I'm an introvert, right?
Or, maybe not. For most of my life I have thought of myself as somewhat shy and introverted. I feel uncomfortable in large group situations and I'm generally not very assertive. I don't like to call people on the phone and I rarely go up to people I don't know and introduce myself or start up conversations. I also really hate being in charge of a group; telling other people what to do gives me anxiety like nothing else--another reason why I'm not sure I want to be a teacher. One of my professors shared with me the letter of recommendation she had written: she stated that I had a tendency to be soft-spoken. I've heard that description of myself numerous times and I would agree that I generally tend to have a "quiet voice".
On the other hand, I think most people who know me in real life would hesitate to call me an introvert. Once I'm comfortable with people, I tend to take over and talk their ears off. When I come home late from visiting teaching or presidency meetings, it's because I stayed late talking to people. As evidenced by this blog, I have no problem sharing my opinions or stuff about my life. Sometimes I fear that I come across as too pushy and opinionated. The biggest struggle I have lately is figuring out how to keep my mouth shut and listen more.
So maybe I really am extroverted in the sense that I like to process information verbally. I like to talk. I'm uncomfortable with silences in conversation and feel a need to fill them in. I'm confident in my opinions. At the same time, I seem to have an overdeveloped sense of social protocol and I don't like to draw attention to myself. Maybe I'm just an extrovert who's in denial.
On the other hand, I think most people who know me in real life would hesitate to call me an introvert. Once I'm comfortable with people, I tend to take over and talk their ears off. When I come home late from visiting teaching or presidency meetings, it's because I stayed late talking to people. As evidenced by this blog, I have no problem sharing my opinions or stuff about my life. Sometimes I fear that I come across as too pushy and opinionated. The biggest struggle I have lately is figuring out how to keep my mouth shut and listen more.
So maybe I really am extroverted in the sense that I like to process information verbally. I like to talk. I'm uncomfortable with silences in conversation and feel a need to fill them in. I'm confident in my opinions. At the same time, I seem to have an overdeveloped sense of social protocol and I don't like to draw attention to myself. Maybe I'm just an extrovert who's in denial.
Comments
The mission made all of this more apparent. I had European companions (2 Germans, a Hungarian, and Austrian & a Russian) for all but 10 weeks, so their sense of what was proper in public tainted me a bit. I was told several times, however, that my reserved nature until I knew people better made me come across as more European than American. Interesting, I thought, but I was very proud of the fact that I fit in better over there than most.
The problem is that too often we see introversion as the negative side of extroversion. (I think I just made up those words?) In reality, they are different personality types, both having positive and negative connotations. Most people are surprised to find that I'm basically an introvert. (In the Meyer's Briggs test, it is nearly the only category in which I score definitively in one direciton.) I tend to be open and forthcoming, I'm very comfortable being both in charge or assertive . . . but if I need to re-charge, I should get as far away from others as possible. This has been the hardest thing for me about motherhood.
I think a lot of it comes from situations where I feel out of control or judged in some way. I've also always been told that the older you get the less you care about what other people think, especially after you have children. So maybe I'm showing my age and maybe I need more children. Also, as a side note, I'm already trying to prepare myself for being embarrassed by Sara in public, I know it will happen :) Something else I've heard is that as women age their hormones shift and the same with men, so that men become more docile and women more authoritarian. Well, I guess it will be interesting to see what happens. I would never have guessed that you were introverted had you not said so :)
Kristee--I've also had people describe me as more European, probably because I tend to be fairly formal with social rules and stuff.
Courtney & Yodame--In the past I dealt with social anxiety by getting silent, but I've realized now that I've switched to nervous talking. I especially do this when I feel intimidated by people or I don't know them well. When I'm uncomfortable I tend to talk even more and say weirder things. Then I go home and feel really embarrassed.
I also think that having more life experience and being a mom has changed me as well. For one thing, I now have to be in charge of someone. I've learned to be confident because if I'm not my kids walk all over me. Plus after a few years I'm slowly realizing that my daughter will be her own person and say her own things and I don't have to be embarrassed about them. Today at church she raised her hand and told the class "Daddys have sperm!". I probably would have died and thought everone was laughing at me in the past, but I'm learning just to go with it now. It's funny how during the last year for some reason I've been able to look back and see ways that I've changed a lot since high school and my first few years of college.