Small Steps

After dinner tonight we had some time to kill, and it was actually not raining outside (today was a beautiful fall day) so I gave in to S-Boogie's pleas to go outside to the playground. I'm not very good at being socially forward, but I'm starting to make some friends here with the other parents and I'm really enjoying being back in an environment where there are so many people in the same situation. Tonight another family that I know from my ward was outside and so I started talking with them a bit. I actually know C (not sure if she wants her real name on the web) from being in the same singles ward the summer before I got married, and we've conversed quite a few times since I moved here. Tonight we chatted about how hard it is to live on student income (AKA nada) and how hard it can be living with two little kids, especially when your husband is gone so often for school and work. For some reason it really made me feel better to have someone else say "yeah, your life is hard right now". My mom said the same thing to me earlier this week and just having that validation helped a lot. I keep feeling guilt for struggling to get used to parenting two children; it's hard to avoid feeling like I should be doing a better job or that I'm a bad mommy because they're usually both unhappy. I know I still need to get into some therapy and possibly get some medication, but I'm trying to do some of the other things that can help. Like not spending all afternoon feeling guilty about not washing the dishes and instead simply washing some of them when both kids or sleeping. Or choosing not to wash dishes and taking a few minutes to read a book and deciding not to feel bad about that. And I've discovered this week that asking other people for help and support generally gets me more help and support than rejection.

C also told me that she's been looking for someone to go walking with in the mornings. I'm really thinking about doing it, because exercise could do me good and it would be nice to spend some time with a friend. Plus if I'm comitted to going with someone, it will be easier to get up and go. I'm just hesitant because I still don't know if Little Dude will wake up during the night or what time he will wake up in the morning (without getting too graphic, I have to feed the baby before I do anything else in the morning). I also don't want to make it harder for Master Fob to get ready for school or work by being gone, but I think we could work it out. More than anything, I've been feeling too fragile for commitments lately. My first response to her question was an automatic rejection. But I think I could do this and I think it would be good. To quote a movie that I really hate, "Baby steps, baby steps".