Has anyone seen my motivation?

It seems to have slipped out the back door when I wasn't looking. This morning I turned off my alarm instead of going out walking. Also, I've now managed to blow two "no treat days" in a row this week. Yesterday someone offered me a brownie and I scarfed it down without thinking twice. About an hour later I realized that I was supposed to be saying "no" to treats all day. Then tonight S-Boogie and I had dinner from Jack in the Box. I'm not sure if it counts or not, though, because it wasn't a pleasant experience. I only do fast food once every few months, and each time I remember why I hate it so much. Tonight I was supposed to meet a lady after she got off work in order to buy a baby bunting she was selling on craigslist. It's a pretty nice thick bunting from REI, so it should keep Little Dude warm for the rest of the winter. After picking up the bunting, I realized that we were only a few blocks away from Jack in the Box and that we didn't have any leftovers waiting at home for us. So I decided to go through the drive through to get us dinner. My first mistake was forgetting that going around the block to get to the restaurant would take an insanely long time due to the wacky one way streets and the evening traffic. By the time we reached the drive through Little Dude was shrieking inconsolably. Then I had to order from the menu. One of the reasons why I hate fast food is that I'm terrible at making quick decisions under pressure. I haven't eaten at Jack in the Box since sometime in the mid-1990s, so I have no idea what's on their menu. Plus I only had eight dollars on me, and I quickly realized that it wasn't going to go very far. I got S-Boogie a kids meal and ordered myself a shake. The screen was adding up the total for me, and I realized that I had less than two dollars to get myself something to eat. Cars were lining up behind me while I scanned the dollar menu. I decided on the two tacos for a dollar deal, since I know several people who are big fans of Jack in the Box tacos. Then I got to wait an insanely long time at the window while Little Dude wailed and S-Boogie shouted "Drive the car, mom" over and over again. And then on the way home we got kind of lost because I forgot about the stupid intersection where you aren't supposed to turn left for some unknown reason. By the time we got home Little Dude had fallen asleep, but was still gasping and hiccuping with sorrow. I hope no one I know was in our parking lot and heard me shriek "dammit" when I realized that S-Boogie had taken off her shoes and socks and had locked her door from the inside. I also hope that S-Boogie doesn't pick up that particular word from her frazzled mommy. So we eventually got inside, where I discovered that S-Boogie's kid meal didn't come with any sort of toy. Luckily she didn't care, since the novelty of curly fries was amusement enough for her. Then I opened up my tacos. I think they surpass the grossness that was the Thai food we tried from the Seattle Center food court on Monday. Picture a tough and greasy corn tortilla sealed around pasty meat (it felt like refried beans but tasted vaguely like beef), a few limp strands of warm lettuce, and violently spicy hot sauce. Are all Jack in the Box tacos this bad, or did I hit them on an off night? I choked both tacos down with the help of my Oreo shake (at least that was tasty) and then finished off S-Boogie's untouched chicken nuggets. Add that to my fish stick lunch and my grease quotient for the day is more than filled.

The truth is, I think I've been off kilter all week because we have an appointment to see a counselor on Friday. I'm dying from the stress already, and each day closer to Friday it gets worse. Part of it is the stress of arranging for someone to watch our kids. Thankfully we can shift S-Boogie's school schedule around, and I found a good friend to watch Little Dude. I'm worried about him, because lately he's had major stranger issues and will freak out when anyone besides me or Master Fob holds him. I worry that he's going to sob uncontrollably the entire time we're gone, and that makes it even harder to resist picking up the phone and chickening out on my appointment. I don't think Master Fob is going to come every time, but the counselor wants us to both come in for the first appointment. I'm feeling really freaked out because I majorly stress about discussing my problems and feelings with anyone. But this is why I'm going in--because for too long all my frustrations and stresses have been stuffed inside and they're leaking out way too often these days. I just hope I can keep myself together until Friday. It's a good thing I don't have TV right now, because all I want to do is curl up on the couch with a big bowl of Golden Grahams and vegetate. Since that's the best way to get my motivation back, after all.