It'll Eat You Up Inside

A few years ago, Master Fob and I attended the annual Evergreen conference together. While he went to workshops specifically geared towards his situation, I attended a few that were for spouses (in reality, wives--I didn't see any husbands there). I actually felt out of place with many of the women there, because for most of them learning about their husband's homosexuality had been a traumatic experience. One workshop focused on healing ourselves so we can be stronger to support our spouses. The facilitator pointed out that any trauma requires a period of grief so we can deal with the change in our life and move forward. At the time, I tuned out that message, because I didn't have to mourn my old idea of our relationship and I didn't think I needed to deal with any sort of trauma.

I haven't been feeling very happy lately, either with myself or with life in general. Some of that is, I'm sure, biochemical, since I just had a baby a few months ago and have had trouble with depression in the past. But I realized the other day that what I feel most of the time is angry. I feel angry a lot lately, and not just because I have a baby who won't sleep and a hyperactive three-year-old. I think I'm stuck somewhere in the anger/denial stage of the grief process and I don't know how to move past that. I've never been good at dealing with anger. When other people get angry, I want to run away and hide. If I ever feel angry, I go to great lengths to avoid expressing it to other people. I think it's a bad combination of being a perfectionist and wanting people to like me. But the truth is, I'm mad, I'm frustrated, and I'm hurt--and I've felt this way for over a year now.

One of the reasons why I married Master Fob was because he had a strong testimony and was a genuinely good person (he still is). I first knew him as a missionary, and he was a good one who served with real love for other people. I loved attending the temple together when we were dating, and I thought we shared similar views on gospel subjects. And then he changed his mind. Part of me wants to be able to be unselfish and generous and let him have the freedom to explore other options, to be his own person, to live according to what he now thinks is right. I'm trying hard to do that, since that's really my only option. I don't want him to do stuff he doesn't feel good about just to make me happy; I want him to have a testimony of the gospel and live according to it, and not just go to church for other reasons. But, I'm finding that I just can't let go that easily. I know he didn't do this to me purposely or anything, but I'm still upset and hurt. I just don't know how to get past this stage to the stage of acceptance and forgiveness. But I'm going to try, because I'm tired of feeling angry all the time.