Introspection

A few days ago I was going to post about stressed out I was feeling, but then I made some decisions and I don't feel so stressed anymore. First of all, I got an offer to teach at a second school. However, this school is about an hour away (more with traffic) and the class conflicted with one I had already agreed to teach. I thought my first class wasn't going to happen, because it only had two students when I left on vacation. Then I looked again and started to panic, because there were six students. I was feeling really freaked out about starting at a new school, driving that far two nights a week, and screwing over my first employer. So I told the second school that I couldn't do it. And I felt a lot better. I haven't even felt guilty about the fact that they start next Wednesday. Saying "no" appropriately is a great way to reduce stress.

I also finished and turned in my graduate school applications. I did three of them; for a while I was considering doing more, including some in other areas of the country besides the West. Then I decided that I didn't want to. If these three don't work out, then I'll take some time to decide what to do from there. For some reason lately I've been feeling an urge to slow down and really decide how I want to spend my time. I've been feeling more domestic; I think I'd rather get my sewing machine fixed than start a dissertation right now. It's probably a combination of reading a bunch of feminist literature and a bunch of magazines like Sunset and Better Homes and Gardens over vacation. I'm feeling empowered as a woman: empowered to be more domestic!

Really I think I'm just at a point where I'm trying to make some sense of my life. For most of the last decade I've been in school. If I get into a PhD program that would be great. But if I don't, I think I'm ready to transition out of the "student" frame of mind. I'm turning 30 in the spring. I thought this would make me feel some sort of panic about my lost youth, but instead I feel a sense of expanding possibility. I look at what I've done over the last decade and realize that I've already accomplished a lot. I got married and had two children; I completed my bachelor's and master's degrees; I served a mission; I've grown and matured in a lot of ways. Many of my personal heroes are women who didn't even go to graduate school until their forties. I enjoy teaching part-time and I enjoy being able to spend time with my children. I think more than anything I'm realizing that I still have a lot of life left and that if I don't feel like doing it all right now it's OK. Now I'm going to get off the computer and go cook dinner.

Comments

M said…
HOORAY for cooking dinner! I keep promising to do it for Dad while we're here in OH visiting.

Though I take it from your comments that this means that IU was eliminated. Sad day for us. :-)
12/28/2007 5:50 PM
Science Teacher Mommy said…
You are just so cool. Feminine self-awarness and self-actualization is NOT about deciding you can do everything the men can do (and better), but about making choices that put you in charge of your life and make you content with yourself, whatever your situation. You will be just right at whatever you choose to do.

Letting go sometimes takes the greatest strength.
12/29/2007 9:53 PM
Earth Sign Mama said…
One thing I didn't realize until I got to forty was that your children grow up really quickly but your life slows down. I mean that the time goes by more slowly. Each 1/2 year of their lives is a huge increment, and suddenly you will be astounded to see that they are adults and leaving home, but you don't feel significantly older. Yes, women can do many things in one life, but it's saner to do them in a linear way rather than simultaneously. Your children only get one childhood--participate in it as much as you can. You'll be the mother of adults for a much, much longer period of time than you spend as the mother of little children. Your adult children need you in a different way than your tiny children, and time spent now as a mother will be very significant to them. If you don't get into graduate school now, it'll still be there.
12/29/2007 11:18 PM
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