter of Latter Day Saints being the best, but that we were taught to be our best, and that should be enough counsel for us to improve our lifes in whatever way we know we need to do so. Hopefully that will help me feel better. Oh and Science Teacher Mommy, thank you for your kind words, I was worried that I sounded to negative.

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