In the spotlight

Tonight Master Fob and I went to the Spanish Department's annual end of the year dinner. It was mostly a chance to hang out with my friends and eat free burritos from Bajio (yum). I often take S-Boogie to things like this by myself, so it was nice to go somewhere as a family for a change. S-Boogie behaved reasonably well, although we had a few technical difficulties when the side effects from her antibiotic decided to kick in and she managed to blow out two diapers in less than an hour. Luckily her pants weren't too bad so she could wear them home and she was distracted enough by carrot cake that she didn't even notice the leakage.

The thing I realized tonight is that I really like attention and getting awards, and I feel bad when I don't get them. I like the spotlight, and I have always tried to repress this part of me. I don't know why, but I crave attention and then feel horribly guilty when I seek it. The thing is, they only give out a few awards and there was no way I was going to get any of them. I'm not a candidate for "outstanding graduate student" because I don't do any of the extra things: I don't hang out with professors, I don't edit the student journal, I don't even teach or TA, and that's OK because I don't have time for it. My life has other priorities, and my master's program is not the sum total of my existence. Looking around the room, I could think of at least 10 other people who were even more deserving than I and who didn't get the award either. And it's fine. But for some reason when I go to events like this, I always feel kind of bad that no one is calling my name and telling me what a wonderful person I am. My patriarchal blessing actually even warns me that I should continue to do good even if I don't get credit or support for it. So I guess I will keep doing what I'm doing, and know that I think I'm pretty cool. Maybe tomorrow I will buy myself a candy bar and give myself the "outstanding graduate student who has survived nearly four semesters without a nervous breakdown" award.

Comments

I think you're pretty cool.
Katria said…
Don't actually know you, but I hearby award you with an outstanding bloger award.
Katria said…
Blogger. Silly keys that stick.

P.S. Anyone who can live four years at this place without a nervous breakdown also deserves some sort of award.
svoid said…
I suffer from a similar affliction. I'm accustomed to getting recognition for my efforts at work. But over the last year my priorities have shifted a little bit and I've put more emphasis on my personal life instead of work. I'm not the overachieving employee that I used to be. And yet, everytime our group gets together to recognize someone, I still expect to hear my name get called and am disappointed when it's not. I have to keep reminding myself that my shift in priorities was a conscious choice that I knew would have repercussions but in the end should be better for me.
emily said…
Let's face it, we can't all be the star of the DW show. I think there is a lot of unrecognized talent in our department, and, well, the world, really. If I were in charge, I would give you an award for making really intelligent comments in class and making me feel terribly inadequate. It probably wouldn't fit on the plaque, though.

I wholeheartedly support auto-congratulation. For instance, I am feeling pretty special now that I have met the entire Fob family. I think I'll celebrate by, um, frantically trying to come up with a translation project to present today...

What kind of candy bar?
skyeJ said…
Sophie and I are ONE in poopy-pantness. Yesterday, on 04/05/06 (ooo... the numbers, the numbers... shout out to Aunt Carolynn!!)(and any babies born!!)(too bad Aunt Carolynn wasn't having a baby on that day...)(aak!!! shut up!!! too many parentheses!!)
right.
Sophie and I are ONE in poopy-pantness... Yesterday, I had a lovely visit from my Little Friend, giardia. I did not have any carrot cake to distract me, however. Just liver kebabs and Moroccan oranges. It worked.
COOLGUY said…
... you know that you will always be the #1 graduate student as far as I'm concerned - I'm so proud of you and all that you do. And your priorities are absolutely correct. You go girl....

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