Tonight Master Fob and I went to the Spanish Department's annual end of the year dinner. It was mostly a chance to hang out with my friends and eat free burritos from Bajio (yum). I often take S-Boogie to things like this by myself, so it was nice to go somewhere as a family for a change. S-Boogie behaved reasonably well, although we had a few technical difficulties when the side effects from her antibiotic decided to kick in and she managed to blow out two diapers in less than an hour. Luckily her pants weren't too bad so she could wear them home and she was distracted enough by carrot cake that she didn't even notice the leakage.
The thing I realized tonight is that I really like attention and getting awards, and I feel bad when I don't get them. I like the spotlight, and I have always tried to repress this part of me. I don't know why, but I crave attention and then feel horribly guilty when I seek it. The thing is, they only give out a few awards and there was no way I was going to get any of them. I'm not a candidate for "outstanding graduate student" because I don't do any of the extra things: I don't hang out with professors, I don't edit the student journal, I don't even teach or TA, and that's OK because I don't have time for it. My life has other priorities, and my master's program is not the sum total of my existence. Looking around the room, I could think of at least 10 other people who were even more deserving than I and who didn't get the award either. And it's fine. But for some reason when I go to events like this, I always feel kind of bad that no one is calling my name and telling me what a wonderful person I am. My patriarchal blessing actually even warns me that I should continue to do good even if I don't get credit or support for it. So I guess I will keep doing what I'm doing, and know that I think I'm pretty cool. Maybe tomorrow I will buy myself a candy bar and give myself the "outstanding graduate student who has survived nearly four semesters without a nervous breakdown" award.