Just before dawn

Yesterday was actually a very nice Mother's Day. When I woke up, S-Boogie greeted me by saying "You have a birthday in the kitchen, Mommy". Master Fob had made me waffles with whipped cream and strawberries on them, as well as a nice card with scribbles from S-Boogie and some cool flowers made of paper with green drinking straw stems. At church I got a tomato plant (our ward decided to be practical) and S-Boogie made me a clay hand print in nursery. Then yesterday afternoon I took a nice long nap, and we spent the evening hanging out with Master Fob's sisters and our niece and nephew. Last night after S-Boogie went to bed we watched Superman 2 (yes, it was slightly better than the first one) and ate rocky road brownies.
Then I went to bed and discovered that I couldn't sleep. And I felt depressed. And I started to worry about feeling depressed, because I wasn't sure if it was something temporary or the return of something darker. I kept thinking about all the hard things in my life. Like paying for moving at the end of the summer, paying for having the baby, and even paying for groceries and diapers right now. Or the fact that I keep running into people that finished everything for their degree except their thesis and my fear that it will happen to me. Or the fact that it's barely May and starting to heat up so much I'm considering getting out the air conditioner already, but we can't afford the higher electricity bills. And now that it's hot enough to wear them I'm too big for all the maternity capris that I own. And we pretty much have no sex life right now and it will be at least two or three more months until that's a possibility again. And I'm terrified of having two kids and I worry because I want S-Boogie to enjoy having a sibling and not just have it be a major trauma for her. And so on and so on.

But then at some point I managed to fall asleep. And I woke up this morning feeling surprisingly good and refreshed. I realized this morning that lying in bed in the dark is really not the time to start thinking too deeply or worrying about things. Nighttime should just be for sleeping. So I don't think I'm getting too depressed again. Right now I feel like I can handle life and that everything will be all right and work itself out somehow. It usually does, even if it's not quite the way we originally planned. The next time I'm lying in the dark at 2 AM worrying, I'll try to remember to get out of bed and read this instead. I think that there really is a longest hour of the day, and it's definitely better to sleep through it than to lie awake watching it pass slowly by.

Comments

Lady Steed said…
Yes, 2 am is the longest hour of the day. I have forgotten now how many times I have been awoken at this hour, then spent the rest of it trying to fall back asleep. Awoken because the people living above have decided to crank up the rap music, start jumping around and yell at each other, or sometimes they are having noisy sex in the room above you. Most of the time both of these things are happening at the same time. And everytime I look over to see the time it's always 2 something in the AM! Then I spend the next hour or more trying to fall asleep, thinking about how much I hate living here, how much I hate the people above, and wondering how on earth I ended up in this horrible place.

So Foxy, the next time you are up at 2am, remember that I probably am too. But I think next time I'll get out of bed and see if I can google chat you, then maybe together we can make the slowest hour pass more quickly.
5/15/2006 9:02 PM
Desmama said…
I've worried about all the things you've listed too. And I still worry about them now--and at the hour you do! 2 A.M. is a wretched hour. Sometimes having a good cry helps. (I did just last night!) I wake up feeling weird but good, like I just got it all out and now I have to move on. So think of me and Lady Steed when you wake up again and know you're not alone.

And the waffles sound like they were excellent.
5/15/2006 9:41 PM
Katria said…
2 am is usually when I start to think about hitting the lights and, in turn, the sack.
5/15/2006 10:04 PM
skyeJ said…
Two am was always the time at work when all the nurses would start to "hit the wall". It was usually the time when things had calmed down enough for lunch, but if you took too long in getting down there, the snack-bar ladies would shut down the grill early. They were supposed to shut it down for an hour at 3am, but sometimes they were lazy. A lot of times. Anyhow... Two am wasn't late enough to have hope that the next shift would be coming soon, but it was late enough to feel VERY tired. I never liked two am at work....
5/16/2006 6:41 AM
Jenny said…
The rocky road brownie was my favorite part. When I had that happen to me it started happening evernight, so I got myself a prescription for Ambien. I have like 30 left if it doesn't get any better.....
5/16/2006 6:14 PM
Celia Marie (W.) B. said…
My suggestion is to just stay up until 2 AM. By then you should be tired enough to sleep through people having noisy sex upstairs or your life worries, right? I mean, it works for me...
5/16/2006 11:04 PM
JB said…
Yeah... when you're tired isn't when you're most rational. I would do well to remember that too...
5/17/2006 12:05 AM
Cricket said…
ah yes, the end-o-pregnancy non-existant sex life (leave it to me to comment on that!)

it can be remedied... if you are interested I will be more than happy to pass on my mother's advice(yes, my mom really gave me advice on how to have sex when ready to pop, and IT WORKED)(really quite well, might I add)
5/22/2006 10:19 PM
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