The shoulds
I woke up this morning feeling shaky, both physically and mentally. It's probably related to the vagaries of my monthly cycle, but it's still hard to deal with. Also, editorgirl's post today really hit a sore spot for me. I'm getting really tired of my thesis ruling my life and making me feel totally worthless and incompetent. I know that isn't rational, but I'm not feeling very rational today. I feel that same fear, that I really can't write a thesis and that this proves that I never should have attended grad school in the first place. I'm tired of feeling the weight of all the wrong choices I've made and all the things I should have done. I should have been planning on grad school before finishing my undergrad and gotten more of the prerequisites out of the way. I should have jumped on my thesis idea right away, done the research, and written my prospectus before the end of my first year. I shouldn't have panicked and dropped my classes that one summer term. I shouldn't have had a baby before I was done. I shouldn't have moved to another state before I was done. I shouldn't have started grad school before my husband was finished with school. I should have read and studied in-depth all the books on my reading list instead of assuming I could fake it. I should have gotten to know more of the professors, especially those with real clout in the department. I should have chosen a different thesis topic. I should have participated more in extra-curricular activities. I shouldn't have gone to grad school if I couldn't finish in two years. I shouldn't have gone to grad school if I wasn't willing to give the department my heart and soul. And so on... I know that some of these things aren't neccessarily true or they don't matter, but I can't make myself feel that they don't matter. I just wish someone would say "yes it's hard and yes you made some mistakes, but you're still a good person". Or, "When I was in grad school I felt lost and incompetent too" or even "Hey, I remember back when I still had trouble remembering all the terms for Spanish poetry". All I ever seem to get is questions about why I'm not doing a better job or why I just can't do things according to the schedule or the proper paradigm. This probably sounds whiny, but I just feel like whining today. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to stop whining and get my brain in gear.
Comments
I think I've finally made some progress in getting past the paralysis and getting to work. I had to make up a schedule for every day of the week and fill in times to study each day for each section of my exam. I managed to get six hours of work in today, but I need to do that every day for the next seven weeks. Can I do it? I really hope so. Otherwise, all of my nightmares will come true and I'll be an MA working at Target.
Anyway, sorry to go all whiny on your blog. I just wanted to say that I think I understand what you're going through. I don't know how to get over feeling inadequate, but you are a good person. Actually, a very good person. I can't imagine trying to get through grad school with a husband and two children. I admire you for your strength and courage. Seriously.
One thing Lunkwill always reminds me is that I am not the things I do. I am me.
Similarly, you are Foxy J, who happens to go to school--you are not just a grad student. Being a grad student (whether you're the best or the worst) is just something you do. You'll always be FoxyJ no matter how your schooling turns out.
Anyone that can even GO to grad school with a toddler and a husband, much less do their second year while pregnant, and on top of that move to another state with a new baby CAN DO ANYTHING!
Stop doubting yourself, and count it off as a bad day (which it sounds like you pretty much had the smarts to do already).
I know I never did this myself b/c I always said 'we can't afford it!' But looking back, I can see the wisdom in the advice - push the budget and hire a babysitter for a period of time and even buy some already prepared foods to give yourself some extra time to work on your thesis! I understand how hard it is when you know you need to do something but your hands are tied w/other tasks! It just might be worth splurging a little if it would solve the problem so you can move on.
And - oh - yes! Definitely! You ARE a good person! And JB's advice about who you ARE is excellent.
The tyranny of the shoulds is attacking - and that's okay. It's good to realize where your weaknesses are and to recognize them. But ultimately you have the power to make the expectations less tyrannical. One of my favorite mottos is "I am enough and there is more" - not that I subscribe to this theory yet myself, but I'm working on it. The mindset takes you out of a deficit view of yourself and empowers you.
I read your posts regularly and am amazed at how you handle everything life's thrown at you thus far. You are amazingly strong and faithful. You can do it! Just a little bit further!
I'm rooting for you, even in the midst of my own essaying.
Mr. Mormon took several years to finish his masters. And guess what? He's been working on his Ph.D. (he's ABD on that) for 5 years. He never was disgruntled - he just plodded along.
He just took his 1 or 2 classes a semester and has continued to be a full time employee, member of the Bishopric, and (world's most wonderful) father. Before you know it - even at just one or 2 classes at a time, you're done! He's only 35 and will have a Ph. D very soon. That might seem a long way off now, but really, when you get to 35, the time has passed lickety split. Also, we didn't go bankrupt paying for school. WOOHOO!
Mr. Mormon often says, "Sure - I only took one or 2 classes a semester - but what else would I have been doing with that time? Watching television? So I went to school instead of watching television - and my Ph.D will count just as much as the guy who finished it in 3 years."
And the pay is the same for a guy who finished their masters in 5 years - or in 2. :)
CHIN UP! These time frames are all negotiable. Talk to profs and counselors and get them changed - or - take time off and start over again later - or buck it up. No matter what - the MA will count just the same.
Like SkyeJ, I too have had at least one counselor ask me the same questions about this one little nasty word. And I agree that it makes complete sense to ignore any guilt that arises from the nagging of "shoulds".
Yet, although I know this intellectually, it rarely helps me react to a "should" with rational thought. Like you described, I end up on a slippery slope passing by all of the other "shoulds", and straight down to self-defeating beliefs that I am a "worthless and imcompetent" bad-choice-maker.
I believe this to be a carry-over from my years of growing up, where I feel that I was always either told how I "should" behave or "should" make better choices to be a good person. And even though my growing-up years (I "should" be grown up by now) were quite a while ago; it is difficult to not fall into that thinking trap.
So...I say, look at all of the evidence in black and white, and know that you are NOT "worthless and incompetent". There are many out there--both virtual and real--who know you to be otherwise. As well as may who have shared the same frustrating feelings--you are not alone.
At least now, because of your post and others' comments, I know that I am not alone when these self-defeating feelings attack; and I can stand up taller to face them.
Thanks for sharing your human-ness.