I'm still here

I often think "it's been a while since I posted on my blog", and then I go look and realize that it's only been a day or two. I have an entire folder of bookmarked articles labeled "blog fodder" that I hope to someday rant about, but for some reason I never get around to doing it. Instead I dash off random entries when I feeling cranky or excited about something and feel like I never say what I really wanted to.

This entry is another one of those catching-up sort of things. February is almost over; it's not quite spring, but the last two weeks (almost) have been sunny and warmer. Trees and flowers are starting to bloom and the earth is waking up. It will still be cool here for quite a while, but the increased light and green are really helping my brain out.

I'm going to Davis next Thursday and Friday for a visit. I feel really weird--like my first day in the MTC or driving home from the hospital with S-Boogie in the backseat. I have a new label--"graduate student"--and it doesn't quite fit yet. I feel awkward and unsure about what I should do or say while I'm there. Anyone out there done this before? I sure haven't. I also feel somewhat unexcited about the trip. Getting away for a few days is great, but I don't really like being by myself. And there's the stress of trying to arrange babysitting, compounded by the fact that the next week we need even more babysitting because Mr. Fob has play rehearsals in the evening. Being a working mom is complicated.

Also, I feel some sort of guilt/awkwardness among my circle of friends. And I know it's just me, because I have so many good friends here who love me and are really supportive. But I hate being the odd one out and I'm the only mom I know who works and does stuff like traveling by herself for school for two days. I feel somewhat embarrassed by being different, not because it's a bad thing, but because it's different. And I always feel uncomfortable asking others for help with things like babysitting, but we need a lot of help with that.

Finally, I did go shoe shopping last weekend. I decided that part of my problem is that I hate most shoes. I spent several hours at the mall and was unimpressed by 99 percent of the shoes out there. They are either too flashy, too awkward looking, or too clunky. I'm way too picky. I did try on some Danskos that fit well, but I'm not sure I like the look of them. Last night I found these shoes on Endless and I think I'm going to order them. When I'm in Davis I'll be walking a lot and I want to be comfortable.

So that's where I'm at right now. Teaching, spending too much time on the internet and not enough time reading, fighting the urge to make brownies or cheesecake cupcakes, enjoying the sunshine. February has been a nice little month; hopefully we'll survive the chaos of March.