Where I am

The other day Segullah posted an interview with artist Lee Bennion about her life and work. I enjoyed the whole thing, but the last two paragraphs really resonated with me:

"Do prod your self out of idleness. If you have that urge to write, dance, paint or make music and it just isn’t fitting in, try to figure out how you can. On the other hand, don’t beat yourself up if the time is just not right for these things and you don’t feel a burning urge to do them. Don’t let others dictate what your time frame should be. If you are immersed in raising children, enjoy it and learn all you can from it. You will know when it is time to start weaving back into your art. Some are just able to do the two together all along. We are all different. Listen to your soul and what brings you peace and joy.
I know that when my first two girls were young, I really didn’t think about painting or drawing much for about five or six years. But as they got a little older, I was feeling the need and used school as a way to get going again. Motherhood was totally satisfying for me as a woman, and as an artist. All good things will work for your benefit and find expression in your life somehow. I like that line “All truth can be circumscribed into one great whole.” I look at art and life this way. Art is what comes out of that receptacle of truth and light."

I'm not an artist by any means, but I understand the problem of trying to find inspiration while raising children. This interview helped me crystallize what I've been feeling for a while about graduate school--I'm just not at a point in my life where I'm willing to give myself to it fully. I've been trying, but I just can't get into it and find my inspiration for what I'm doing. Graduate school is very hard and takes a lot of energy and purpose to accomplish. I don't have that burning desire to do it at this point in my life, and I think that if I keep trying to do it I'll just be miserable. Perhaps at some point in the future it will fit in with me better; at this point I've been trying to make room for school and I just keep having a hard time. I think that's primarily because it just doesn't feel important enough to be a priority for me. Some days I really enjoy my classes and like what we're talking about, but the whole experience of being in academia and moving towards a career there just isn't really working for me.

So that's where I am as far as the school thing goes (since a lot of people have asked me lately). As far as the practical implications of what that means for us, we really don't know yet. Mr. Fob has been looking around for job possibilities so we can figure out what our options are. We are in a good place here and so are not in a hurry to leave if we don't have to. We both love living here and would not be unhappy if Mr. Fob could find a job here. Unfortunately this is an expensive town and the job opportunities aren't that great. We are somewhat limiting the job search because we don't want to be too far away from family. Ideally we'd like to find a situation where we can settle down for a while and raise our children; we're ready to grow some roots. I'd love for that to be in Utah close to family, but it doesn't look like the economy is going to help us out with that (unfortunately library jobs in Utah are scarce and underfunded). We've found a few good leads in California and so we'll see what happens during the next few months. More on that later.


Good luck with it! Good for you for being honest with yourself about it.
Desmama said…
Good observations. And good luck with your decisions in the upcoming weeks/months.
Emma said…
Wow, good luck. I pray that everything will work out.
amyjane said…
I think I need that quote on my fridge. I constantly feel like I *should* be doing more to personally acheive, but I don't really want to right now. I don't really have the mental energy, it's just this unseen idea that I SHOULD do more than just the mommying.
Good luck with your decisions. Life is just a two steps forward, one step back process a lot of the time, isn't it.

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