Put the blog down and walk away

Yesterday evening I totally screamed at my daughter. This may horrify those of you who don't have children, but anyone who has children will probably understand. We've been having some issues with her bothering her little brother, and I lost it after hearing him start crying for the third time in five minutes. However, my reaction really was inappropriate in proportion to her actions. Most of the anger I directed at her was really precipitated by my feelings about a thread on a blog I had been reading. I think I need to cut back on my internet activity a little.

A similar thing happened about two years ago and preceded my entry into the blogging world. When S-Boogie was about four months old I stumbled onto a bulletin board for LDS moms on a popular parenting site. I enjoyed reading and participating in the board for about a year or so. Then I started to get overwhelmed with school stuff and other things in my life. I also started to realize that my participation in the board was leaking into my life in unhealthy ways. I would start a thread or comment on a thread and then spend the rest of the day checking obsessively for responses. Usually people would ignore my comments or threads and I would end up feeling somewhat slighted at being ignored. I also found myself getting really emotionally invested in some issues and spending entire days mad at someone for their wrong thinking. It was hard to abandon the board, but I decided that it was best for me if I just walked away. I tend to get obsessed about things so it was hard to just leave it alone. But after a few months I realized that I rarely thought about the board at all and that I had truly left it behind.

Around that time I decided to start a blog because some of my friends had done it. I liked being in control of the content and I liked the fact that most of my readers stuck around because they liked me. I also have enjoyed my little blogging community that I have found with friends and friends of friends. I have no intention of giving up blogging or reading most of the blogs that I frequent. I usually use Google reader so I don't have to spend all day checking blogs for updates. Supposedly that should save me some time.

Over the last few months I have started spending too much time on the internet again. There are a number of good blogs out there that discuss issues that I find interesting. I have enjoyed reading them and the ideas have been quite intellectually stimulating. At the same time, I'm finding myself too absorbed in them to the point that it's getting unhealthy. I spend too much time stepping into my bedroom to read blogs and comments. I get too upset about things some people say or the fact that many of my comments get ignored. I think it's best for me to step out of the discussion and focus on other things right now. I have a lot on my plate as it is.

I'm also trying to improve two areas in my life that I feel are affected negatively by my use of the internet: listening and mindfulness. They are actually related--it's hard to listen to others if you are not practicing mindfulness. I have a problem with listening. I'm the person in the back of the class who always has her hand raised to say something. I think I comment every week in Relief Society. I feel self-conscious about this and I'm trying harder to focus on truly listening to and understanding others. I probably won't stop commenting in class, but I am going to try and stop spending the whole class focusing on finding a spot to interject my brilliant wisdom. That goes along with the idea of mindfulness. Part of the reason why I started spending so much time on the internet was the hours I spent feeding Little Dude or helping him go to sleep. In the first place, he's gotten too wiggly to want to sit quietly with me. The fact that he ripped the Control key off my laptop is a good sign that multitasking isn't working for us anymore. Tonight I tried sitting in the living room looking at books with him while he was winding down for bed. I think we both enjoyed the experience and I was able to really focus on him. I'm trying to improve my focus and spend more time slowing down and savoring the present. I think reducing my internet use will help with that goal as well.

So, this does not mean that I'll stop blogging here at all. I will probably keep contributing occasional posts to Northern Lights; I feel like I have a positive contribution to make there and do not feel like it is distracting to me right now. My readers won't notice a change in my behavior. Hopefully my children and my husband will.

Comments

Courtney said…
I think I could have written this post (except I don't have any kids so . . .) but a couple months ago, I realized that I didn't have to read every comment on every thread. I would totally obsess about every comment I made and I think it was really unhealthy. I've tried to lay off and I definitely think my world is a little more sane since then. Also, the other week in Relief Society, I realized that the point of the lesson was for me to try to learn-- not for me to constantly be thinking of what comments I could add. I was a little embarrassed as well.
Yeah, I don't understand what this whole internet thing you spend all your time on is--I would never get obsessed with things like that, nor would I let my anger at some blog (coughcoughangryfeministcoughcough) affect how I treat my family.
Kengo Biddles said…
I've been noticing a similar trend in me. I wish you luck in your efforts, and may you succeed!
Th. said…
.

Because I know you'll see it here, my reply to your comment goes something like this:

It's about an ideal--something we can give to our children (at least we hope)--even if we didn't get it for ourselves.
Anonymous said…
I'm the one who sits by the wall in Relief Society and listens to each idea and comment and is enriched by the insights of people like you (and never says a word :)) Which is a reason that I enjoy your blog. It gives me another view and give me things to think about. Thank you.
ambrosia ananas said…
"I also found myself getting really emotionally invested in some issues and spending entire days mad at someone for their wrong thinking. . . . I tend to get obsessed about things so it was hard to just leave it alone. "

Hey, me too. : ) Good job on realizing it and addressing the problem. Also, I would love it if I could hear your comments in RS every Sunday.
Anonymous said…
I will miss your recent comments on segullah - it was nice to get a fresh voice in on there.
Sarah said…
It's the double edged sword of blogging. I think a lot of us moms really crave the "companionship" that comes with blogging but at the same time, there is an unlimited amount of it online so it's hard to restrict it to a healthy level. I really think I've gotten more emotionally healthy since I started connecting with other blogger moms online, but at the same time too much of a good thing is bad for my babies. Good luck finding the balance!
Nemesis said…
Yeah, finding the balance is really hard. I feel like I'm reading more blogs than ever (thanks to Google Reader) but I'm not commenting as much. At the same time I'm trying to respond to people when they leave comments on mine.

And the bit about getting too emotionally invested in other people's blogs, yeah. Totally do that. So I support you in whatever you have to do!

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