Yesterday was actually a very nice Mother's Day. When I woke up, S-Boogie greeted me by saying "You have a birthday in the kitchen, Mommy". Master Fob had made me waffles with whipped cream and strawberries on them, as well as a nice card with scribbles from S-Boogie and some cool flowers made of paper with green drinking straw stems. At church I got a tomato plant (our ward decided to be practical) and S-Boogie made me a clay hand print in nursery. Then yesterday afternoon I took a nice long nap, and we spent the evening hanging out with Master Fob's sisters and our niece and nephew. Last night after S-Boogie went to bed we watched Superman 2 (yes, it was slightly better than the first one) and ate rocky road brownies.
Then I went to bed and discovered that I couldn't sleep. And I felt depressed. And I started to worry about feeling depressed, because I wasn't sure if it was something temporary or the return of something darker. I kept thinking about all the hard things in my life. Like paying for moving at the end of the summer, paying for having the baby, and even paying for groceries and diapers right now. Or the fact that I keep running into people that finished everything for their degree except their thesis and my fear that it will happen to me. Or the fact that it's barely May and starting to heat up so much I'm considering getting out the air conditioner already, but we can't afford the higher electricity bills. And now that it's hot enough to wear them I'm too big for all the maternity capris that I own. And we pretty much have no sex life right now and it will be at least two or three more months until that's a possibility again. And I'm terrified of having two kids and I worry because I want S-Boogie to enjoy having a sibling and not just have it be a major trauma for her. And so on and so on.
But then at some point I managed to fall asleep. And I woke up this morning feeling surprisingly good and refreshed. I realized this morning that lying in bed in the dark is really not the time to start thinking too deeply or worrying about things. Nighttime should just be for sleeping. So I don't think I'm getting too depressed again. Right now I feel like I can handle life and that everything will be all right and work itself out somehow. It usually does, even if it's not quite the way we originally planned. The next time I'm lying in the dark at 2 AM worrying, I'll try to remember to get out of bed and read this instead. I think that there really is a longest hour of the day, and it's definitely better to sleep through it than to lie awake watching it pass slowly by.