The Paradox of Praise
I just read an interesting article that's been making the rounds of the internet. Basically it talks about how praising children because they are smart can actually cause them to not work as hard and to do worse in school. It caught my eye because for my entire life I've told that I was "smart". I've been in gifted programs since I started elementary school. And, I do have some natural talent for learning things: I'm a fast reader, I have a good eye for detail, and I am curious about a lot of things. It's not like I'm a total slacker either. But at the same time, I think this quote sums up one of the major points of the article:
Dweck had suspected that praise could backfire, but even she was surprised by the magnitude of the effect. “Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control,” she explains. “They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.”
This sounds a lot like my experience with math. Math has never been a strong subject for me. My brain just doesn't "get it" in the same way that it does things like spelling or reading. It also doesn't help that I had the same incompetent math teacher for Algebra and Trigonometry in high school. Her teaching strategy was to give us an assignment each day in class. We were to read the textbook, do the problems, and then look up the answers in the back of the book to check our work. There was no actual teaching involved on her part. I got an A in both classes, and I'm sure most of the other people in there with me did too. Unfortunately, my experience with geometry was different because I had an actual teacher. I did a terrible job in that class and I still feel lost when I think about geometry. Looking back, I didn't put forth much effort at all. I was used to homework that I could easily finish and turn right in. No one told me "just try harder and you'll get it" either. Instead, they sympathized "you're just not good at math". Because I felt embarrassed that for once I wasn't good at something, I assumed I wasn't really that "smart" and felt like I couldn't do much to fix the problem.
I probably wouldn't have gotten into MIT if I had spent hours drilling myself on geometry, but I probably would have improved my test scores a bit and gained more confidence in my ability to try new things. Within the article I was impressed by the story of junior high kids who had a study skills class that centered on the idea that "the brain is like a muscle: when you use it, it gets bigger". Almost all of their scores went up after these lessons. I recently read two different books by Jeopardy! champions. They were both fun, well-written books and I learned a lot from them. One of the things I learned is that they both spent a lot of time studying and preparing for the show. Even though they are both intelligent people, they are also smart enough to work hard and practice. Most high-level musicians and athletes are not great just because of their talent; they also spend hours each day practicing their craft.
I've also read a number of parenting articles and books that emphasize the importance of failure and intermittent praise in a child's life. As a parent, it's really hard to see your kids fail. It's hard to watch Little Dude get frustrated again and again because the big block won't go inside the little one, or to S-Boogie try for 5 minutes to button up her own sweater. But at the same time, failure is an opportunity to try again and to exercise creativity. Small children are naturally ambitious, curious, and stubborn. I'm realizing that it's often parents and others who teach them (usually inadvertently) that failing is bad or that they can't handle stuff (I usually don't give S-Boogie 5 minutes to work on buttoning her sweater, because I'm in a hurry). But I've been trying to be more aware of these things and to give my kids opportunities to try new things. Even more importantly, I've been trying to help them know I love them no matter what, even when things don't work out the way they wanted them to be. I think if instead of telling people "you're great" we say "you're capable", it might change their perceptions of themselves.
This article just confirms my suspicions that self-esteem should not be the end goal of my parenting. Well, not self-esteem in the nebulous sense of "I'm wonderful and I'm smart and I can do anything I want". Unfortunately, many criminals think those same thoughts (for what it's worth, I think psychopathy is partly just nature as well as nurture). Instead, I want my kids to have the confidence that they can do hard things. I want them to know what their specific talents are, rather than just nebulous praise like "you're smart". I also want them to be able to honestly look at themselves and evaluate their failures and what they could do better the next time, without falling apart because they failed. I want them to have a sure sense of themselves and their worth, so they can avoid cliquishness, snobbery, and the impulse to cheat. Now I just need to figure out how to teach myself all these things and really believe them.
Dweck had suspected that praise could backfire, but even she was surprised by the magnitude of the effect. “Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control,” she explains. “They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.”
This sounds a lot like my experience with math. Math has never been a strong subject for me. My brain just doesn't "get it" in the same way that it does things like spelling or reading. It also doesn't help that I had the same incompetent math teacher for Algebra and Trigonometry in high school. Her teaching strategy was to give us an assignment each day in class. We were to read the textbook, do the problems, and then look up the answers in the back of the book to check our work. There was no actual teaching involved on her part. I got an A in both classes, and I'm sure most of the other people in there with me did too. Unfortunately, my experience with geometry was different because I had an actual teacher. I did a terrible job in that class and I still feel lost when I think about geometry. Looking back, I didn't put forth much effort at all. I was used to homework that I could easily finish and turn right in. No one told me "just try harder and you'll get it" either. Instead, they sympathized "you're just not good at math". Because I felt embarrassed that for once I wasn't good at something, I assumed I wasn't really that "smart" and felt like I couldn't do much to fix the problem.
I probably wouldn't have gotten into MIT if I had spent hours drilling myself on geometry, but I probably would have improved my test scores a bit and gained more confidence in my ability to try new things. Within the article I was impressed by the story of junior high kids who had a study skills class that centered on the idea that "the brain is like a muscle: when you use it, it gets bigger". Almost all of their scores went up after these lessons. I recently read two different books by Jeopardy! champions. They were both fun, well-written books and I learned a lot from them. One of the things I learned is that they both spent a lot of time studying and preparing for the show. Even though they are both intelligent people, they are also smart enough to work hard and practice. Most high-level musicians and athletes are not great just because of their talent; they also spend hours each day practicing their craft.
I've also read a number of parenting articles and books that emphasize the importance of failure and intermittent praise in a child's life. As a parent, it's really hard to see your kids fail. It's hard to watch Little Dude get frustrated again and again because the big block won't go inside the little one, or to S-Boogie try for 5 minutes to button up her own sweater. But at the same time, failure is an opportunity to try again and to exercise creativity. Small children are naturally ambitious, curious, and stubborn. I'm realizing that it's often parents and others who teach them (usually inadvertently) that failing is bad or that they can't handle stuff (I usually don't give S-Boogie 5 minutes to work on buttoning her sweater, because I'm in a hurry). But I've been trying to be more aware of these things and to give my kids opportunities to try new things. Even more importantly, I've been trying to help them know I love them no matter what, even when things don't work out the way they wanted them to be. I think if instead of telling people "you're great" we say "you're capable", it might change their perceptions of themselves.
This article just confirms my suspicions that self-esteem should not be the end goal of my parenting. Well, not self-esteem in the nebulous sense of "I'm wonderful and I'm smart and I can do anything I want". Unfortunately, many criminals think those same thoughts (for what it's worth, I think psychopathy is partly just nature as well as nurture). Instead, I want my kids to have the confidence that they can do hard things. I want them to know what their specific talents are, rather than just nebulous praise like "you're smart". I also want them to be able to honestly look at themselves and evaluate their failures and what they could do better the next time, without falling apart because they failed. I want them to have a sure sense of themselves and their worth, so they can avoid cliquishness, snobbery, and the impulse to cheat. Now I just need to figure out how to teach myself all these things and really believe them.
Comments
WV=urfygue=~U R F-in Good
My mission president's wife was another one to instill enabling confidence. I asked her about it at a recent reunion, and she tries to give very specific, individual praise to everyone she meets. She lifts everyone around her.
A theory I studied posits that the hero and the villain are born with many of the same core characteristics, but that nurturing can decide which branch of morals they take. We've been taught that many strong spirits have been saved to come to the earth now . . . makes parenting an interesting topic. For what it's worth, I think you're doing a great job. (how's that for nonspecific praise?)
I think it's tragic when parents don't require their kids to
1.figure out what's important, and 2.learn to work for what they want.
And grad school has been in many ways the agonizing process of getting over this idea that I'm smart enough or not smart enough, without reference to whether I, like, do the work.
Being told I was smart is why I'm only good at the only thing I was never encouraged in. I'm rather glad, after reading this, that my parents never encouraged me as a writer.
I would add (having done no research on the subject, so take it for what it's worth. Which is likely nothing) that each time a "smart" person doesn't try and yet succeeds, he/she is HURTING his/her self-esteem because the stakes keep getting higher - if he/she fails after all this success he/she is bound to be devastated. What's more is he/she KNOWS that, but each success makes him/her more afraid to fail.
I probably should have picked either the male or female - all that he/she-ing looks ridiculous.
My new motto is "We can do hard things." And, I am now pointing out all the times my kids work hard. Sure, they're smart, but that's not going to get them anywhere without work.
Thanks, again!