I'm still here

I often think "it's been a while since I posted on my blog", and then I go look and realize that it's only been a day or two. I have an entire folder of bookmarked articles labeled "blog fodder" that I hope to someday rant about, but for some reason I never get around to doing it. Instead I dash off random entries when I feeling cranky or excited about something and feel like I never say what I really wanted to.

This entry is another one of those catching-up sort of things. February is almost over; it's not quite spring, but the last two weeks (almost) have been sunny and warmer. Trees and flowers are starting to bloom and the earth is waking up. It will still be cool here for quite a while, but the increased light and green are really helping my brain out.

I'm going to Davis next Thursday and Friday for a visit. I feel really weird--like my first day in the MTC or driving home from the hospital with S-Boogie in the backseat. I have a new label--"graduate student"--and it doesn't quite fit yet. I feel awkward and unsure about what I should do or say while I'm there. Anyone out there done this before? I sure haven't. I also feel somewhat unexcited about the trip. Getting away for a few days is great, but I don't really like being by myself. And there's the stress of trying to arrange babysitting, compounded by the fact that the next week we need even more babysitting because Mr. Fob has play rehearsals in the evening. Being a working mom is complicated.

Also, I feel some sort of guilt/awkwardness among my circle of friends. And I know it's just me, because I have so many good friends here who love me and are really supportive. But I hate being the odd one out and I'm the only mom I know who works and does stuff like traveling by herself for school for two days. I feel somewhat embarrassed by being different, not because it's a bad thing, but because it's different. And I always feel uncomfortable asking others for help with things like babysitting, but we need a lot of help with that.

Finally, I did go shoe shopping last weekend. I decided that part of my problem is that I hate most shoes. I spent several hours at the mall and was unimpressed by 99 percent of the shoes out there. They are either too flashy, too awkward looking, or too clunky. I'm way too picky. I did try on some Danskos that fit well, but I'm not sure I like the look of them. Last night I found
these shoes on Endless and I think I'm going to order them. When I'm in Davis I'll be walking a lot and I want to be comfortable.

So that's where I'm at right now. Teaching, spending too much time on the internet and not enough time reading, fighting the urge to make brownies or cheesecake cupcakes, enjoying the sunshine. February has been a nice little month; hopefully we'll survive the chaos of March.

Comments

Desmama said…
If I lived closer, I'd want to babysit. I would babysit, because I'm happy and excited for you and the prospects that lie ahead. I, too, feel awkward traveling alone--this past weekend highlighted that for me--but I realized that I needed it and that my identity doesn't just include that of wife and mother. I'm a sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, book lover, and needer of quiet time to myself. It sounds so trite, I know, but give yourself permission to do something that serves you as well as those around you. An education would fit that bill, no?

I truly am so happy for you. I visited briefly with a friend this weekend whose husband will be starting an MBA program at Berkeley, and I found myself thinking that if, by chance, you ended up there, you two would be good friends.
Emma said…
Hey I can watch your kids! I'll even go to your house if that would be easier. Let me know what I can do to help. This is an amazing opportunity for you, and I know you wouldn't be pursuing it if you didn't feel right about it. I hope your trip goes well, and call me!
Em said…
I'm facing the same thing with going to the AHCT conference next week. People keep asking me what I'm going to do with BeeBoo. When I tell them that she's staying with her dad, they look at me like I'm bonkers.

But when it comes down to it, it's really okay to be different. My mom always used to tell me that with the way I love to read/learn, I'd never be able to be a "normal" mom. That made this "I'm a teacher/grad-student mom" thing easier, because I was sort of prepared for it.

You can't just turn off your brain. If you tried, I think you'd go crazy, and (I would at least) maybe end up bitter about missing a good chance. Have fun, enjoy the break and being catered to (which I'm sure they will be doing), and try to see if the city is someplace you can LIVE, besides just work. That's what tipped the scales with us and Bloomington. :-)
jana said…
I've owned Softwalk shoes before and just loved them--so comfy! Good choice :)
Roni said…
Please don't feel awkward...you are doing an amazing thing. I think that it is very exciting. And I have been meaning to tell you that we can definitely help you out more than just on Thurs. morning. Let us know.
Kailey said…
I am at Scouts on Wednesday evenings, but would be happy to help out if I can any other night during your crazy week!! I have been telling you and telling you to call me if you need anything girl... maybe I'll just have to make some papery magnetic sign for you to put on your fridge as a reminder. But I guess I know how hard it is to ask for help. I am just as bed at it, so I'll try not to be too hard on you. Actually, I'll call you... :-)
Terina said…
buying shoes online is the way to go. zappos has most everything, but there are lots of great shoe websites out there. shoes.com, solestruck.com, and if you have giant feet, i also have a few websites for that. (i have giant feet...sigh...)

you should go to the jelly belly factory. it is near davis. and the belly flops are the best deal...if you like jelly bellys that is..

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