OK, OK, I'm trying to humble myself as fast as I can
For the second time during the last week, I had a professor pull me aside today to tell me that, even though they have apparently failed me on one question of my giant exam from a few weeks ago, the professors in the department still think I'm pretty cool and a good student. This really should make me feel better, but it doesn't. Especially since I still haven't received any official word about my results, just whisperings from professors. All the other students that took the exam at the same time have jubilantly reported passing with flying colors.
By the way, the exam was a 4 hour essay fest based on a reading list I was supposed to have mastered as a graduate student of Spanish literature. That list had about 30-40 works on a "core list" as well as an additional 6 time periods from which I was to read and know well at least 5 works. I know it's not unusual to have a reading list or exams for a graduate program. I also know that I've had the last year and a half to work on reading items and getting to know them. I just haven't done very well with that because I'm a flake. I'm also scared to death about having to redo one of the questions, because if I can't get the redo right, then I get kicked out of the program.
The thing that scares me the most, though, is that most days I feel like I wouldn't care if they kicked me out of the program. I keep feeling like I want to quit and just not even try anymore. The last 3 semesters have been so, so hard, and I'm tired of dragging myself through it all. Plus I still have to try and write an entire thesis between now and the middle of June. I'm afraid it's just not going to happen. My life is too darn full, and there's not much else I can cut out. S-Boogie still needs to be fed, clothed, and entertained. The dishes have to be washed, the food has to be cooked, and the laundry has to be cleaned. And I need to sleep. And do all kinds of other things. Most days I don't feel like I have any extra energy to be the kind of self-motivated intellectual that graduate students are supposed to be. I love taking classes, and if I could just sit in on classes for the rest of my life, I would be so happy.
The only thing that's really keeping me from quitting is the fact that I'm tired of being a quitter. When things get tough, the tough are supposed to keep on going going. Well, I'm not a member of the tough club--I'm a member of the fat and lazy club. I took cello lessons for less than a year, and quit. I quit the swim team after 2 weeks. I quit marching band after 2 semesters. I changed my major several times after running in to hard classes. I really do want to stick with this, but I don't know if I can do it. I really don't think I ever want to even try for a PhD--this has been an emotionally scarring enough experience for me.
By the way, the exam was a 4 hour essay fest based on a reading list I was supposed to have mastered as a graduate student of Spanish literature. That list had about 30-40 works on a "core list" as well as an additional 6 time periods from which I was to read and know well at least 5 works. I know it's not unusual to have a reading list or exams for a graduate program. I also know that I've had the last year and a half to work on reading items and getting to know them. I just haven't done very well with that because I'm a flake. I'm also scared to death about having to redo one of the questions, because if I can't get the redo right, then I get kicked out of the program.
The thing that scares me the most, though, is that most days I feel like I wouldn't care if they kicked me out of the program. I keep feeling like I want to quit and just not even try anymore. The last 3 semesters have been so, so hard, and I'm tired of dragging myself through it all. Plus I still have to try and write an entire thesis between now and the middle of June. I'm afraid it's just not going to happen. My life is too darn full, and there's not much else I can cut out. S-Boogie still needs to be fed, clothed, and entertained. The dishes have to be washed, the food has to be cooked, and the laundry has to be cleaned. And I need to sleep. And do all kinds of other things. Most days I don't feel like I have any extra energy to be the kind of self-motivated intellectual that graduate students are supposed to be. I love taking classes, and if I could just sit in on classes for the rest of my life, I would be so happy.
The only thing that's really keeping me from quitting is the fact that I'm tired of being a quitter. When things get tough, the tough are supposed to keep on going going. Well, I'm not a member of the tough club--I'm a member of the fat and lazy club. I took cello lessons for less than a year, and quit. I quit the swim team after 2 weeks. I quit marching band after 2 semesters. I changed my major several times after running in to hard classes. I really do want to stick with this, but I don't know if I can do it. I really don't think I ever want to even try for a PhD--this has been an emotionally scarring enough experience for me.
Comments
There are so few things I haven't quit on that I fear quitting anymore. Perhaps there is some quitting quote I'm about to reach.